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My son is almost three years old now. I wanted this child and I looked forward to being a mother and to care good care of him. But as hard as it sounds, I don't like the mother role at all. In fact, I suffer very much. It's not that I don't love my son, I do love him and I only want his best. Being a mother is just not for me, I guess. There are so many things that disturb me in my day-to-day life. There's so much constriction, so much heteronomy, so much noise, I can't take it. Of course I knew that my life will change a lot with a child, but I'd never thought that I would ever regret having my son. Since having a child, I've realized a lot of things that I didn't know about me before. I am very introverted, I need a lot of quietness during the day. I love to be on my own. I need it, it's my tropical island where I can recover. I don't get that enough when I'm with my son. I feel like I'm being suffocated. I absolutely adore my freedom and it drives me mad when I am ruled by someone else all day and every day. This is the worst. I really drives me mad and there is so much frustration at the end of the day. Of course I guide my negative thoughts to a better feeling place, but there will be a moment where everything is too much and I'll get so angry, it's frightening me. There is also a lot of guilt because "I'm not supposed to feel like that as a mother" and because I'm kind of angry with myself because I got myself in so much trouble. It's like my own "fault". There are so many days where I just beg the universe to give me my freedom back and the life that I've had before. When I'm in the vortex, it doesn't bother me as much, but it still bothers me enough every few days that I just had to come here and ask for advice. How do I cope with this? *EDIT August 24th 2016*: It's been eight months since I asked that question and a lot of things have changed for the better, no, better said, everything has changed. I don't regret motherhood anymore, not one single bit. I enjoy my son now thoroughly and I love being his mother. I always loved him, but there was a sadness and a difficulty about being a mother I couldn't shake off. What happened? I guess there were two major things that happened. I consciously begged the universe to make me enjoy motherhood. I truly desired it. The first major thing was that I developed my femininity strongly. I fully accepted myself as a woman and began to love and accept all the characteristics that comes from it (sensitivity, desire to look beautiful, being emotional rather than logical, being soft rather than hard, clothing, etc.) I fully accepted these things as something good, not as something "weak" (like I did before). A part of me didn't accept myself as a woman, I had problems with that role. A book that has helped me tremendously was "Fascinating Womanhood" by Helen Andelin. I love that book. There is a chapter about the importance of raising children and providing a lovely home for them. I have never before looked at it like that. I also give myself credit for being a mother and a housewife. When I asked that question I almost felt "ashamed" of being "only" a housewife and mother, I felt like I had to do more. To work outside home. I didn't realize that I was doing the most important job ever already :) Now, when the day is long and hard, I tell myself: "Motherhood is the most noble and important work there is" and I cope with the difficulties that a demanding child brings so much better. But the truth is, those difficulties are hardly here anymore :) The second thing I did and still do every day is taking good care of my alignment and listening to my emotions. I guess I am more in alignment now than before, so my days don't stress me out anymore like they used to. I really learned to accept and love myself in a way I have not done before. And maybe my son mirrors that back. He is so much more in peace, he's like a changed kid! :) This makes me so happy. Maybe it also because he is now almost four years old and not a toddler anymore, but he is definitely not that demanding anymore. I would have never believed that he could change like this. I could write a lot more about my journey but I wanted to show others who may be in similar situation, that it really is possible to enjoy motherhood and being a woman. The most amazing thing is, that I even want to have more children! I truly thought it would be the worst thing that could happen to me, but now I almost can't wait to have a baby again :)
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I have been there. I feel better now - not 100%, but dramatic improvement over days when I just thought "How does anyone bear this, let alone "enjoy" it?" I think there's a huge amount of pressure on women to perform a soft-focus, glowing, sentimental version of motherhood. It goes very much to the core of who women are in many cultures to be a "good mother" and so very much against the grain to admit that you just don't like it, that it isn't fulfilling. Plus women are trained to pretend to enjoy martyring themselves for others. (Nobody actually enjoys that, IMO, you've just been rewired to sort of enjoy the pain and the self-sacrifice because it makes others look at you benevolently.) So it's a great, complex piece of resistance. That's what I think: it's a form of resistance, of being un-free, that is very effective if you are an eternal being who chose to come here and experience lack of freedom so you could regain the feeling of freedom out of that contrast. Be a freedom-seeking being. Be born female. Become a mother. Experience unfreedom. Desire more freedom. Find it. That's expansion, that's what you (and me, and all of us) came here to do. It isn't a glitch, it's the ride we want! So the first thing I think is important is to not get involved with other peoples' narratives over whether or not you're allowed to feel this way. Don't tell people if they don't get it. Just smile and leave the room. Women really get policed about their "negative" emotions, which I think is also a great piece of contrast, because it's those very negative emotions that you NEED TO EXPERIENCE FULLY to get out of the pit of unfreedom. (I think women get stuck cycling up to anger and then getting shoved back down really effectively on topics related to motherhood. But it's the anger you need to be willing to feel to get out of the pit.) So, first, leave other people out of it. Who cares. You are having the experience you're having, you don't need their permission to feel how you already feel. Second, get really real with yourself about how you feel. Sounds like you're there. GOOD. You don't like being a mom. It feels trapping, it feels stifling, you don't feel free. Maybe write about that for a while. More than just one time, you might write freely/blindly (without a plan or editing) about this every day for a week or longer. I did this and it shifted me. I don't think normally LOA people recommend focusing on where you are if where you are is "negative", but for myself, I think a lot of us are lying about where we are and then doing fake LOA work that is nowhere near our actual vibration and so doesn't help at all. So getting super real about where we actually are, how we actually feel about a topic, can sometimes be the first step. You can shred or burn these pages after writing them. Nobody ever has to see them. It will never hurt your child. I think it's more about just really admitting where you are, in itself that is sometimes aligning, you drop some resistance, you stop the effort of faking that you like it more than you like it. Third, after you let out enough steam to experience that relief of "Oh God, I don't have to lie about it to myself anymore" feeling, maybe just hold the idea that this can change. Your reality is a reflection of your vibration. It is changing all of the time. It's been "the same" for a long time because your resistance has been strong, which is natural - who likes feeling unfree? Nobody! Of course you resisted! Normal, natural, good. It's okay to be where you are. But where you are isn't fixed, it's totally fluid. Consider that you don't have all possible pieces of information about motherhood. Consider that there are other women like you, who feel the same way, who have managed to find a way to be free within motherhood. Don't look for answers, don't take action, don't fall into the brain trap of trying to come up with a solution. You can't find a solution while you're still noticing the problem. It's okay. It'll come. Just consider the possibility of there being a new way, of relief, of happiness. 1
You have no idea how much relief I have found in your answer, @corduroypower. I especially enjoyed that line: "...over days when I just thought "How does anyone bear this, let alone "enjoy" it?" It felt so good to read that because that's exactly what I use to think when I'd rather pack my suitcase and never come back :) Thank you so much. Do you know the feeling of being angry with yourself because you had your child on purpose?
(03 Dec '15, 13:11)
spacemetalfantasy
Glad it was recognizable to you! I know the feeling of deep loneliness when you feel like you're the only one, and when you admit how you feel, people suggest that you only feel that way because maybe you have PPD or whatever. Not that some people don't, but honestly, I don't think that ALL women who struggle with parenthood have PPD. Some people just... struggle with parenthood. I personally did not actually intend to get pregnant, so I don't have that particular anger. 1/2
(03 Dec '15, 17:40)
corduroypower
But I certainly had other things I felt (suppressed) anger about, like "Why did I let myself get talked into marriage and motherhood when I knew it was a bad idea?" so probably ultimately pretty similar. For me it was really key to admit fully just how much I felt those feelings I had let myself get talked out of acknowledging. THEN I could move. Before I could admit where I was, it was just more of the same over and over. I know you can feel better, @spacemetalfantasy - I believe in you. 2/2
(03 Dec '15, 17:42)
corduroypower
Hey, I also felt an impulse to mention to you, are you familiar with RIE? It's a way of thinking about interacting with babies and children pioneered by Magda Gerber. It's VERY LOA, I think. It assumes that babies are whole people, they don't need to be fixed or molded. It encourages the parent to "do nothing" and let the child explore and experience. You might do some googling. Some of the people who write about it are still trapped in sentimental motherhood paradigms, 1/2
(03 Dec '15, 17:45)
corduroypower
But some tap into how radical and freeing it is. It's a very different way of being. Many moms believe that they need to be constantly involved with their kid, and I had trained myself and my kid to believe that. At a certain point I just COULD NOT, so I stopped. I knew that my kid had resources and that being expected to entertain yourself for 15 minutes is not unloving. We grew into a new relationship together that is so much more fulfilling for both of us. Anyway, RIE, check it out. 2/2
(03 Dec '15, 17:48)
corduroypower
Thank you very much, @curdoroypower, for your story, your support and your kind words. It's so good to connect with someone who feels/felt the same way. No, I'm not familiar with RIE, but I will check it out, it sounds interesting.
(04 Dec '15, 14:35)
spacemetalfantasy
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Perhaps try to consider the 'story' you are telling yourself about what having a child means to you.... "that you regret being a mother....it limits your freedom.... etc" and realise this is not the whole truth .. just a story... when these thoughts start to show up... just remind yourself that this is just a story... it is just what you have come to believe about the situation.... thank your mind for telling it's story each time and move on... |
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Thank you for sharing your experience. This is the side of motherhood that is so far outside the cultural expectation that, even though we try to talk about it, even try to warn other moms about it, the information doesn't "stick" because we have no place in our story to put it. The other answers to your question here are very good. I don't have anything to add, but wanted to add my presence to those who witness your pain - while at the same time - knowing you to be in a sacred process of Becoming, as is your son. When we decide to be parents we create the experience of not being able to escape the pressure of expansion. Our deepest fears, our most limiting cherished beliefs, and our most pressing needs are triggered every single day. It feels ** but is in alignment with our highest intentions for expansion. It helps tremendously to avoid piling on layers of self-judgment!!! Here's a blog post I read recently that you might relate to: http://www.renegademothering.com/2013/02/09/i-became-a-mother-and-died-to-live/ Much love to you and your son. @imaginesue, thank you for your answer and comfort. The blog post is amazing. And yes, it's so easy to judge yourself when you're not "functioning to way you should". Much love to you, too.
(04 Dec '15, 15:02)
spacemetalfantasy
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Yeah, I've been there. My son is now grown, and perhaps my perspective may help you. When I was pregnant, I read these wise words in one of the books I was reading about parenting (paraphrased from memory): "Parents who don't sometimes feel fed up with it all are just fooling themselves...They will take everything you have to give and ask for more. But it's all worth it. It's worth it." Somehow, that repeated sentence, "It's worth it," made a big impression on me. I felt the truth of it, and in my experience/opinion, the author is right. As a fellow introvert needing a lot of quiet/alone time, I would advise you to train your son to understand your needs. He's not going to catch on right away or always remember, but you have to let him know you, just as you have to get to know him. You need time apart, and you need bonding time. The trick is to find the balance. My son learned that when Mommy was doing the Yoga headstand, not to bother her. Just those few minutes of coming into alignment and of deep breathing could make a big difference in my mood and ability to cope. You have taken on this job, the most important job you will ever have. Find ways to make it fun and interesting at least some of the time. I highly recommend reading to him and enjoying all the great children's books together. This is the single most important thing you can do to promote his literacy and imagination. It certainly paid off with my son, who is quite the idea person both in his art and writing. Get to know, really know your son! You may think this is a natural outcome of raising him, but there is always more to learn. I had my son's astrological chart done, also his numerology and Destiny Cards (see 7thunders.com). Understanding your child's character and tendencies makes the job a lot more interesting. The first five years are the most overwhelming. He will be in school soon enough, and as time goes on you will have more and more time and space for yourself. Now that you know of the challenges, I think you would do well to decide on no more children, as I did. But again, I wholeheartedly agree with that quote: it's worth it.
And then some. :) |
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I agree with Inner Beauty. See your doctor or psychiatrist! Something else you might find beneficial is doing some inner child work. A great video series: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UmXGV65fRfs Take care, Luke |
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dear @spacemetalfantasy - my answer may not be liked by others on IQ.... But do you think you might have post-natal depression? So you are maybe thinking these thoughts because they are clouded by depression.... I do think it's good to see a doctor/psychologist and speak to them about how you are feeling both to protect yourself and your son. The answer may still lie in how you change your thinking and not necessarily medication, but talking to someone qualified about it might be good.
Dear @Inner Beauty, thank you for your comment and concern. When my son was younger, I thought about this too and have visited a doctor but I have found out that I'm not depressed in general, depression just comes when I'm with my son and feel so limited and imprisoned. In the evening, when he's in bed or when I have a day off, I feel better immediately.
It may be just a stage @spacemetalfantasy. When he gets a little older you may find him a wonderful companion. I do still feel that seeking outside help with how to manage how you feel when you are with him might be a good thing and worth considering....