I've paid a lot of money for a coaching programme based partly on the law of attraction and hypnosis/meditation to help me with meeting a man and hopefully getting married one day. The coach tells me that who I'm attracting online is a reflection of my own mind.

It may be true. I don't know. But the fact is that at my age, the kind of person I'm looking for is not commonly to be found on or offline. I've tried to think in terms of abundance and that there are many men out there who could be right (despite outer appearances). I've also tried to think in terms of the qualities I really want in a man. But I'm still not not getting many people interested in me whom I am interested in. I have basically been trying this for the past couple of years but trying harder to get my mindset right in the past few months.

Is who you attract on online dating really a reflection of your mind? And if so how can I work on my mind so I can get better quality men at my age - mid-4o's never married?

asked 11 Dec '13, 16:05

Inner%20Beauty's gravatar image

Inner Beauty

edited 12 Dec '13, 17:21

I don't know if this article answers your question directly but it contains a few valuable insights. Hope it helps.

How To Attract A New Relationship

You more easily attract a new relationship by sending out the firm intention once, then letting go of it, occupying yourself with other things in the trust that it will "hit you when least expected". Too much preoccupation with finding a partner creates a sort of neediness that is repellent to attracting one. So you make it very clear to yourself that you are ready for a relationship, send out that wish and then go about other stuff in your life, doing your best with your job for example. Make sure that your intention for a new relationship is not 100% selfish or desire-based and that there is also some appreciation-for-the-other.

When you meet various potential partners let it be OK to have them and OK not to have them. This keeps your overall aura light, friendly, flirtatious and humorous rather than desperate and groveling (and this is why its easier to attract relationships when you are already in a relationship - like attracts like).

Don't be looking at too many side-stories on this subject. A better thing to be looking at is your preference for closeness and companionship. You'd be looking at the essence instead of worries. And when looking at closeness and companionship, in order to get those energies moving, you first start in your immediate surroundings. See if you can allow closeness to your mom and dad, your friends, your clients, your neighbors...whoever is already present. It will then be easier to attract closeness to a new partner because you are already in the *** habit of closeness.

Desperate people couldn't care less about their neighbors, parents, clients. Their whole focal point is some fantasy about a particular partner. If you already know someone in your life of whom you think "they are the only one and I need to have that specific person" and the feeling is not mutual (that is, they reject you as a partner), you are already lost in a fantasy. This fantasy originates in childhood when a parent was the total focal-point whose love needed to be "secured".

Any sort of "urgent need" or strong-attachment to one particular person is delusional. Why? Because you are making that one person source of your happiness rather than realizing the true source of happiness that is within. You are also limiting the vast amount of possibilities in this big and wide Universe to one particular person. But if you want to attract a right-for-you partner, you should not be focusing on one particular person, you should "leave it up to the Universe", "leave it up to life" to deliver what is right-for-you. By becoming too focused on one particular person, you are severely limiting what the Universe is able to do for you. As you relax a little and open up, you will attract someone much better than that one person (who doesn't want you anyway. When you build up that much expectation and pressure toward one person they are repelled by it and run away).

Attracting a really good partner requires you to feel and live your own value. If for example, you are too quick to agree with everything your potential partner says, or too quick to do whatever they want, or constantly try to hide your own imperfections - these are things that come from inner insecurity, of not feeling your own value. So if that potential partner says "lets go visit the exhibition on 18th Century life" and you don't want to do that, you say "No". That will get you more respect than saying "Yes" although you do not really want that. Or if a potential partner wants to sleep with you on the first date and that is not part of your value-system, you say "No". And if they can't handle that, you wouldn't want them anyway. You stay true to yourself, authentic.

On the other hand, you do not become an egomaniac who sees the whole interaction only in terms of your own benefit. Being in a relationship also requires YOU to become someone who is attractive and has something to offer.An exercise I often prescribe to love-seekers is to put themselves in the shoes of the potential partner and look at oneself from the outside, from the eyes of that person. And as you look at yourself from their eyes, you get a sense of what is good and less good about you, what you could emphasize (the good sides) and what you could improve on (the not so good sides).

It is also helpful to remember that attracting relationships, being in relationships is very normal and easy. Everybody has been doing it for as long as humanity exists. Its natural, normal and easy to come by. If you live in the Illusion that its somehow complicated or not easily had, release such beliefs. They are only beliefs and obstruct your vision of the truth. That truth is that there are Millions of people out there that would be a good match to you. At least 5% of any given population would be a good match, not only "one soul-mate". That's a lot of people. If you think that a good partner is rare and difficult to come by, that's also an illusion. If you love and accept yourself fully, almost any other person is easy to love. So that increases the amount of potential partners that are right for you. I am not saying you should not be choosy. Disregarding 95% is very choosy. But you ought not be too extreme, and acknowledge that that leaves 5% (Millions of people in your area) that would be good for you. The deeper truth is that you can experience growth within any sort of relationship...the relationship to your boss, employee, child, parent, friend, acquaintance...any relation-ship helps you to move forward.

Also, no limitation need be put on where you will meet your partner. Many coachees have told me things such as "no, I could never meet him on the Internet" or "I don't like the men at my work, it cant be there", etc. Imposing such limitations again makes "the Universes job" more difficult. That partner could come from anywhere and there is no need to create artificial limits. You could find him/her anywhere and at anytime, online or offline, in your town or outside of it, at work or outside of work. There is even the possibility that you already know him/her but have not recognized him/her as your dream-partner yet.

For those of you who have not been for a relationship in a very long time (years), it is important to get back into the habit of relating to women/men, to meet them, talk to them, go out with them, have fun with them. It is important to get back into the swing and flow of things and release the loner-vibe. So get out there into life, show up, don't stay at home, meet dozens and even hundreds of people, even if they are not "the" potential partner. Cultivate closeness and relation-to-others. You can only attract into your life what you radiate.

Make sure you are ready for a new relationship and that your life is in order. Then, focus on the intention strongly. Then let go of it. Its best to think about it in terms of wanting closeness, intimacy and companionship. But if you cant think of it in those terms, don't think of it at all. Both "positive thought" and "no thought" are better than negative thought.

This article contains some of the main mistakes and main remedies I have encountered in many years of coaching. If you are looking for new love I recommend you re-read it several times so that the ideas truly sink in.


This answer is marked "community wiki".

answered 12 Dec '13, 08:39

Satori's gravatar image


edited 12 Dec '13, 08:40


Dear Satori, what a wonderful article! I'm truly not desperate. I just feel I should focus on finding a partner which I haven't done for a lot of my life. There is lots of great advice here especially about increasing connection and friendships. I do have a tendency to be very independent and isolate myself emotionally from people so it is good advice. Thank you so much for sharing this.

(12 Dec '13, 15:04) Inner Beauty

yes @Inner Beauty, here's the conflict ... from the positive angle; emotional independence and isolation reflects a personality having plenty of patience and capable of giving good advice and guidance ... from the negative angle; a personality tending to be obstinate, suspicious, fearful, excessive or even overbearing ... join the two and allow the inner beauty to shine through :)

(13 Dec '13, 00:40) jaz

@Inner Beauty- Your welcome. Glad it helped:)

(14 Dec '13, 13:17) Satori
showing 2 of 3 show 1 more comments

It's all a reflection of your mind including online dating, offline dating or any other dating ... in my experience the best way to find a good partner is to forget those dating agencies and set your aims on having a healthy and lively social life ... this way you're showing the world how confident and happy you are which in turn will automatically adjust your vibes and attract the man of your dreams, and with all those social contacts it won't be long before he turns up ... happy hunting :)

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answered 12 Dec '13, 04:05

jaz's gravatar image


Jaz, this is great advice! :)

(12 Dec '13, 06:16) Yes

Thanks Jaz! That is good advice. The thing is that with online dating I seem to be attracting all the wrong people but with socialising I meet hardly anyone my age single let alone suitable. I think that is why people turn to online dating. But yes you are right I should socialise more. At least that way I'll actually have a better time then looking up depressing Internet sites!

(12 Dec '13, 14:52) Inner Beauty
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