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I've been married for a year. We constantly fight due to my being cold or detached. Not showing emotion or comfort when it counts. I get extremely defensive and verbally violent when we argue and I'm clearly in the wrong. The tone I hear her voice go to makes me angry. I try to control it but I get loud and then I'm numb and couldn't care less what happens. I do care but I'm so numb to it I don't care. I don't know what to do I don't want to lose my wife and I'm trying to get help but I'm trying to see if there's more that I can do or advice someone has. I'm military with multiple tours in combat. This is my second marriage and my divorce that sided with my ex wife who clearly was at fault doesn't help the added stress that we go through in our everyday life. I just want to see what help I can find or similar cases and to see what is there available besides counseling. I run, I workout but isn't accessible all the time to help me release the pent-up anger that quickly develops in me. I channel and deal with my rage at work and everything else different but with my wife I don't know we get along when we do and I don't want to lose her. |
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Here's a suggested clearing process:
Here's an example of applying this process to your specific situation...
Identify The TriggerSeems like her tone of voice could play a part in being your trigger because you say...
You may later notice additional triggers within yourself such as her facial expression, the subjects she brings up, her gestures etc. Feel The Emotion ClearlyThe next time you are calm and centered within yourself (and away from her), deliberately conjure up that tone of voice in your mind. If that is the trigger, you will feel an uncomfortable sensation in a part of your body. Try to make that sensation as strong as you possibly can in that part of the body so it's as clear to you as it can possibly be. It will feel counter-intuitive to do this because normally we try to suppress uncomfortable emotions, not make them even more uncomfortable :) That's why it's a good idea to do this when she's not around otherwise making the emotion stronger may lead you into action (i.e. another round of rage against her) which is what you are trying to avoid. Clear That EmotionThere are many techniques around Inward Quest for "clearing" bad-feeling emotions. If you are new to all of these mind-power-style subjects then EFT might be the place to start. It's quick to learn and easy to apply. You can learn it from YouTube in a few minutes. Just do your EFT tapping while the emotion (identified above) is at its strongest within you so it's probably a good idea to learn the EFT tapping process first before starting this entire clearing process.
If you keep going with this clearing process until there's nothing left to "trigger" you, you'll find that you'll remain completely calm regardless of what she says or does...and you won't even have to try :)
@Stingray - A couple of questions... 1) What exactly do you do to make the emotion as strong as possible? Do you artificially strengthen it in some way? And 2) Does this effectively engage "core issues" and not symptoms? Have you ever had the need to follow up with Manifesting Experiment 4 to drill deeper?
(27 Jan '17, 23:33)
WeRadiateBeauty
@WeRadiateBeauty - "What exactly do you do to make the emotion as strong as possible? Do you artificially strengthen it in some way?" - What I do is simply focus upon the "body feeling" until it grows stronger. So if, for example, I feel a dull throbbing at the base of neck, I just focus upon it for a few moments so I "tune into" it more while completely forgetting about the issue that brought up that feeling. Once it's as strong as I can dare make it, I tap it out. If anyone...
(29 Jan '17, 13:57)
Stingray
@WeRadiateBeauty - ...reading this has trouble being able to do that kind of thing, the (free) MC2 Method has some useful advice: http://www.inwardquest.com/questions/60407 Another thing to try is to increase your emotional senstivity in general using either regular meditation or Vortex alignments. Background info here: How can I reconnect with my emotions?
(29 Jan '17, 14:01)
Stingray
@WeRadiateBeauty - "Does this effectively engage "core issues" and not symptoms?" - There's no guarantee it will absolutely hit the "core issue" because many people have made themselves numb to what's really bothering them and tend to skirt around the big issue. But it does get you in the ballpark area, and by clearing some of the "noise", it can lead to greater clarity and insight regarding the deeper issues. To drill deeper more systematically, ME-4 (as you've mentioned) is valuable.
(29 Jan '17, 14:07)
Stingray
@WeRadiateBeauty - Also, mainstream EFT itself has a body of knowledge that deals with unearthing the "core issue". It goes by the name of "EFT Aspects". As for whether I've ever drilled down further...not really. I cleared up many of my "core issues" a long while ago which is how methods like ME-4 got put together in the first place...I just thought about all the difficulties I had in clearing stuff up the hard way and what would have made things easier for me during those times
(29 Jan '17, 14:11)
Stingray
@Stingray - Thank you for your thorough and well-detailed responses! Very helpful as always :)
(30 Jan '17, 07:32)
WeRadiateBeauty
1
@WeRadiateBeauty - Just to add... If you want to be precise and make sure to clean up core issues with EFT, I find Gary Craig's work excellent. Very well worth reading and studying his concepts of "specific events" and "aspects". http://www.emofree.com/eft-tutorial/eft-tapping-tutorial.html
(30 Jan '17, 16:07)
releaser99
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A couple of questions @wilfredo85 and a couple of thoughts...
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