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I went out on two dates with a man. We went further sexually than I intended to on the 2nd date, and it has been 6 weeks since I have seen him (work, he says, although he did text me in this time). Now he has called for a third date as he promised he would when the busyness cleared. I am curiously nutty about him - disproportionately so, but hurt by the time it has taken him. How can I calm down, let go, and let it be what it is?
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Lyra If you haven't already done so I would definitely recommend you read "The Vortex" by Esther and Jerry Hicks. It has chapters entitled "Mating and the Law of Attraction" and "Sexuality and the Law of Attraction" that I think could really help you. In essence try changing your thoughts to something that feels good and watch what happens - easier said that done though when you are in the middle of it - good luck. Thank you for the suggestion. I saw the Vortex reference elsewhere, and it is helpful to know the authors :-)
(08 Jun '12, 08:52)
lyra
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Hello kind people. This is just an update to let you know that I just came in from Date 3 and I had such a good time. We went to dinner, dancin, sitting down in a lovely little cafe chatting about everything from politics to childhood. Some hand-holding and tickling and teasing each other, but nothing else. Drove me home, talked about how it was FAR too long since we've seen each other and it can't be like that again (I prompted none of this) and with mutual grins, we parted. We got to know each other some more. It was very nice, very sweet. Thank you SO much for your comments. They helped, I promise. The kindness of strangers is a magnificent thing. Oh, and focus wheels are fabulous!! |
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Only time will tell what his intentions are as it is too early at this stage to know. Maybe he was realy working and maybe he is only interested in a bit of hanky-panky. Only you can tell what is the truth. Next time you have a date dont go too far sexualy and see if he calls again. If he does good and if he doesn't than maybe that was all he wanted. 1
I'm nuts on this topic of love and I dread dating as described in this question. I don't like to date at all. Because shouldn't love be exciting, heart pumping, mind-boggling thing? Not waiting, contemplating nor worrisome. Why it isn't like that with every date? Are people afraid to really ask of life what they truly enjoy and to flow in ecstasy of it? Why is the need to be with someone, almost anyone, greater than to be with the one that's true to who we are, when we're true to ourselves.
(08 Jun '12, 03:19)
CalonLan
Where there then, is a place for "dating". There is not. Is there a fear of being hurt if open? Because to experience crazy love one has to be fully opened, which means can get easily hurt. When all defences are down, there's not worry or fear of anything to come, and someone of the same vibration comes your way... it is the greatest feeling in the world to me. Who didn't experience it even if for a day, can't comprehend it. Who did, will never look for anything else.
(08 Jun '12, 03:25)
CalonLan
Thank you Paulina! I do believe he was working. That is not in question. What I do find difficult is shifting/releasing a very specific belief of mine (it must be deep rooted, the bugger keeps coming back for my attention): I believe that a man who really feels passionate does not leave it for 6 weeks. I find it then tremendously hard to reconcile that belief with the fact of this upcoming date, and find myself frightened and self-protective. Of what? Hurt. I am so tender & scared in this area.
(08 Jun '12, 08:43)
lyra
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You said it nicely lyra! "I believe that a man who really feels passionate does not leave it for 6 weeks"... of course such man doesn't. Romeo and Juliet is only fiction if we let it be fiction. Who says that you can't live through the same story (with better ending) too. That is if you want to. Go girl, let your dreams unfold in all their beauty and demand them to happen! Fingers crossed for you :)
(08 Jun '12, 08:47)
CalonLan
@CalonLan - Such lovely comments. Thank you for being so positive. I am aware that my expectations are much like Romeo&Juliet. But they died :-) A pal of mine has reminded me that in early days of her relationship, the man called her barely and once went away for a month. She (and you) remind me that it does NOT have to look like a fairytale to be authentic. I will just have to see. Keep the fingers crossed that I will allow myself to be happy and in the moment! x
(08 Jun '12, 09:08)
lyra
@CalonLan.true..i agree wth u, we r nt open cmpltly ..in fear of getting hurt. but,i tell u..,crazy love does exists,i believe in it. i hav seen such couples who r madly in love wth ech othr.its just the matter of time..u knw ,if we keep on believing that.."evn,i do deserve just crazy love..passionate love, then,we will be in such passinate mutual lovely realtionship".
(23 Aug '12, 13:59)
supergirl
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@Iyra, good question:) If you replace 'He' with 'It has', it can apply to any situation. At the end of your question you ask "How can I calm down, let go, and let it be what it is?" <--- the answer is right there:) So what is it to you? At this stage how would you define it? Because you could be "curiously nutty about him - disproportionately so" (great description btw:) or even imagining yourself married to him, having kids by now! You are already disproportionately nutty about him (which is great!)- understand that it is you who is attaching expectations to the relationship. And there's nothing wrong with that except you want expectations in a positive way (like its all going to work out long term) -- better yet, why define it. It is what it is at this stage. Maybe we can use the same words you have in your question and give it a positive spin. You want to be in a 'feeling good' zone for this 3rd date:). Maybe some wordplay would help... I feel its not the degree of sexual involvement ("went further sexually than I intended") that's bothering you, it's the 6 weeks gap between the dates that's making you anxious. Ask yourself is the six week gap bothering you more because the 2nd date ended up with sexual involvement? Would you have felt the same if there was none? And if you carefully consider your own answer to 'What it is' (at this stage), you'd find that you would be feeling the same anxiety even if there was no sexual involvement. I mention sexual involvement issue only because you've mentioned it in your question and seems that it has some validity in your equation to him and the stage it is at. Now if you agree there are two separate issues - sexual involvement and six week gap- here's what I would do to let go: If I was in your position I would just drop the sexual involvement issue as it has been done. You can't do anything about it. Don't even feel guilty about it *even if things eventually don't work out - It just is that way now. Suppose you would have dropped him back home in your car after 2nd date and there was no hanky-panky, my guess is, you would have said in your question 'I even drove 2 hours to drop him off to his home and now its six weeks he hasn't called'. Maybe, right? So, I would make that little encounter sum zero, a non-issue. That way, I let that one go! With the six week gap issue (you do mention you feel hurt about this time gap) - I would think back. I would say 'well, 8-10 weeks ago, I didn't have a guy in my life. Now I have one with whom I have had 2 dates, a 3rd one is fixed' Even going as far as saying you had good time, it felt great. Saying 'Not only I met a guy but he made me feel 'curiously nutty' about him. Even disproportionately so:) -- this is a great feeling, let me just live this feeling.' How many people can say that about a partner? After 2 dates? Statistically not that many (and I am sure there is some statistics to that effect:). These days, I am waiting to feel even at least curious about whom I meet, so you already are doing well:) In fact, I sense so much positivity in your question it gave me goosebumps reading it:) You are in much higher level of excitement:) use it positively And here's the kicker -- whatever (God/Universe) got you till this stage (Because remember, way back, 8-10 weeks ago you were not at this current stage) will see to it that it will take you further (He already has called! For a 3rd Date!) and..and tell yourself even if it did not go the distance you had hoped, now you know it can be done again. Go with the flow without escalating expectations. Your total time investment = probably 90 days and I don't have to tell you, that's nothing! Your gain = A prince (or whatever you want to call him:) I always throw back time like that -days, weeks, years- to whatever stage I was worse off than today (or concerning an issue). It makes me feel having grown, things are happening for good mode. makes me feel I am better off now than then! I milk the nice times mentally:) and that helps me feel confident (regardless of time gap, I feel achievement) This word play is possible because I can see that there is more excitement to the wording of your question than anxiety. It just reads that way to me. So I feel no need to calm down, in fact, allow yourself to feel the 'excitement of possibilities'...let me repeat, 'excitement of possibilities' and not 'expectations of possibilities'. If you grasp this fine difference, you are gold for golden moments:) As for 'what it is'-- let it define itself in time. Relationship labels are overrated:) On a lighter note: I personally never label or define any of my issues (in terms of naming them), because to me my labeling would make it more LIMITING than it actually is...to me. it's always others who do that:) My mum actually worries because she says she never sees me worried about anything:)) Go figure! For me it is just is, whatever it is. I didn't know I am a non-worrier until pointed out...now if I start worrying about her worrying about.... Well, you get the point:) Apologies for the long answer and I don't know if this rambling helps but I hope it does. All the best:) At Xoomaville. Wow. Thank you so much for this response. You were not rambling at all. Thank you for reminding me of how happy I felt when I first met this man. He seemed so happy and excited too. As I've said above, I've become frightened because I cannot reconcile his initial excitement with the time past in between dates. I am surprised at how frightened it made me! But also an opportunity to be reminded of some of my core beliefs and blockages. And I am meditating for the 1st time in years.
(08 Jun '12, 08:46)
lyra
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Too bad men and women are so different in how they interpret and experience sex. One girl who is a friend of mine said that women get emotionally wrapped up in it...while to men it seems more of a body function like sneezing or a notch on a score card. If I was an alien study the earth's species called man...I would have to say "they're really funny about that sex thing." 1
I can only have sex with a girl if I'm deeply in love with her. Trust me, emotion rules over evolutionary style bodily functions.
(18 Aug '12, 10:56)
Nikulas
Or simply because you'd like things to matter and be part of the greater purpose.And one night stands has no part in that,because they rarely matter to anyone,that's why they're one night stands. I rather have good night sleep,than one night stand with a beautiful girl. Because the sleep contributes greatly into my own evolution and my pursuit of greatness.Whereas just sex doesn't give me anything, it's stagnant to my progress. And I like to not waste my time. For the journey of life is amazing.
(18 Aug '12, 13:48)
CalonLan
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You kept yourself waiting, it wasn't him. And just as well the questions what are you waiting for ? - Is then yours to answer.
In the end it all comes down to your own definition of love and what a relationship should look like. Maybe if you clarify what you are looking for, you would not be waiting for unknown to happen.
They say, in life you either play or get played. So take control of your life back.
I'll give you something practical to help you feel better now.Watch this video on EFT and apply the process in it, to your Situation.Will only take a few minutes.You should feel relief straightaway.This will help you to let go:)
http://mindbodybalancing.com/faster-eft-with-robert-smith-the-billion-dollar-technique
Here's another quick method that works well http://www.inwardquest.com/questions/52113/would-you-test-my-new-technique-for-everything
I hope I am responding to the right person. CalonLan, I do appreciate your view, so much. I understand and agree that the onus lies with me, and continue to try and see and feel this truth. However, the process of detachment, responsibility, observing one's emotions rather than thinking your emotions are you, etc, are challenging, and I can manage better some days than other days...thank you for the reminder.
Satori, thank you for the link! The tapping approach helps somewhat, but my level of fear is so high, that meditation seems necessary, and has been beneficial.
Thank you so far to all those who have left a perspective. I hope I have responded in the right boxes, although I suspect I haven't! Ah well. I really do appreciate the kindness and wisdom of strangers. Many of you have posted info that works as a handy and well needed reminder. I am just afraid of getting my hopes up and feeling pain as a result of expectation and attachment. I have always found detachment really challenging. However, this period of time has encouraged me to meditate and journal again, and has been a chance for me to realise that while I am a divine child of the Universe, fears and frailities are still here. Ah so, as they say in my country. And: breathe. The date is tomorrow! Any specific wisdom and feelings about detachment MUCH appreciated. Keep em coming, if you are so inclined.
@satori - I spent several hours last night, reading about mindfulness, and feeling the fear, bringing curiousity and acceptance to it, feeling it diminish and come up again. It is deep in my stomach, and not hard to identify once I am quiet. I threw up twice, it was so bad. But I agree this is such an opportunity to observe. I am trying :-) I am willing. I am scared! :-)
@lyra-your very brave to face your fear in the moment.
Think of it like this
Our Emotional "up-sets" in life are actually Universal "set-ups" giving us an opportunities to exorcise them so that they neither haunt our present nor infect our future.
From now on when you feel "upset" think "setup":)
Good luck, let us know how you get on:)
@Satori I just read bits of the Presence Process on Amazon. Whoa. That book is serious. Ordered it. Plan to begin mindfulness practice and continue meditation until I feel ready to open it. Thank you. Those who come offering hugs and books are especially beloved :-)