I love music. When I was in grade school and high school, we had competitions for solos and ensembles- if we, as a school, did well enough, we went to state competition.

I loved to play my viola, but I always freaked out in front of the audience. I never had private lessons- I was mostly self-taught- but I played very well when I was alone. It was when someone was watching that I seemed to "lose it"- I was terrified of flubbing it in front of people. I remember a vocal solo I had, and when my choral director came in to watch me, my heart went down to my toes, and I sang horribly.

So, obviously, competition is not my forte. I always felt great joy when I played alone, but when someone watched, I freaked out. I made a huge mistake when I went to college- I should have majored in music, but my "stage-fright" had me convinced that I could never play an instrument or sing in front of a crowd. I was so wrong. I did not know that I had to do this: transfer the joy to the stage!

My senior year in high school, I decided to tackle the Accolay Concerto (The link has Perlman playing- I am no Perlman!!! Just thought you'd like to hear it) for my solo. It had taken me a year to work up that piece, and I had even paid a friend to accompany me on piano for the competition. The room was empty up until the last minute- so I thought I would do okay. The judge was far away. So far, so good. Then, the entire rest of my orchestra came trooping into the door to cheer me on...GASP! I should have expected this (I was the President of the group.). But something inside me came forward- a fighter part of me I did not know was there. I played the Concerto...and I got a First! The kids clapped for me, and then I knew such Joy...such peace. I had done it, I had performed. But I still retained my fear that I would fail in front of audiences, so I went to college and was very unhappy- except in chorus and orchestra (Duh!).

Just this past Christmas, I wrote a song for our church. Our organist and Wade and I performed the piece. It was a Joy! I was never even nervous! So I guess I have out-grown that fear. I am so glad.

Now that the Joy is back, I have decided that I am going to try and get back to my piano-playing. Why not? It's just for me and God!

It's really all about Joy- in the end.

Love,

Jaianniah

Something similar was happening to me with girls. I hardly ever get impressed by any girl, and if I do, she's usually stunner. Which means there are tons of other guys who like such girl as well. I always became very jealous, out of insecurity of not being worthy enough. Always saw the other guys as competition. But there was no joy in living like that. It was a weird, anxious and sick feeling.

To compete out of joy of competing is what I do nowadays. Not to compete out of desire to win or prove that I'm better than anyone. I'm already the best, since every single moment (yes, even when I feel down and get drunk or depressed) I do the best I can, so nobody can top me and I cannot top anyone else. Which in other words mean, we are all equal and I don't care for winning. After all, there are only winners in this world.

And by the way, I ride a motorcycle too, to buy one was one of the best decisions I have ever made.

I will take the example of one of the sports I love which is badminton. I love the game and I try and play once a week, in fact I went to play today and for the first time in weeks, I won 3 out of the 5 single games played. Usually, I just win the one or two games at the very most. But I did not feel very different from the times that I lost as they are always very competitive games and I enjoy them.

I love to compete and I do like it when I win but I have to admit I also love it when I know that there is someone that manages to beat me because that gives me the motivation and opportunity to improve. If I am already the best and I always win, then there is no motivation for me to get any better, from my perspective anyway.

This is where the real joy comes from when I compete, when I know I have a good opponent.

Lately in my work, my fellow who I was training progressed in a noticeable way, occupying large attention which I was supporting (with little passing jealous) as she is polite with calm character.

Then she went proud and I was struggling with my vortex in and out, so I stopped being that supporter and went competitor.

I felt that when she will do mistakes I will return the best, note that her behavior turned my vibrating to that opposite way (Huh... so she is happy with her pride)

She did two mistakes with bad consequences on the job, I helped in fixing them, as her behavior stopped annoying me, she returned calm, I returned calm too inwardly quitting attracting bad conditions for both of us unconsciously.

*"The only way I will win is if he falls, hard!"*

In LOA world you have not to be competitor when there are enough for all, but when you are in a one competition with one prize and one first place, you should compete, how.

It is not about competition it is about those bad feelings, envy, jealousy and animosity.

Compete with the ideas of : When I work hard, I win, when I focus I am the best.

Compete yourself and the all fun of the world will create.

Sometimes my mind roam like a busy factory machine and I enjoy challenging and domesticate its bad commands.

Do not quit your race quit your mind attention on others and turned it on him!

So competition is enjoyably when the feelings are healthy.

i do not do what i hate. so i do not struggle or compete. i do what i like to do because i enjoy doing it. sometime i will do something i do not enjoy as much because i have to do it for another reason then i will try to enjoy it and learn from it. we all have things we are better at or enjoy more to do. if you compete and struggle then you have missed the point of the experience. one should not go in extremes extreme heat will burn you and extreme cold will also burn you. the middle path is always better. it brings less stress on you and you will live longuer. many look for the straigh and narrow road of truth but fee find it. experience and enjoy.

Hi Dollar Bill

I am not answering your question.

I just want to let you know that your experience is worthy of being much more that being just a question here.

Your story is wonderful and inspiring.

I think there is definitely a great movie here.

Considering that this is your own experience, I think you should definitely put it down in a story form and then expand it into a novel or a movie script.

As I read your question, I noticed that you have a natural gift for telling a story.

There are publishers out there that are interested in taking personal experiences such as yours and turning them into a commercially viable medium.

Genesis 4

3 And in process of time it came to pass, that Cain brought of the fruit of the ground an offering unto the LORD.

4 And Abel, he also brought of the firstlings of his flock and of the fat thereof. And the LORD had respect unto Abel and to his offering:

5 But unto Cain and to his offering he had not respect. And Cain was very wroth, and his countenance fell.

6 And the LORD said unto Cain, Why art thou wroth? and why is thy countenance fallen?

7 If thou doest well, shalt thou not be accepted? and if thou doest not well, sin lieth at the door. And unto thee shall be his desire, and thou shalt rule over him.

8 And Cain talked with Abel his brother: and it came to pass, when they were in the field, that Cain rose up against Abel his brother, and slew him.

9 And the LORD said unto Cain, Where is Abel thy brother? And he said, I know not: Am I my brother's keeper?

10 And he said, What hast thou done? the voice of thy brother's blood crieth unto me from the ground.

11 And now art thou cursed from the earth, which hath opened her mouth to receive thy brother's blood from thy hand;