This is a tough one for me to share. Please bear with me if it's not very clear, I am giving it my best shot.

I have a recurring issue of sadness that comes up unbidden, unrelated to my circumstances. I have talked about it here, but I've never been able to understand what the heck it is. It is a knot in my middle that feels like it colors and permeates everything, and squeezes tears out of my eyes, even though I am generally happy and hopeful, and believe absolutely in everything I am doing to create the life I really want.

This is teaching me that for me, I have to know what the problem is in order to release it. No processes for clearing I have learned so far have kept this feeling from returning. I have tried focus blocks, asked why? asked for help of my higher self, and of the good people here, I have carefully allowed and even walked into the pain, so that I "resist nothing". I've asked the pain itself what it wants, what it is trying to tell me, but made no lasting progress on this one issue.

For the last week, it has been with me again, and I feel really spoiling my efforts to simply be happy and enjoy all of the fun of life, of exploring here, and learning from and along with all my new friends on IQ, and allowing the manifestations I look forward to, to flow easily into my experience.

Today, I had a very painful revelation. A breakthrough, you could say. I have been looking for the words for it and they are all inadequate, so I don't think this will sound like much to you unless you have been here, but it has ripped me up inside. I want to share it, because I think there may be others on this site who might be where I am and find it helpful. But believe me, this is as embarrassing as hell, and I am having a tough time getting it out. I feel so foolish.

I meditate daily to the Vortex guided meditations by Abraham-Hicks, and I love them. In each of the meditations, they say, "There is great love here for you". When I first started using the cd, this statement would make heavy tears roll down my face, but I didn't question it. Just figured it was a natural reaction of whatever kind. Lots of things started happening when I first started meditating again, and I learned to just let it be, not to judge or analyze.

Today I was doing the meditation, and realized that I'm still counting in my breathing: Breathe in: 1, 2, 3.... Breathe out: 4, 5, 6, 7, 8.... and I don't want to count.

So I just started saying in my mind, to the same beat: Breathe in: "There. Is. Great"..... Breathe out: "Love. Here. For. You. Grace."

I liked it, it's fun and it felt good. But when I finished the meditation, I starting crying uncontrollably. I just held my face and sobbed painfully. I realized, I finally got it. My problem is so simple, it seems ridiculous: I feel totally unloved.

Not much of a revelation, I know. But it is to me. I know intellectually that I must be loved, I really do, but I do not feel it.

I think I got the first clue when I wrote an answer here about being a success in my own eyes. I mentioned that part of that would be "did I say I love you today, did I hear it?". It occurred to me after I posted that, that I have not heard "I love you" in many years. That's ok, I'm not saying that's a huge deal, but I just didn't realize it until now. That probably opened my mind to some other things.

Now I finally understand why an intimate relationship is so important to me. I know, it's obvious to you, but it wasn't to me.

Most of all, I finally understand that it is the very shame of having that desire that is blocking it from me.

I am ashamed that I need love. I am ashamed that I have none. I am ashamed that no one loves me. I can see clearly now that it is my hidden belief that good, worthy, lovable people ARE loved. I am not loved, so I must be very, very bad. Unworthy, unlovable. Sub-standard. Undeserving. A waste of space.

Please let me reiterate, I do understand intellectually that I must be wrong in feeling this, but in my heart, I had other beliefs that I was not aware of.

It feels amazing to let this go. I can't tell where it will lead me, this is day one. I feel very, very raw and totally exposed right now.

Jai, your posting this morning is just.... flippin amazing. Thank you for that. You have given me the opportunity to let this all out. It is making me feel better, though it is scary. I really hope someone who needs to see this will be helped too.

Some of the pictures in my locket :)

**Warning: I added this warning after I finished writing the whole thing.

I have deleted this twice. I don’t know why, but here it is now. As I got tired of writing it, it may not feel completely satisfying. It's not tied up nicely and little scattered.

This turned out to be the most difficult sharing experience and it shall remain just that, but did I live that experience again:)

• There are some controversial observations, so understand that it is my understanding/opinion and is used here in THEORY to describe something not easy for me to describe.

• Warning within the warning: The source of theology I have used is this:http://www.theosociety.org/pasadena/sd/sd-hp.htm#pt1

I do not recommend/not recommend reading it, do not either condone or condemn it, it's theology..but should you start reading it, know that if you go on that site and get hooked to reading it....it is massive...its complex but its absolutely fascinating. It took me two years to read it. Most of it is not even retained in my mind.

• I am not pretending to know all I am about to say, I understand most of it, but it is difficult for me to describe it.

• Not all of the following is positive, uplifting and in fact, some of it is very bleak, questioning some traditional mindsets. If that's something that's going to bother you, please, sincerely do not read any of it.

• It's sort of an argument with myself the way it has turned out, some of you may not like any of it at-all and that's okay. Comments of either kinds are welcome:)

• The reason I deleted this twice is that some things are thematically very evolved. I am sure its not something you haven't heard of, still i thought maybe this is not the place. I ultimately thought of posting it with these warnings. And I hope it makes some sense to somebody:)

• Here, you, we, me, us are all same and that includes me!

• There are indirect answers in there related to the thread although I start from way before the set-up...so its long.

• Lastly, the writing changes from first person to third person account, excuse that, will edit some other time, but indulge me:)

• I feel this warning maybe unnecessary but here it is:)

So, who am I? I don't know yet, but I do know who and what all I am not! That's a relief to say the least. That also brings clarity, some would say maturity. Maturity of soul.

I took lots of time to think before writing this as this hits a spot in me, a nerve in me that is very well guarded from any and everyone outside of me. Something, like most on this thread, I have not discussed before. It is difficult to go to places within me and draw out those experiences.

I also know this is not about me, but to explain what I want to say, I can only use my own experiences and hope that it throws some light on this very blessed junction of re-invention at which some people find themselves at.

@Grace, I hope you find some insight in what follows as well:)

I have re-invented myself twice now. First time was when I came to U.S. to study. I was 20, very green, first time travelling to and living in another country. And I was not in some back-office environment, I was working in the entertainment industry in Hollywood. I had to adapt and learn very quickly as I was in a culturally relevant work space. What I re-invented myself into is not important, what is important is that, although this re-invention sounds very topical, it was a major reboot for myself! And it was setting me up for my 2nd re-invention which would be life-altering.

Second time was when I battled alcohol abuse. I was alone, coming off a high of lots of achievements and still unhappy!I was in a very dark, weird and vulnerable place. Anyone I talked to about this substance abuse could not understand why I would be unhappy. From their point of view, I was/had everything anyone could ask for. I was living a dream. Their dream maybe, is what I thought. I had wanted this, but then I could not ascertain why I was so unhappy! To this day, I do not know the whole 'why me' of it. On top of that there was shame, feeling of isolation, guilt, crapping on the one-in-a-million opportunity feeling (not, not getting it. Getting it but ruining it, feeling unhappy about it) and other you-name-the-worst-feelings about myself.

I had nowhere to go BUT deep within myself. What I found was not the optimist, always-make-people-laugh, full of life and ambitious kid, but something rotten, disgusting and fatalistic. There was not a shred of love there. Sure, on my lips, there was talks of love of all kinds, there were women around, but there was this massive emptiness within. (its important to note that until this point I would pooh-pooh all this talk of 'emptiness within')

Keep in mind, first time I HAD to (as I saw it then), second time, I wanted to...

I talked at length how I brought myself (yes, without help) out of that hell-hole here: http://www.inwardquest.com/questions/52190/how-to-fight-negative-feeling-that-comes-in-the-beginning/52191 (if you are going to read, I would suggest you read the entire thread there)

Why would I tell you these sad stories? I am coming to that:) Since then, I have lived and worked in three continents, and nowhere (not even in the country I was born in) do I feel that I belong! Even now, as I write this, I don't think I belong here! By here, I mean amongst human beings!

Lots and lots of people feel this way. I mean, they feel they just don't belong in here and in the now (the examples from my life shows, its not the place, circumstances or different people that make you feel this way, it's the feeling deep inside)

I know that's a sweeping statement, but, here's what I feel and lots of us do, but I am going to say it in a different way:

The moment I was born and realized there are going to be other human beings the compromise started:)

All our problems are related to other beings or so we perceive:)

Okay, that's a narcissistic statement if there was one, but then what to do? You can either OFF all of others or you can OFF yourself. That's not possible, not advisable!

And no, I do not hate the mankind:) In fact, I love them all, equally. I am getting to that part...

So, one has to live amongst other human beings. And here's what I am coming at: Out of 6 Billion or so people, each one of us comes across only handful (in ratio with 6 billion) of them in our lifetime.

These handful of people are handpicked (so to speak) to come into our lives to help us recognize who we are! They come into my life to remind me of who I am! And who I am not!

...And they'll keep coming and you'll keep discovering who you are and who you are not, but you will never be able to say: This is what I am! It'll keep changing, in every moment you may know who you truly are, but that will change, by your choice. You'll choose to be something else, again.

You've been on this discovery journey for several births and lifetimes! In all instances you knew/know who you are and yet, you'll choose to again be someone/thing else...

And that's the beauty of it. That is THE THING! How many of us really utilize this? How many of us really, really milk it?

So, what to do? What is this whole thing about then? Why would the Universe/Source/God put us in such an experiment? Why does it sound like touching the nose from around the head instead of just touching it straight forward? How to find out?

I don't know, but I do know how you can get close to feeling that you know! And maybe that's as good as its supposed to get!

Here's how I realize it...

You'll have to step outside of yourself to see what is inside of you! Re-invent!

You'll have to be a brutal editor of your own life. You'll have to shake off lots of belief's, understandings and values. And then some. You'll have to face your fears. I am not talking a make-over, I am not talking a re-build, I am talking a re-invent!

You'll have to drop lots of words and how you understand their meanings from your psyche! Am not talking reboot, I am talking wiping the hard drive clean!

It's not easy. Nobody likes to change! Yes, we all say we want to, we say we can, we try, we are trying but to actually change into a new system is very difficult. We see it as a defeat, as a rejection, as an anomaly. This is all the more difficult as we see others who don't have to change. Or it seems that way to us.

We want to belong and be unique at the same time. We want to be accepted in a crowd and be able to stand apart at the same time. We want to let go while holding on. We want to fly but with a safety net under us (we don't say it, but we know want this net)

We do it all the time, if not the house that we are tearing down, we are doing it to a room, or to a closet or to a drawer, to a desk, to a wallet. We may not vehemently announce that that's what we are gonna do, tear it all down and rebuild but we are!

And sometimes we do vehemently announce and do the over-haul and that is what I recommend.

Changes in me via re-inventions have been so drastic that I am honestly living a third life:)

We do this because we are afraid of failing. It's the way something, someone, maybe God/Universe/Source nudges us to find, to recognize again who we truly are (in that NOW).

When we are fearful, we see this feeling of fear! Fear of unknown!

In eyes of others or more importantly in our own eyes..We want some semblance of grasp or control...But, its not as clear as choosing a pair of jeans over another. Sometimes we pick-up stuff along the way, mostly emotional stuff.

This emotional stuff serves its purpose for that NOW, but it doesn't leave you. It's not as easy as discarding a pair of jeans. Unknowingly, we carry that with us...

We think we shook off everything entirely for a new re-invent, but really we are like a dog who is trying to shake off water from its body...

But its not possible to shake off the whole thing. The dog is still wet. The thing is, the dog sees so much water has been shaken off that it doesn't realize that the residual water is still on him...

Refreshed, the dog goes to some other place for newer experiences...what he doesn't realize is...

WHEREVER YOU GO, THERE YOU ARE!

All feeling new, he is ready for whatever but doesn't connect that by virtue of getting hosed down, now wet, he has already picked up dirt, dust on himself. By the time he spends some time at this new experience, he'll start feeling its time for hose-down again.

And that's how it goes.

We came into this human experience with some dirt, some dust and some clean water on ourselves. In this birth. In this lifetime. Each one of us. No exception! We will clean, rebuild, reinvent, reboot or whatever you want to call it and yet again, the stone will start rolling gathering the moss:)

The search is the destination, the journey is the search, the destination is not final! The change if it happens is minuscule in the whole scheme of things. Doesn't mean its not important to the whole, but it is minuscule...

But see it from outside, far-far outside of yourself and you'll see how minuscule it is. Especially now that it has no business existing in this current NOW...

...yes, you'll have to see inwards from that far out!

According to the theology link above, we are in the FIRST BREATH of the Universe. Imagine the magnitude of that, if the Universe has inhaled (which it has now) it hasn't exhaled yet! And THAT'S IT'S FIRST BREATH! (Hence, the 'Eternal Now')

So? How does that translate to you and me and our daily lives?

This is how I have internalized all of that information. This may be Bull***t to you and that's okay. For longtime it didn't work from me either, until it did.

I often go that far out in my mind to solve the smallest of the problems/issues/whatever in my conceited life:)

By doing this, I am able to drop all the vocab and feelings behind words like shame, love, money, loneliness, successes, failures, you-name-it.

Whenever I am feeling unworthy of anything, actually I just realized I have never felt unworthy of anything that I remember (maybe, I should look into it:)), lets say, whenever I feel uneasy over anything, I go that far out and then...

..nothing matters! Literally! Nothing! It's not even detachment, I don't even care for that word! I think, its difficult to describe in any language. The best I can describe it is..

Is just is!

Whatever it is! And I mean all encompassing 'whatever it is', life and death inclusive!

I personally, honestly think that I do not know what I want, need, should have, shouldn't have, feel, feel-not. I have felt love, I am in love with someone as of writing of this, and they love me. But then what? It doesn't do anything beyond. What am I supposed to do with this love? Nothing gives me any satisfaction, nothing gives me any closure, nothing seems like I have arrived. Nothing feels like I am going anywhere, nothing, nothing.

And here's the best part: I like it like that! I am content with that! (Like, content - closest words in the language I can describe)

Yes, I know its easy for me to talk about love when I 'supposedly' have it in my life but truly, what do we understand about love?

It's one of the most over-rated, most misunderstood, most abused word. By love, do we mean we need someone to hold, caress, someone who cares for us, unconditional, stand-by-me-types, what about motherly love?

Yes, yes, all of that! I know, but really, that's all? Is that all?

Is that the gift we all are seeking? Is that what we have come to in last million (or however long it has been) years? That's evolution?

I can argue against that each type of love and why we really don't need it. For example, I get each and every type of love, I have always gotten it, but not from a single person. For example, I can have intimacy/sex with one, cuddle with another, have one who will care for me...etc..have a friend who will stand by me...etc.

Oh, but that's anarchy! That's nihilistic, that's how animals live! That's not who we are, we are civilized race!

True, and I agree...

...but that's not what love is...all those things can be experienced from 'others' or 'other things' or from 'outside', from a single source or from multiple ones.

We know this, we have just forgotten it. Sustaining in 45, 55, 70 years of marriage is some parts love but it's more of a commitment. Not the kind of love we are seeking!

What's love gotta do with it? It's a need based requirement. It's a confusing sentiment. it's a propaganda seekiness. We are all in the same boat. We are all seeking it.

I have, on this very site, said that love solves everything, but if you break it down, really, brutally, It's all to give you some peace of mind.

If you look from outside, you'll see that what we call 'love' is a selfish support system for ourselves. So we don't grow old alone. So we are not alone. Love stops arguments, altercations, wars, brawls, falling-outs, divorces, killings and bigger catastrophes...

...is that not good? Not good enough? Of course it is, it is great. Yes it is, but in a 'medicine' kind of way. We want it because it solves our problems:)

If only everyone loved themselves truly all our physical World problems would be solved. Cliched, but true and now I know where that comes from.

I am not above it, in fact, I find myself seeking that kind of love, but I realize, what actually I am seeking is...

A witness to my life!

Think about it. We are inherently afraid of being alone. What if no one knows our pains, sufferings, achievements and lows and defeats?

In case of an calamity, say an earthquake, we find solace in someone. We hold them. We are glad that we are not alone. Why? What are they going to do against earthquake? We humans just have to share everything with everyone! If not everyone, then with at least someone!

Everyone gets to do it! It seems unfair if we don't get to!

A more evolved approach would be...

...that we simply want witness to our lives, otherwise... We wouldn't exist! Even I am afraid of this! But, this is what we think, spiritually its NOT true!

I think spiritually that's the last layer one needs to unravel!

Because we have forgotten that we have always had all the 'love' which we need even before we came into this lifetime!

...because it cannot be from outside. For most people, maybe after certain age, a pastry would give them more satisfaction than 'love'. **I used to love someone who loved me as well, now I am no longer together with her. I have no emotions towards her! None! I don't know about her, but I am going on with my life just fine!

Is that the love we are seeking? At the time yes it did feel like it! ** It cannot come from outside, the love we are seeking!

For example, Liz Taylor married 7-8 times, who's to say she didn't love each and everyone of them equally, or none of them or if her love was not as kosher! Those are the ones she married, maybe she loved more, many more of them. Who's to say that was wrong? Who's to say what she deserved or not. In fact, it seems like a very fulfilling life, marriages et all.

The problem I think is that we seek it, but we are not really seeking it, we are just trying to recognize it. Within ourselves.

We just need to discover our love within ourselves. For above pastry example, however difficult it is and it is difficult, if I just accept (finally) that I enjoy a pastry more than love/sex/hug...I am scott free!:)) This is who I am! Yeah, its not profound as we human's think it should be! But it is the truth! A secret truth:)

The problem is as soon as I realize this, because I have forgotten to trust myself, I immediately want to share it, tell it to someone, maybe ask someone 'is something wrong with that?' and that's where you start going away from the 'love'...every time you'll mention it, it takes you away from that love with which you were born. Because everytime, the story will change slightly depending on who you are telling it to. (see, those humans again. If only I was the only one on this planet there won't be any questioning it or justifying it. Most, likely I'd just go 'hmmm, interesting...weird, but interesting:)

If you just leave it alone...because..

It just is...there won't be any need/want/desire to even define it.

Now, if everything is just as is...it doesn't matter what I do/desire/get. It's all a game (as I understand it)

So I say, F***K it, lets play.

I walk and sleep my way like this (observing from way up) on the days when I am consciously aware of it. But, this is ingrained in my brain since my last re-invent:) so its still in the play, just in various degrees at other times.

I have been up, down, sideways, forward, backwards, in circles...I am talking about my experiences here...and it's all the same. The most beautiful women's breath stunk in the morning, the most undesirable woman has given me a lifetime of warmth with a brief hug. I sucked at what I thought I should be best at and others have MOST appreciated me when I have done something for no reason apart from being utterly, arrogantly SELFISH! Why try to figure it out? Because next moment it's gonna change, because I'll choose it to!

I go back to that far away place (visually its something like in AVATAR, a huge beautiful flying bird who takes me up, up, up, right from my balcony) most of the time. Not always, not every minute, but most of the time I am there subconsciously.

Here's the warning though: Most others feel I am hopeless, purposeless, drifting, boring, passionless and non-participating (didn't I tell you, it's not me, it's the others--entire homo sapiens- who make me compromise?:)) and so, I ask myself, what do you want to be today?

And I choose to show love, affection, kindness, all the goody-goody stuff. I do not even seek reciprocation. I do not crave anything. I know it sounds harsh and depressing, but I don't. It doesn't do anything for me. Good or bad!

You can say I am selfish (as the definition of the word suggests)! Maybe in a spiritual sense I am but in physical sense, I am most likely the most un-selfish person you'd like to know.

And that's because, physically, I do not care what I do (hence, might as well do something 'perceived good' for others)! There is no angle of charity, social work, and neither is there any angle of self gain, of repute or of any version of myself highlighted. Whatever way it turns, it turns.

So, in the closing...

I am an 'Emperor in new clothing' going to the best bakery (me again) in town, selecting the best cake (still me), nicely packaged in a box (still me) with a fancy ribbon (me again), unraveling it all, eating it (Me) piece by piece (me, me) until its gone. Then I walk out with the experience and that's all there is to it.

Yep, like peeling an onion layer after layer..till..there's nothing. Nothing, but another onion:)

Likewise, I go to many bakeries, shops, parks, beaches, countries, continents and somewhere, I radio that experience back to the ME far far away...

and that ME radio's it further to HIM/Universe/Source.

I have lived like this time and again (not all the time) and it's absolutely wonderful. There is utmost fearlessness and feeling of liberation. Like you 'can't go wrong, ever' types.

I just lived this amazing experience of looking at myself from far above while writing this:) I don't want to come down, but this feeling will last a long time, I want to enjoy it in my physical self as well, maybe it's pastry time:))!

And that's all there is to it, as I understand it from...when I look at it from far far far away...I am just a blip in the Universe...

....A blip with free-will and an ability to look at myself as just a blip and feel good about it:)

What a question Jaianniah,it was something that I feel at times too.

Grace,I was in tears reading your answers for it related to me every bit.Just wanted to know how did u manage to overcome these(Which are my feelings too...)

"Most of all, I finally understand that it is the very shame of having that desire that is blocking it from me. I am ashamed that I need love. I am ashamed that I have none. I am ashamed that no one loves me. I can see clearly now that it is my hidden belief that good, worthy, lovable people ARE loved. I am not loved, so I must be very, very bad. Unworthy, unlovable. Sub-standard. Undeserving. A waste of space."