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Hi Everyone. I’m in a very confused state, and need some wisdom sharing. My story is that; I’m thirty years old female. I‘ve been into more than 5 relationships at different times. Three of them I was engaged and called off. In all cases, it was me who called of the engagement. If I have to explain why in a summarized way, I never got feeling that it was what I wanted. Recently I’ve meet a man who also want to marry me.This man wants marriage. He didn't want the for us to date first and see. He said, " I am turning 40 and don't have time to play by being your boyfriend". We met two months ago. He appeared to be the kind of man I can spend the rest of my life and do everything I want to be or do in life so for this reasons, I agreed to move in to his place. I went to his church and it was exactly the kind of church I needed for my spiritual growth and I joined the church after not attending church for a long time, only because I never seem to relate in so many ways. But now, after all this, I am finding myself wanting to leave the relationship and be alone again. We both come from different country. His been married and got divorced. His got two kids from different moms and one of children lives with him or now with us. She is ten year old now. His family is very much dependent on him and his one who does everything for almost everyone. His brother also lives with us for now. I see a lot of problems that might come in a later stage in our life and the reasons why I want to leave. But because I have always been the one finding enough reasons to leave, I’m afraid if I am making going to make wrong decisions. I’m telling myself I will take this as a spiritual practice and live with it happy or not….but on the other side, I am not sure if I can handle it or not. The fact is, when I ask myself why I’m with him….the honest answer I get from inside is more of because I want his support. I’m interested in the kind of live style he might afford to give me. But I also realize it’s not a good reason to be with someone. I’m crying for help and please help me. Some of you might remember that I have shared my concerns of breaking my engagement 3 times and your feed back has helped me a lot. Mia |
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the issue is free will. Do this. Picture yourself in teh same situation you are in now, and see it 5 years from now, Will it change? if it does not can you handle it? Me and my wife haev been through so much good and bad BUT this is teh best things about it. It made us learn! If you truly love him and cannot see yourseklf with out hiom, stay!. If not wel leave!. I cannot tell you what to do but only tel;l you t follow ur heart! love n light, rob |
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I can feel that emotionally you must be in a very, very turbulent storm. What do to? When we are in this emotion storm .....we sometimes can't hear the proper answer from within. The true answer of course is only relative to your current beliefs and felings....so only YOU can really answer it.....But How do we attempt to solve this now...short of the usual "go meditate on it" response? My thought would be suck some of the emotion out of the equation. To do this I would simply try to engage the "non-emotional" left side of the brain more. How? Make a list of the qualities you are looking for in a life partner. Populate the list in the highest priority quality first...then less important...until you get to 10. The Top 10 qualities your Partner must have. Now, make a list of the Qualities of your current Partner. You can even further dissect his list by analyzing strengths vs "flaws"......just so you can take another look at how he measures up against your overall List of what you seek in a Life Partner. Next, take some quality time to look inward...it might help to ask yourself one question: Why do I want to be in a relationship now ? As you write out your response... I think that the feelings that come over you... will help you to a sure answer :) Thank you so much. I feel so much understood by you. Do you think i should move out during this clarity period? We are living togther at the moment. We both work from home so, we are stuck 24 hours in the house. What is your advice please?
(28 May '11, 08:36)
mia
I would say move out....if that idea makes you feel better. Or, work somewhere else during the day. But don't let this "moving out" thing cause more emotional stress for you. Even better...maybe to get away temporarily for a couple of weeks...without actually moving out all your stuff.
(28 May '11, 15:47)
streetsanto
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At first good/wrong decision not exists at all. What you decide is always your interpretation of your beliefs. Your every decision always contains good/bad things. Where you focus ? So If you want to break, do it. But before you do that I recommend to get in touch with the core motivation behind it, please meditate or focus on one point (eg. wall or some spotlight before going to sleep is sufficient enough to go into alpha state). When you find calm and peace in your mind ask yourself kindly "what trouble will happen if I get married ?" or "why it is necessary to break up ?" or "What if my partner is not my ideal ?" Do not force the answer, just let your thought pattern jump in. The answer will lead you to know your truth belief for breaking. Sometimes it's just a crazy idea learned from a movie. Once you get the point write down your reasons why it is true or false for you. You can alter this core belief or beliefs and get a whole new perspective to decice your breaking. Thank you i am going to do this and get back with the feed back. Curently we live togther, do you advice me to leave and be alone until i have a clear answer?
(28 May '11, 08:34)
mia
Sometimes It's hard to see the thought behind the scene if you live it but not impossible. You can only isolate yourself from the current reality when you meditating because you can't run away from your reality. It doesn't matter if you leave or stay, you will live that life everywhere.
(28 May '11, 10:34)
Tibor S.
Thanks again Tibor. Your advice is so helpful. I have talked about this issue with my partner last Sunday. This is his suggestion after hearing me. He said that, " take this arrangment as if we are sharing a house togther and do what you have to do in the house as a good house mate" but this does mean we are both allowed to see other people. We both remain commited to each other but we don't give so much attention about marraige an being wife and husband or oprate as husband and wife, which is what we were doing at first. For some reasons, this has set me free and i have no a peace of mind.
(01 Jun '11, 08:10)
mia
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Have you expressed your feelings to your partner ? Is your partner open to discussions ? If he is willing to make this commitment then he must be willing to discuss it as well.Maybe do some of the exercises that streetsano recommended together. If the man is a true life partner you should be able to discuss everything with them including your doubts and fears as well as hope and ambition. |
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you always see it from what i want! what you want and what you need are two different things! try to see what can i give to him? is it what he needs?and what does he give me?is it what i need? not want but need! if you see things in this way it will change your vision of things!many people always go for what they want but what they want is not what they need so it does not work! well try it that way and see if it change how you see things! This has changed a lot white tiger. If i look at things this way, he responds to many of my needs at this point ot time. Say, I need a place to stay and not being worried about rent, I need someone to help me rebuild my bussiness and what i aspire to do and his the right person. My concern is this, at some point i will no longer have this needs, or if i don't the above needs i have mentioned, will i still choice him, the answer is "NO"...and this is exactly why I was thinking of leaving.
(01 Jun '11, 08:08)
mia
well mia and you are you helping him?are you giving him what he needs? and if you will not choice him after your needs and want are done then you are just selfish using someone for your benefit!so basicaly you do not deserve him! and he needs someone better that love him for who he is and not for what he can give them! so he is not the problem in the relationship you are!you needs to learn to love for real! by what you can give with no desire behind it that is true love!
(01 Jun '11, 15:51)
white tiger
Thank you very much White tiger. Yes i am giving him what he needs as well. I am giving more than 8hours of my time by rasing his 9 years old child. Like waking up at 6am, prepare here for shcool, drop and pick up, cook at home...help him with his work...etc.My confusion comes, when i think of if his really the kind of person that i would like to spend the rest of my life, and the answer is not a "yes" yet for me. So i am not very sure, if i sould just stay by giving and taking what we both need at this point of time or else, move out and get on with our individual life.
(03 Jun '11, 08:00)
mia
well then explain to me why it is not a yes? from what you are telling me he is perfect helps every one and give you everything you need! so what is the problem usely women say men do not want to marry they are afraid of engagement! you have one that wants to and you are afraid to marry? what is the real problem you do not trust him or you do not trust yourself? try to pin point the real problem!
(03 Jun '11, 08:32)
white tiger
or is the problem the fact that many people are getting support from him and you don't feel special because that is what you expect of him? and if he is really like that don't you think that he deserve a wife that support him also? mariage is not only for the fun part what are the vows?
(03 Jun '11, 08:43)
white tiger
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Hi mia. briefly, it sounds as if you already know the answer. If there's strong doubt, then that's not the path for you ♥