Jim... I too can feel the desperation or plea in your post. You've been offered some helpful advice here so I'm going to try and not repeat what the others have said.

I have a feeling that you've reached a crucial point in your own self development and rather than try and negate it I think you should in fact be celebrating... yes really. You've spent the last 16 mths going within and now all that wonderful stuff that you've suppressed over the years is bubbling to the surface so you can finally look at it and release it.

Yes, it may feel unpleasant and painful and your old egoic way of thinking just doesn't want to look at it because, quite frankly when you do, your ego now realizes that it will no longer hold the reins of control... your higher self will and that is where your true freedom resides.

I have a sneaking suspicion that, over the years, who you were was defined by your status symbols....the job, the house, the car etc. and with the thought of losing those looming on the horizon your ego is now in panic mode or overwhelm. This really is a good thing because it means something way more substantial is emerging and that is your authentic self.

I think when we begin a spiritual journey our soul will always guide us in exactly the right direction we need for optimal growth. Your soul is showing you right now what you need to look at in order to grow.However, you have to be willing to let go of any attachment to those staus symbols because they really do not define who you are. There is nothing wrong with having those material things per se, but what feels wrong is the atttachment to them. Ironically enough, I think when you manage to let go of the attachment to them they'll probably end up coming into your reality in a plentiful amount.

As some of the others have pointed out you really shouldn't make time the enemy. I can feel your panic at what you think is looming around the corner. However right Now you are helping to create that and by greeting the present moment with panic, you're only creating a future that will be filled with that... I know you've probably read enough spiritual literature to realize that.

Do what streetsanto suggested and find anything in the moment that you can appreciate or be thankful for... I can't stress enough how significant such a small thing can be. And to add to this I would even suggest looking for someone you can help...either through doing something or through teaching. It really will make you forget your own problems and will leave you feeling good in a way that can't be matched by anything else.You can even be thankful that you found IQ... you're obviously supposed to be here.

As jai suggested...communicate with your wife. If she truly loves you it really won't matter if you live in a 30 room mansion or a 2 room shack. But, what will destroy the relationship is your unwillingness to communicate and let her know what you feel. The fact that she is still with you and part of this means that she too has contributed in some way to this creation albeit that she sat back and allowed it to happen.Who knows, she may even see something that you're not able to see at the moment in your state of overwhelm.

I don't know if you've talked with anyone regarding your Mom's illness and death...maybe you haven't gone fully through the grieving process and talking to a counsellor may help you

Please just remember Jim that you are never lost... you're here asking for help and that is a major step in the right direction.I can't promise that all your problems will be solved in a few weeks or a few months but I do know that if you continue on this path that you will begin to come alive and begin to find those answers you'er looking for. Listening to this may help you feel a little less lost.... http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VosFiY1SifA

You're going to be fine... stop treading and just float :)

You have plenty of time Jim. Time is an illusion. It makes the virtual game here on earth seem so freakishly real at times. I know and I too have felt it's crushing but illusory grip.

What I want to draw your attention to is your concern on time... and doing something because of lack of time. Shake that feeling, by focusing on something that makes you feel good and smile. I feel Desperation in your letter. Walls closing in on you. You feel guilty because you "are taking down your wife" in a crash and burn scenario...even though you feel compelled to man the ship until it goes under.

When depression or any negative set of emotions set in...it is like quicksand. The harder you fight, the deeper you sink.

Your entire letter you make it quite clear of things going wrong. But....what is going right? Focus on the things going right in your life...and you will attract more. Notice them. Look for them. It's really all in your control. This may seem cold and too direct. This may seem too easy and simple for you to believe that it would work ... but what have you got to lose ? I can tell you how to change your life around right now. Everyday for the next 30 days: spend 5-10 minutes in the morning.... noticing the good things that support you. Play with it...make it light, not a chore. Enjoy the feel of fresh air and the fact that your lungs are programmed to breathe..without your control. Start there if you need. Make a list and add one thing a day to this list. Start each day reviewing the list...should bring a smile to your lips. Your vibration will be tuned up... ready to hook into law of attraction and bring you more. Try and do this before you greet anybody in the morning. If necessary keep a book by your bed...or text a memo on your cellphone.

Dear Jim,

More people than you can guess have been in your shoes- including me. I have been down and out, up and down, for years...I even got to the point that I was attempting suicide on a regular basis. I just saw no way out. That is the trouble, I think. We see no way out! It always seems like the answers to our troubles just will not come; we cannot seem to catch even a wisp of a break; we reach bottom, only to find out that it was false, and there was another bottom below it! Grrr....

I can only tell you what pulled me through my life time and again.

1.I found it soothing to find an open church (or to get permission to sit in one all day), and to write letters to God. I saved those letters; moreover, I expected answers! I thought that being in the house of my Lord somehow made it seem more official. More often than not, in those churches, I found my pen moving slower and slower, my thoughts moving less chaotically, and felt myself just being in the Presence of God.

2. I made sure I sought a professional counselor. This was because counselors have networks of help- lists of places and people that are ready and waiting to offer a hand to you. Counseling is not just for the "crazy". It is nice to have at least one person on your side.

3. You already have done this third step- you are talking about it! That it vital! But perhaps you might want to sit down with your life's companion, and just ask for her support and understanding. Please do not underestimate her! You may find you have a gem, a rock, at your side! Be honest and point no fingers at anyone. Include her. Love her. I assure you, it feels terrible when you know your husband is troubled and will NOT talk to you!

4. PRAY!!! Prayer is a form of energy. It stirs up Heaven itself. Remember, God is a Gentleman, and will not bother you unless you ask for help. Please know that Wade and I will be praying for you. I also ask anyone who reads this to pray for Jim. The more, the merrier!

Jim, I wish you all the best! Please know that this IQ Community is a Great One, full of life's true wisdom and strength. They have pulled me through life-threatening illness and more. Try Stingray's suggestions.

Know you ARE loved.

Blessings, with Great Love, Jai

I also say interesting timing.

I almost want to congratulate you on your breakthrough Jim.

You are on the verge of some really great things. In order for you to grow you need to face some difficult challenges. Without these, we cannot understand ourselves.

This site might also help Positive Disintegration

You wil see many of us here guide you in our own caring ways.

I know you are going to be fine, because you are fine right NOW!

my past is blighted with so many issues that I just need a “Do Over”

To quote Abraham-Hicks

The content of your vibration equals how you feel right now. And whether you're thinking about the past, the present, or the future, how you feel right now -- as you think about the past, the present, or the future -- is your life. And it's a precious, fabulous, creative life that you are not wanting to squander in a place of resistance. Your life is right now

--- Abraham

Excerpted from the workshop in San Francisco, CA on Saturday, March 11th, 2000 #244

Your past is just that.Past. Gone by .No longer here.That train left the station.
Want to change your past? You can do that. How? Learn the lesson from the past NOW.When you learned to ride a bike as a kid and fell off. Did the falls keep you from riding again? Probably not. Write a new past NOW
It's your past tell the story you want to hear!

Everyday for the next 30 days: spend 5-10 minutes in the morning.... noticing the good things that support you
streetsanto

I go farther than that.I try do this all day, everyday. When the negative stuff gets in your head change the subject. If your in your car and a song comes on that's not to your liking what do you do?Keep listening, turn up the volume? No you change the channel or turn it off.
And the blind can lead the blind it all depends on your experiences and level of ability.
I would lose the 9 pages and compress it down to.- What would make me happy NOW ?

peace

Hi Jim, this is the right place to ask a question about these subjects. However, by asking one person, Simon, you are limiting the answers that the Universe can bring to you. We never know which channel, how, who, when etcetera the answers will arrive from.

I’ll answer the various parts of your question; see if you can pick up on the clues which are there. Remember, there are no right or wrong answers from the members of this forum; there are only the answers which may be solutions to your particular challenges. You have obviously made a request and answers have come forth, so choose the ones which resonate with you the most.

I’m not picking up a strong sense of ego-action in your writing, which implies to me that you’ve worked on yourself and have gone a long way towards moving away from judgment. However, you have to relax any and all judgment towards any and all of your own past actions, because self-devaluation and self-incrimination is judgment nonetheless.

I think the key issues here are that there’s a sense of impending doom in your question due to, in your estimation, a lack of time and fear that your money will run out and your belief that you’ll have to sell your house and the imagined response of your wife if you do in fact have to sell.

By appreciating everything in your life right now, your vibrational frequency will rise closer to the vicinity of love. You’ll feel better and will be able to reflect upon and consider the next step that’ll serve you best. Start appreciating everything as soon as you wake each morning.

Here’s something that helped me and it’s worth considering. If you go into it you will discover that each of us creates/selects the version of reality that we wish to perceive and experience. There’s no fundamental reality other than the reality that we define and believe to be reality. So our definitions and beliefs are what create the experience of the reality we perceive. All versions of reality are equal because there’s no fundamental underlying reality that exists for us to compare against.

Total freedom to choose any reality and trust that it will manifest comes with this understanding. So through your definitions and beliefs you and only you are creating your own reality. Your wife has also decided, at some level, to experience your current reality with you, you’re in it together. You did not create her reality, she did. Therefore, you can relax on that part of your current challenge and focus on creating the version of reality that you say you now prefer.

Our present moment 'NOW' reality is not created from our past (there is no past), it’s created from our present thoughts. We move through life by perceiving our now moment, which came about through our beliefs and definitions and then we decide if that’s really what we want. If not, we adjust our now reality by thinking different thoughts and choosing different beliefs and definitions; thus our current reality is a feedback loop that reveals our thoughts, beliefs and definitions to us.

You don’t have time? You have 5 months of savings to change your reality. I’d be surprised if changing it significantly took more than 2 months. It takes approximately 40 days to change a habit. You seem to be in the habit of projecting a version of reality which you don’t prefer into your future, so changing that habit, which is a belief that’s defining how your future will pan out, is the catalyst that will cause positive change in your life.

I find the teachings of Bashar to be most helpful as they resonate most strongly with me, so maybe they will with you too. Let’s see what he says about your fear:

How FEAR can Serve You

Fear means that you believe, that a scenario that you very much do not want to happen, is very likely to happen! So fear lets you know that you are believing in a reality that you do not prefer.

So, fear can serve you, by being an "indicator", or an "alarm", that lets you know that "Hey, I'm believing in a reality that is not at all aligned with my Being!" Once you become aware of this, you can choose to change your belief, so such frightening scenarios will no longer pop up in your reality.

1. Get in touch with the Belief that is causing this fear. Ask yourself: "What would I have to believe, in order to end up being afraid of this right now?"

2. Once you get in touch with the Belief that is generating this fear, then: Acknowledge that this is your current Belief. "Own" it. (You cannot change what you do not own.)

3. Ask yourself: "What Belief would I like to REPLACE this Belief with?"

4. Once you decide what your new preferred Belief is, accept it. Adopt it. Breath it in.

TRUST that this new Belief is now active and functioning in your Being.

(You don't need to "get rid of" the old Belief. You only need to replace it with your preferred Belief.)

Get into the Mind-Set of the new Belief.

Get into the Emotional-Feeling State of the new Belief.

Get into the Body-Language and Actions of the new Belief.

Always monitor your thoughts and choose to only focus on the ones which serve you. Automatically forgive yourself each time you fail to do this. Awareness of your unawareness is awareness.

Peace & Love & :-)

It sounds to me like you are not doing what you love. You need to decide, discover what drives you. We each have a common thread in our lives that shows us what we are inclined to do. For example, I am a teacher and encourager and inventor. So when I look for jobs to do, I look at ones that involve teaching and/or encouraging. I can do other things, but I don't thrive the same way. There are also counselors who usually do things like bartendending, hair and nails, and other jobs that also provides listening/counseling/talking. There are people who thrive on excitement and enjoy an adrenaline rush as often as possible. These people are emergency workers. This is a very limited example of what I mean. There are tests that you can do that help you decide what you should be doing. Or you can just search yourself, look at patterns in your life, decide what you enjoy and pursue a healthy outlet for that. Then employment will follow that. Have faith that it will.

Do not loose heart Jim; the good Lord will not give you more than you can bear, have faith, and have patience, everything in good time!

In the time of troubles, and hardship, my mother would always recite these words: “If God will provide for the Birds in the Air, he will provide for his Children.”