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So I've been going through some stuff lately, been triggered into lots of shame and anxiety over the smallest things, which has made me realise that perhaps this is happening for a reason. I've been on the spiritual path for a long time now, and I think I'm finally strong enough to embrace my shadow and let go of all the self-rejection I've been carrying around for ages. But it's a little bit scary! I did a bit of meditation earlier where I just tried to look hard at all of the parts of myself which I was rejecting, parts of me that fill myself with disgust and self-loathing (a lot of it connected to sexual shame, which I have been running away from for ages now by trying to be as sexually open-minded and liberated as possible, which has often led to situations that triggered the shame even more because it wasn't fully healed to begin with). And the whole thing is kind of painful. I could hardly even look at those parts of me. But I know that the only way to move past it and to fully heal is to accept them. I had low self-esteem all my life, and even though I now feel much more confident in myself, that confidence comes with a lot of conditions. If I even fail a little bit or stray from my ideal image of myself, I beat myself up endlessly. I want to be able to embrace and love all the parts of me that don't live up to this imagined ideal. I guess I'd just love some advice or comforting words from my favourite online community :)
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I feel like I just want to add something to the information you've already received here. To accept something doesn't mean you have to like it Acceptance just means that you are no longer going to use it as an excuse for creating a state of vibrational dis-harmony with your broader self. It just means you are going to (vibrationally) leave it alone. For example, let's say your boss Mr Smith acts like a raging tyrant with you at work and it obviously makes you feel terrible. Well, it's probably fair to say that you are never going to like that behavior, but you can certainly find a way to accept it. By accepting, we are just saying we're going to "let it be" just as it is and move on with our lives regardless of how it is. To me, that doesn't really mean we need to embrace it, or love it. You probably wouldn't want to embrace Mr Smith anyway except with a clenched fist impacted on his face :) As Michaela says, it's about "not denying any of those parts of our being that we've previously deemed as wrong" You just let those parts be what they are, and move on. I've been looking for an excuse for some time now to make a particular point and I might as well try to sneak it into this answer... :) Sometimes I get the impression that people think they need to be completely "clear" and "clean" before they can make progress with their lives and enjoy the happiness they deserve. No, to me that's not it at all. You only need to find a way to feel enough relief or breathing room from what you consider to be "bad" or "wrong" to put yourself into the vibrational range of being able to access a better-feeling thought and then, from there, another better-feeling thought, and then another, and another, and another....until you slide right into your Vortex. (I also tried, perhaps unsuccessfully, to get this point across in What does it mean to become less rigid about your resistant thoughts? Can you give me a practical example? ) Trying to fix anything from outside the Vortex is only eventually going to result in you having more stuff to fix from outside the Vortex...it's a game without end, you'll play it for the rest of your life, and it's a game you'll never win. And when you do finally manage to get into the Vortex (even for a relatively short amount of time) and look back again at those "wrong" parts of you, you'll realize very clearly from there that they made you what you are today...and for that, you'll start feeling immense gratitude instead. :) |
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Firstly I would suggest letting go of the ideal image. I think the greatest danger on the spiritual path is setting up an ideal image that we then feel we have to live up to. From what you've written I know you realize the key is self acceptance and that means not denying any of those parts of our being that we've previously deemed as wrong. The only way to move toward this is through forgiveness of the person or situation that has hurt us but more importantly forgiveness toward ourself. This does not necessarily mean even speaking words of forgiveness toward the other person but more letting go of the energy contained within the resentful feelings we've been holding on to. Liberating that energy becomes a gift to both ourselves and the other if they are open to receiving it. If they aren't open to receiving it, the energy within the situation then becomes their burden to bear but we are free to move on no longer carrying that burdensome energy within our own being. Those shadow aspects are then brought into the light of conscious awareness and no longer show up in our life experience as dysfunctional habits or behaviours, but become integrated as part of a whole human/spiritual being on this journey we call life. |
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When you are thinking about love and happiness, you are doing it NOW. When you are thinking about misery and pain, you are doing it NOW. Whether you're thinking about the past or the future, you are doing it NOW. The pain of the past cannot exist, unless you are activating it in your mind NOW. Even if it's a very "special", "big" and "important" story. What you give attention to NOW creates the future new you. The only time is NOW. What do you choose to do with it? |
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well cassiopeia stop imagining ideal and be that ideal. be the light that you are. you have free will and are responsible of your choice. move from the false center the ego. to the real you the spirit of truth. and you will see that you are beating and judging your self for nothing. after look at the fact what are your strongh point and what are your weakness? and how does that affect you and other people in your life. then you will know on what weakness to work to make it a strenght in balence and harmony. experience and enjoy. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=P_vtD2uZeZc |
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This is a meditation which is part of a channeling workshop made by Darryl and Bashar. Is a meditation regarding the personality fragmentation and reintegration of it. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vUwppw2GLg8 The meditation starts around 4:20. I don't know if the meditation spills over to the next video (the workshop is pretty long), so you might want to create a playlist first. Not related to that, later in the workshop he does what he calls the XYZ meditation which is about accessing information which I think is pretty powerful. Hope it helps. @Kriegerd - thanks for the Darryl/Bashar channeling workshop link, very useful :)
(29 Feb '12, 11:47)
blubird two
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Dear, precious cassiopeia, why after your previous posts do you continue giving attention to the painful things you don't want?
I don't know. I feel like a can of worms was opened up recently, and I keep reminding myself that it doesn't have to be this way, that I am in control of my own creation, but then I also keep forgetting - like, every 30 seconds. But it's not like I'm not trying at all - I've been working very hard to stay in the feeling of self-acceptance. But it's like it's not 'solid' yet, and it's so very easy to slip out.
Although this still does tie in with my previous post - I realised that my shame was an indicator of parts of myself that I was not accepting - but now I'm at a bit of a loss of how to actually go about re-integrating these parts. I'm going to do a bit of visualisation on self-acceptance before I drift off to sleep though, and hopefully I will wake up with more answers.
use releaser99's brute force method to regain emotional control. shadow work is very intensive.