All this positive thinking is great and I use it as often as I can, but man, I sure wish sometimes it would be a little bit easier.

I mean I've been on this spiritual path for more than three years now and even though it seems I have resolved many challenges, many old beliefs, they still pop up out of nowhere. And even though I get most things pretty fast, meaning that what would make most people jump up and down from a insight or a recognition of something I sometimes get like 10 or 20 in a row thinking to myself "Well, that's neat.. So that's how it works.."

And I'm not writing that to say "Look at me, how cool I am". I'm saying it because those are the facts, because that's the way I am and I have no tangible reason to explain it yet. But still I write about this out of respect for anyone who is willing to be on a spiritual path for 10, 20 or 30 years as I know many of you are right now. I mean, by now you should have transcended ALL of your limitations and ALL of the things pulling you down, but somehow you can't. Why is that?

I don't know really why that is. I have a few guesses but that's all they are - guesses, theories, hopes and dreams. The only REAL thing I can tell you is for me on this journey and what was the thing that is hooking me each time I'm sick and tired and I would just quit this life for all I care, are the feelings that I've had since I started on this journey.

I was maybe one of the most closed-in people I know. I mean, since I was like 9 or 10 years old and I got into a fight and got my ass kicked, after returning home my mom looked at me crying and said "Be a man, don't cry." I knew she didn't mean it in a bad way but since that moment on something in my brain said that I wanted to be a real man and that I would never show my real face, EVER, to anyone.

And so it went. Till I was 24 everything that I have experienced until that time was never shown onto the outer world. Everything was in me. As I look at it now I was never honest before. Or maybe I was honest, but I wasn't compassionate. I just didn't give a fuck about anyone or anything. I said and did whatever I wanted, when I wanted. I was unotuchable. People would fear me. I was like those bad-ass gangsters in the movies that everyone is afraid of -- I had everything in outside, but I was scared and empty inside.

So my first real outburst of emotion got probably about a year after I consciously decided to go on a spiritual path. One day, which was my lowest day in my life, when the world was crushing and falling on my face, I heard a voice in my head say "Time to take responsibility for everything you did in your life and for who you are and start changing your life, because the way it is now, it doesn't work." So it started.

But it was so subtle that I forgot about it for a year. But changes started happening inside, very slowly I was being drawn to people, places and teachings that would allow me to release the baggage I was so dearly holding on to.

And, after a year of figuring things out, one day, I don't remember why exactly, something snapped in me again and I cried on the floor of my room for almost an hour and it felt great. I felt se releaved, so refreshed, so genuine in it.. I knew it was the real me crying and not just the facade, not the asshole that was there before.

So let's say it was about three years ago and what now? I still cry, but now I'm consciously and unconsciously attracting situations into my life that let me be that real and genuine person. Those are the times whae I'm fully exposed, not hiding behind a computer screen or my social status or anything like that. I especially like crying when people are around me, because that way it is harder and that way I'm telling them "It's OK if you want to cry too!"

You see, it was never ok with me before. I mean, you could cry but I would just say or do something to get your or my mind of it, because I felt that those who showed their emotions are the weak ones. I don't think that anymore. I feel that showing who you are, exposing yourself in front on anyone else is one of the most heroic things you can ever do and I encourage everyone to look for things, people, situations that inspire you to cry or laugh full-heartedly and feel that release, feel that love flushing all over your being.

I know that probably everyone who is reading these words had those feelings one time or the other in their life and that's why they are still on this path - after 10, 20 or 30 years, because finding this authenticity is the most beautiful gift that you can ever give to yourelf, no matter the time of year.

But even though I have dove deep into my being, even though I'm giving it my best shit each time the opoturnity presents itself, it never seems enough. It never transcends my suffering completely. I mean that the suffering is less than it used to be, much less, but it's still there. Why is it still there? Why won't it just go the fuck away and leave me alone! I'm tired of struggling, I really am. I'm ready to let everything out and open myself to the goodness of God, to the gifts that are coming to me each day even tough I don't see them.

I'm not thankful enough, that's what I can tell you for sure. I'm not thankful that I was being born and raised in a family that provided me with every possible mean to grow in much physical comfort. To being able to afford many things that others couldn't.

That I just bash my past right now like it was just a piece of shit while it was one of the most wonderful adventures I could ever be on. To experience so many beautiful and amazing things for the first time. To have a family that loved me. They weren't perfect, so wasn't I. The campings, kisses, parties, singing with friends, sitting by the fire, watching movies with my brother, getin my asskicked by him every night before we went to bed. Yeah, I'm not greatful enough for my brother.

He helped me to become who I am today. Without him I wouldn't exist. When I was so intomyself he was the one that would try to balance me out, to help me go out of emotions which were so in me that they almost made me explode. I never told him how much he meant to me, how much he taught me. Iąm telling it now, right now. But is it enough to do it in zour heart and not to vocalize it

I dont know. I hope its enough for now.

Im not grateful enough for my parents who love me more than life, who would give anything to me and they proved it time and time again. And who was I in all of this? I would scream at them Look at yourselves. You hate eachother. Stop it.

That was my idea of compassion few years ago. I felt I was better than them because I read some books about meditation and cried a few times. But only recently Im really starting to aprecieate them. Im really starting to see the real them that they are. Poeple from houses that were also not perfect, yet they did the best they could.

And Im not grateful enough for that they were the ones who took this soul onto themselves saying Were gonna do our best to raise him. And they did. I just never saw it because I was so focused on myself.

And I still am focused on myself. I can lie to everyone trying to convince them, that Im not. I could even lie to myself, but Im just too tired to do that. Im to tired to pretend that I care what happens with this world. Im too tired too pretend that why I am on this spiritual journey is for What can I get out of this. How many more amazing experiences are there for me if I keep it up. How many people can I transform, only so they can bring me to another level of evolution.

Yes, Im a selfish prick and I know it. I would like to have all the free time in the world and dont work for anything, rather I would just liked everything to be handed to me. I would even do immoral things to do that. I would like a status of a spiritual teacher. That way I could focus on gathering experiences for myself without having to feel guilty. And if the house needed to be cleaned, or the toilet got plucked I could say Hey, its not mz job to fix it.

I would use my status not to do physical work, because frankly, I just dont like it. And I dont care about saying Oh, in the future thats how it's going to be. We wont have to work, we will consume energy directly and some stuff like that.

Well, I dont even know if there is any future. I dont know where will I be tomorrow, not to mention 20 years from now. Yeah, Im not greatful enough for today.

Im not grateful enough for being able to write these words. Again while writing I experienced this cleansing associated with crying. Its a great feeling and yet, it will pass. After I post this I will get up and go do something else and forget about it. But not quite. In the back of my mind I will be curious how will this reply be accepted by people. What will it do to people like you, who is reading it right now.

So to check up I will click few times a day on this website, trying to convince myself that I really dont care, that I want to look at other questions, but secretly, in the back of my mind I know I care. I know I want praise for the good work Im doing. I want to be important. I want to have impact on people. I want them to give me life altering experiences.

And thats why I am with them. Thats why I write, talk, walk and breath the way I do, because I want to inspire others to inspire me. This question has inspired me to reveal something about myself that was deep inside me and you bet your ass I will come here to check up on it. Why not.

You have a baby and you want to see how it grows, starts to walk, than run and so on. I want to see how what I do affects others. I want to know what is helpful to poeple and whats not.

So dont be a stranger, send me a message about it how you think what Ive been saying has affected you. And why not. Is asking about it needie, immature or something like that. Wont it be that when you will feel that I disarve it you will let me know yourself.

Maybe you will or maybe you wont, I dont care. But I know what I care about ++ I care about feeling good and I know that you do too. And I can promise you that the more people you help feel good about themselves the more it will come back and haunt you that one day the whole world will throw a big, big party for you. And when they do, remember that I was the one that helped it happen so dont forget an invite! :)))

PS. I got so emotional writing this post that after half of the text my keyboard got scrambled and I just dont care about editing it and stuff. Im going to have some fun!

Edit - 5 minutes after I posted this answer my neighbour came bringing me and my family Flame of Peace from Jerusalem and I had so much fun giving it to others too! Happy Holidays!

I hope that you will be in a place in a few years where you are no longer just "coping." However...

It may sound like a cliché, but the most important things in life have nothing to do with money. Money gives you more choices, that's all. But as long as you have food to eat and a roof over your head, you have plenty to be grateful for.

I have seen and read many of your posts, Jai. I know you are a remarkable woman, with talents you haven't even tapped yet. I also know you have some challenges. Sometimes those challenges can seem bigger than they actually are. But within every challenge lies opportunity. Within every condition of lack, there is the seed of abundance.

It is my feeling that, within the next year, you will find something that is uniquely fitted to your talents, and you will pursue it with much vigor and enthusiasm. When you do, you will feel more alive than you ever had before, and the troubles you have today will seem small, indeed.

Blessings,

Robert

Don't even think about it!

Every time I think of you, or see your name, I will see you with every type of abundance. I will see you writing books, story-telling, and enjoying your animals....happy in every way.

Every chance you get, see yourself this way as well!

Best wishes....

Saw your question yesterday,been busy ,The thing that caught my eye was the statement "I am broke" I haven't had a steady job since '08. I still like to shop on-line for a new Porsche.(leaning towards Panamera s4 just having a little trouble deciding on what colors) some where it has been said to tell a different story. And of course the daily quote hits quite close to home too

This is always true: What I think and how I feel, and what manifests, is always a vibrational match. But here's the big kicker: What manifests isn't manifesting instantaneously. So, you've got all this buffer of time leeway that makes you sloppy... If you thought a negative thought and a brick would instantly fall on your head every time, you'd clean up your thinking. But you're not here to be punished about your thinking. You're here to use your thinking—and your focus—to create.

--- Abraham

Excerpted from the workshop in Washington, DC on Saturday, May 7th, 2005 #661

I also have read and respeted many of your answers and questions. You have lots to give and lots to get in return.
Just change your story
peace

After reading When Everything Changes, Change Everything, I learned that some of my statements (like I also said quite recently "I'm broke) were from a distorted reality. Meaning that I was not really broke but I did not have the amount of money I would like in order to live more comfortably and have the ability to get some niceties.

Like Vesuvius said want versus need comes in. You have what you need (or so it looks :)), food and shelter and such. Everything on top of that is just a bonus.

Got food?...check

Got cloths?...check

Got love to give?...check and check again (I know you have an abundance of that sister)

Got people that love you? CHECK!

Got milk? sorry could not esist

Looks like you have quite a lot, and the money thing? Well, life seems to be cycular and another helping of that cash is on it's way. Promise!

Nothing is free but the grace of God.

Much love for you Jai

Mchael

Jai, Use you knowledge to make money, I don't do much with it now. But, I am an Ordained Minister. I started in my apartment and then a friend donated his house. We use to meet once a week for a prayer group. Someone made coffee and someone brought cookies. Many people drove up to 30 miles to attend. I taught them how to speak their word for what they wanted. The next week we would go over their demonstration, and any new desires. I used The Bible, and new age books for the lessons they needed to live more abundantly. I charged a donation (usually thought of as $5-?) Then for pain I did laying on of hands free. The group Lasted about 5 years. I'm sure you have the tools and there is no lack of people in need. I can tell you more if needed. Manny Blessings Tom, Actually Rev. Tom if you need to go there

I very rarely add another answer but this is too good to pass up. I found this today (just now)

How Rich Are We?

You are not broke, since all of your needs are taken care of even as I write to you, so do not be discouraged, be patience and wait, and see what the LOA will manifest for you in the right time frame! You will get your share out of the Big Pie, so be strong in your faith, and remember that your friends will come through for you in the time of need!