Jai:

Thanks for sharing your experience. I too had an abusive mother but after some recent research I discovered that my mother is extremely passive aggressive, which is basically something that requires a lot of therapy to overcome. The problem, of course, is that passive aggressive people rarely, if ever, acknowledge that they have a problem. Nearly 100% of the time it's always someone else who has the problem, and nearly 100% of the time it's the passive aggressive person who caused the problem in the first place...usually deliberately. A passive aggressive person is always right, despises being scrutinized, and uses psychological projection a lot to deflect guilt away from them. They also loathe competition, and will try everything to keep those around them from succeeding. They will withhold vital information from you, or do something else behind your back to cause you fail or suffer, and then ridicule you because you have failed. They are probably the most negative people you will meet, very stubborn, they will procrastinate with everything, particularly if it's something that is important to you, and they are very selfish people (them first, you second...always...unless others are around to witness what is going on). They usually punish you by forgetting what is important to you, or through their trademark "silent treatment". If someone points out their bad behavior then suddenly they are the victim...and it's someone else's fault. If they're cornered they can also get very angry, and use projection to try and turn the tables on you. As a parent they can also be physically abusive, especially when one of their children is demonstrating an ability of which the parent is, or ever has been, incapable of doing themselves. So it is quite understandable why a child might be a confused victim in these circumstances.

You can sort of see though that if one is armed with this information just how easily one could deal with such a person. My younger brother learned his passive aggressive behavior from my mother, and I can read him like the proverbial book, so I have now learned how to cope with this personality type. However, a child rarely has access to this.

The only advice I ever got (and I now wish someone had steered me toward therapy when I was much younger) was to sever ties with my parents, forgive them, and simply move on and learn how to recover on my own while distancing myself from their abuse. This did work for me, but it took quite a few years to master. The Law of Attraction was a good start.

Contrary to what most people have been raised to believe, particularly in western culture, when a child is (or has been) abused by a parent, the law of honoring one's mother and/or father is suspended. So I took that advice, and just stopped calling one day...and I have not called her since. My father passed away in 2004. I visited my mom right after my dad died (with my then wife), but nothing had changed, which is how one is supposed to deal with such a person...sever ties, but check in on them once in a while to see if they have learned anything. No one is ever required to subject themselves to any form of abuse; we are all responsible for taking action ourselves to resolve any negative situation.

I have now learned that when parents abuse their own children there is a significant breach of trust and the abuser consequently forfeits any entitlement that is traditionally afforded to non-abusive parents. So my guilt was cured from that day on, and I have never looked back. Of course, learning that my mother has a severe psychological condition also helped me learn that nothing was my fault when growing up...I now know that I was definitely the target and the victim.

Similarly, acceptance of abuse, by victims or non-committal bystanders, whether the abuse is physical, sexual, emotional, or psychological, also does nothing to serve any higher purpose. In fact, acceptance of abuse communicates that abusers, in particular parental abusers, have rights that victims do not have, which in effect is the epitome of bullying and abuse. From my perspective I found this to be a good lesson to learn, so I simply stopped accepting, and in the process stopped being the victim, which is the message that severing ties conveys.

The abused can choose to react in a number of different ways, but it is always up to the abuser to correct their behavior and to seek reconciliation and forgiveness; never the other way around. When the abused "forgives" it is solely for their own well-being, so that they can move on in life without the continual thought of revenge or resentment, which only serves to destroy one's self-esteem and self-confidence, and to prolong victimization.

As long as the proverbial door is left open it is then up to the abuser to open it, communicate, and to seek forgiveness. Failure to adhere to this one rule will only reinforce the abuser's actions, and validate their behavior, which will then only serve the abuser, and allow their abuse to continue. I have always left the door open...if my mother ever chooses to call I will answer the phone or door. I think the lesson here is what I learned from LOA...avoid surrounding yourself with negative people and leave negative situations as quickly as possible. This I achieved.

I eventually found solace, peace, and read a lot of self-help literature...which really did help, but it would have been much better had someone told me 35 years ago that none of this was my fault...although I can most certainly see that now. Rarely did I find anyone who would believe the horrible things my mom did to us kids emotionally, psychologically, and physically, which is what makes that type of abuse so heinous. Most people cannot fathom or understand that type of abuse because it is something so foreign to them. But to be fair on others I have also met many people who suffered a lot worse than me. My ex-wife did learn the hard way just how evil my mom could be so at least I know someone who "understands", but it was still the self-help literature I found that got me through that part of my life. I am most grateful for the Internet :-). Had the Internet been around when I was younger I'm sure sites like this one would have helped a lot too.

So my question to you is, did you sever ties with your parents, and wait for your mother to call, or did you continue to be in her presence all your life? Did you ever consider that your mother might have also suffered from a psychological disorder or condition? How did you initially "get away"? Or did you only manage to find peace and harmony when you found the right person with whom you could relate?

Thanks