I have been doing a lot of work on myself since breaking up with my boyfriend recently, and am 100% convinced of the LOA premise that raising your vibrations and being in a good place puts you in the best position for helping others.

My ex, with whom I've been spending a lot of time recently (and will admit that our current situation is a bit blurred) says he is very happy to see me so much happier, but he thinks I'm being selfish because I'm 'only thinking about what will make ME happy'. He, like everyone else I know, is not aware there's a different way to think and I am certainly not about to start trying to explain (beyond the bare bones) about the LOA. (He's very cynical and a black and white sort of person.)

I'm torn between 'knowing' that doing the best thing for me is the best thing for everyone, and wondering if he is right and I'm going too far in the other direction?

Maybe I am being selfish by suiting myself all the time? I wouldn't make a choice that would deliberately hurt someone else and I wonder if it's just that he doesn't like me doing things that sometimes aren't what he would want me to do? How do I know?

For example since my post-Christmas retreat I am very home oriented; I don't mind if he wants to stay here but I don't want to be anywhere except at home, which obviously looks bad if I keep saying I don't want to stay with him. So I will say I'll stay with him and not really want to, because I don't want to be selfish, but it doesn't make me feel as good as staying at home. (I know, we're not technically together so it's probably starting to sound confused!)

It's hard to know where him being demanding ends and me actually being a bit difficult might begin. He was very controlling while we were together and also verbally abusive at times. Now he sees I'm happy being single I wonder if he is just panicking that I don't 'need' him any more, and that is making him needy. In which case I am not being selfish right?!

I just keep finding myself wondering whether there's some truth in what he's saying. If you feel moved to answer this please try not to judge his response on what I've said about our relationship; I did feel it was relevant to mention though.

(I did look at some other questions on selfishness but couldn't find an answer that was relevant.)

asked 14 Jan '11, 19:26

aquamarine's gravatar image


If your ex was genuinely glad to see you so much happier, he wouldn't be accusing you of being selfish - he would be encouraging you to continue doing what you're doing.

He has been used to you acting a certain way and now because you have decided to change some things, he probably feels a little threatened and scared because he no longer has control over what you do.

The only advice I can give you is to continue to work on your own self growth. You know that you are not intentionally hurting anyone else and if he feels, in some way, scared then only he can resolve that. And as you already know, if he's not ready to hear you, it will be a waste of time trying to explain - you may just have to sever ties for now at least.

I think you've pretty much answered your own question - "Now he sees I'm happy being single I wonder if he is just panicking that I don't 'need' him any more, and that is making him needy. In which case I am not being selfish right?!"


answered 14 Jan '11, 20:32

Michaela's gravatar image


Thank you Michaela, I don't know how you do it, but EVERY time you hit the nail on the head in a succinct way. It's strange, I agree with what you say and yet there's a voice in my head 'reminding' me you can't have your cake and eat it, while there is also Abraham saying, actually you can! I guess it's just years and years and years of living by rules that may not be true - a bad habit that's hard to break.

(14 Jan '11, 21:15) aquamarine

Yes - You just have to keep chipping away at those 'old habits' or 'past conditioning' one chip at a time :)

(14 Jan '11, 21:56) Michaela

The thing is that when you start on this self-improvement journey you can expect two things to happen

  1. The people you know will change with you

  2. You will not be in contact with people who don't want to change and can't accept Yo ufor who you are becomning /they will somehow dissapear from the face on the Earth for You

How do I know that? Because since I started on this journey over three years ago I found myself attracted to more and more individuals that are like-minded or the same vibration, if you want to call it that.

But that's not the most exciting thing for me. What is the most exciting thing is that the people I have never, ever tought could change few years ago are changing very rapidly in front my very eyes.

And those are not only young people. My parents which are in their 50s' are currently going through changes that I identifeid in my own spiritual evolution from 2 years back. Now, they are doing it simultanously with eachother, they are just not aware of that yet.

And the best part is that I don't need to tell them that. I just need to be their and observe and offer my insights if I'm being asked for advice. I don't have to do what I used to do before when I just started out, meaning shouting at them "Look what you're doing! You don't love eachother! Start loving eachother!" and I was pretty pissed off saying those words too :)

Now, don't get me wrong, if it happened I presume it needed to happen for them to change also, but it was actually my changing and my letting go of the need to see them change that actually enables them to accelerate in a very rapid pace.

It really is that way for me that you are responsible for what you create. You see, I also believe that they is a version on You, me and everybody that is enlighened and living happily-ever-after in a 'Heaven on Earth" kind of situation. The thing is to tap into that alternative version of reality and by being that vibration being able to percieve it more clearly.

But you probably know that by now from books, channelings, movies and so forth. What you need is proof and validation that what you're doing is real and you know what? I believe you already know that it is.

It is just a way to attract the answer from outside of yourself so you can nod your head in approval thinking "yEAH, that's what I thought".

You know that you will find the answer You are looking for right on this site and that's why you are posting it here. And that's great! It's great to have others going through the same process and sharing their experiences and insights into them and it's a great blessing to share.

but you know what? You don't need that anymore. You can really trust your feelings to guide you in the right direction. How do I know? Because I did it this way and my life is becoming more and more ecstatic each day and the most important answers I figured out for myself.

Sure, I've spent over 2,5 years of my life researching and gathering information from every source I felt excited to look, but after that I've experienced the sensation on my 'spiritual death'.

It means that my perspective on life has changed dramaticly after that and there is no way going back to who I was. Not that I would want to go back, but I finally got to a point when I 'know' how it feels to experience 'being in the Now'.

For more than two years I have heard the concept but I couldn't actually experience it and suddenly, out of nowhere I've read somehting in a book and puff, there I was, changed forever.

I call it my death because death symbolizes transformation for me and that's exactly what has happened to me. but it was a gradual process of taking two steps forward and one step back until I reached that point.

And you know what? I still do it this way! I still push myself out of my comfort zone, but than have to retrieve for a while to make sense out of it or just accumulate enough energy not to go bananas.

But the main difference is in not what I do know, but how I do it. There's is no sense of urgency or 'getting somewhere' that I used to have before. There is no magical place where I have to get to to finally be happy, becaue I'm happy now! I'm happy now!

And the need for explaining myself to other people is also diminishing. I mean that my inner dialog is balanced enough not to get in the way of observing other people changing. They just do and I am just there when it happens. It's remarkable! I never thought that that's the way it happens, but apparently it is.

The more you progress, the more you 'know' and the more happy you are with you 'knowing' the least the need to explain yourself to others shows up. And that's ok. The way to do it, for me, is to let it happen the way it is suppose to happen and to wait for the sign to intervien when I'm called for.

Because I really feel like an observer right now and that it has all been put in front of me for my own amusement. It's like a movie where I play the main part in. I can go and talk with the characters, but I can also listen, hit the pause button, kick back and watch the scenes.

Or just change the movie completely. Change the characters, their usual roles, reverse them, mix them up with eachother, put a spin which no one ever thought of before. And it's great, there is no harm in that.

Sure there may be coming up ethical issues coming up that I'm maybe controlling and manipulating people, but I really am not! It's not my experience at all! It's like I let the plot take me and my characters wherever it wants, with less and less of my physical mind telling me what would be the best possible outcome, because I really don't know what is 'good' and 'bad' anymore.

The more I study people and myself I come to the realisation that you HAVE TO hit the bottom to bounce back up and that all the hardships, all the pain, all the suffering, was just to prepare you for that -- to hit bottom. And once you did, there's no where else to go but up.

And how you go there is entirely UP TO YOU! You can go right, left, bottom, up, sideways and crossways. You can do what you want and be who you want, you just have to allow it and not judge it.

You say you have a difficult time defining your relationship? Congratulations! What is happening is that you're creating a relationship with another person that is completely unique and maybe has never been experienced in history of this world! That is super exciting!

All you have to do is to allow it and let other characters take cues from you on their won accord, without you having to force them to 'do this and do that'. You can just kick back and enjoy and see that it is alright and that the more you enjoy yourself the more others will enjoy you.

But that doesn't mean that challenges won't come your way and that you won't be called forth to play roles you may not really like anymore and you have to deal with that. You used others as mirrors for your change and now you will be a mirror for theirs. So exciting! To being able to play out those dramas that you used to, but with a different attitude this time.

You may have noticed that after a fight you have with someone you are very emotional, maybe screaming like you used to, but when you depart from that situation instead of feeling agitated you feel peace and comfort inside you? I believe it's because you are helping others to let go of their burdens and their dramas and that's a great gift you can give.

In fact it's the most generous gift you CAN give -- being a mirror, playing a part, being an actor. And very soon we will all be actors that are conscious of playing in the same movie, just switching roles all the time.

May your roles expand you beyond belief so you can expand others and give them a give of your superb consciousness.


answered 14 Jan '11, 20:35

wildlife's gravatar image


Thank you for the support Wildlife. You make some good points, and it's comforting to see it's not just me that needs to retreat from the world to process!

(14 Jan '11, 21:16) aquamarine

A couple of A-H qoutes that might help

If it is true, and it is, that when I, meaning, any point of Consciousness, asks, it is given, then can you not feel the perfection of the selfish ego? Every vantage point gets to ask, and every vantage point is answered. And when everyone is individually choosing and Source is answering--then what could be a more balanced world?

--- Abraham

Excerpted from the workshop in Sedona, AZ on Saturday, August 31st, 2002 #543

and another

If you're not selfish enough to want to feel good, then you can't connect with the energy that is your Source which does always feel good.

--- Abraham

Excerpted from the workshop in Lincroft, NJ on Tuesday, October 15th, 1996 #466



answered 14 Jan '11, 21:26

ursixx's gravatar image


Thank you Ursixx. I do love a quote! It seems like there are two kinds of selfish though - Abraham selfish which benefits everyone, and 'traditional' selfish which doesn't. And people who are not familiar with LOA might see the first as the second....

(15 Jan '11, 09:17) aquamarine

@aquamarine maybe the word selfish would be better defined as Enlightened self-interest http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Enlightened_self-interest

(15 Jan '11, 09:39) ursixx

"Enlightened self-interest is a philosophy in ethics which states that persons who act to further the interests of others (or the interests of the group or groups to which they belong), ultimately serve their own self-interest

It has often been simply expressed by the belief that an individual, group, or even a commercial entity will "do well by doing good". Enlightened self-interest might be considered to be unrealistically idealistic and altruistic by detractors and practically idealistic and utilitarian by proponents."

(15 Jan '11, 09:40) ursixx

Another great Abe quote - "If you're not selfish enough to want to feel good, then you can't connect with the energy that is your Source which does always feel good" Here's to self love!

(31 May '13, 18:44) ele
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