A father was explaining to a friend that he used to be worried about his son.
"Before he would just sit around the house and do nothing, but now he meditates....."

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A little girl asked her mother, "How did the human race appear?"

The mother answered, "God made Adam and Eve and they had children, and so all mankind was made."

Two days later the girl asked her father the same question. The father answered, "Many years ago there were monkeys from which the human race evolved."

The confused girl returned to her mother and said, "Mom, how is it possible that you told me the human race was created by God, and Dad said they developed from monkeys?"

The mother answered, "Well, dear, it is very simple. I told you about my side of the family and your father told you about his."
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A very religious man lived right next door to an atheist. While the religious one prayed day in, day out, and was constantly on his knees in communion with his Lord, the atheist never even looked twice at a church.

However, the atheist's life was good, he had a well-paying job and a beautiful wife, and his children were healthy and good-natured, whereas the pious man's job was strenuous and his wages were low, his wife was cheating on him and his kids wouldn't give him the time of the day.

So one day, deep in prayer as usual, he raised his eyes towards heaven and asked: "Oh God, I honor you every day, I ask your advice for every problem and confess to you my every sin. Yet my neighbour, who doesn't even believe in you and certainly never prays, seems blessed with every happiness, while I go poor and suffer many an indignity.

Why is this?" And a great voice was heard from above ...

"BECAUSE HE DOESN'T BOTHER ME ALL THE TIME."

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Every day, a physisist goes to an icecream parlor and buys two ice creams, one for himself, and the other one, he places in the seat next to him. After several months, the owner of the ice cream parlor asks the man why he does this. The man replied, "According to quantum mechanics, a beautiful woman will spontaneously materialize in that seat and fall in love with me." So the parlor owner says, "Why don't you buy an ice cream, give it to one of the ladies in here already and maybe she will fall in love with you." The physisist replies, "What are the chances of that happening?"

There was a young couple very much in love. On the night before they were to be married, both were killed in an automobile accident. They found themselves at the pearly gates of heaven being escorted in by St. Peter. After a couple of weeks in heaven, the prospective groom took St. Peter aside and said, "St. Peter, my fiancee and I are very happy to be in heaven, but we miss very much the opportunity to have our wedding vows celebrated. Is it possible for people in heaven to get married?" St. Peter looked at him and said, "I'm sorry, I've never heard of anyone in heaven wanting to get married. I'm afraid you'll have to talk to the Lord God Almighty about that. I can get you an appointment in two weeks from Wednesday." Come the appointed day, the couple was escorted by the guardian angels into the presence of the Lord God Almighty, where they repeated the request. The Lord looked at them solemnly and said, "I tell you what; wait a year and if you still want to get married, come back and we will talk about it again." A year went by and the couple, still very much wanting to get married, came back. Again, the Lord God Almighty said, "I'm sorry to disappoint you, but you must wait another year, and then I will consider your request." This happened year after year, for ten years. Each time they reasserted their yearning to be married; each time God put them off for another year. In the tenth year, they came before they Lord God Almighty to ask again. This time the Lord answered, "Yes, you may marry! This Saturday at 2:00 p.m. We will have a beautiful ceremony in the main chapel. The reception will be on me!" The wedding went off without a hitch. The bride looked beautiful. The Buddha did the flower arrangements for which Moses wove simple yet elegant baskets. Jesus prepared the fish course. All of heaven's denizens attended, and a good time was had by all. Tragically, but perhaps inevitably, within a few weeks, the newlyweds realized that they had made a horrible mistake. They simply couldn't stay married to one another. So they made another appointment to see the Lord God Almighty. Groveling and frightened, they asked if they could get a divorce. The Lord heard their request, looked at them, and said, "Look, it took us TEN YEARS to find a priest up here in heaven. Do you have any idea how long it'll take us to find a lawyer?"

Q: Why don't Buddhists vacuum in the corners?

A: Because they have no attachments.

As the broken light bulb said to the psychiatrist:

"you can analyze ME indefinitely or you can simply decide to change ME right Now." :)

There was a flood coming and a man was waiting for God to save him, a man came by on a life raft and said "here get on I'll help you!" The man waiting on God said "No no thank you, God will save me, I'll be fine." Later the water is getting high the man is now at the second story and a boat comes by with rescuers in it, they tell him "Come out the window we'll save you!" The man said "Go away I'll be fine God will save me!" Next he is standing on his roof the water is closing in on him fast, a helicopter comes and drops a rope ladder and shouts "Grab on we'll rescue you!" He shouts up "No that wont be necessary I have full faith God will save me!" Finely the water raises so high he is swept away and drowned. He asks God, "Why, God I had full faith in you to save me! Was I not worthy enough, why did you let me die?" God replied "You were in deed worthy, you did have very much faith and in this faith have I answered you." "When did you answer me?" said the man "I died!" God responded I have not answered you once but three times!" "I came to you in a raft, I came to you in a boat, I even came to you in a helicopter! It was you that refused my help when you put your own limiting conditions of expectation on how I am to help you."

Don't limit how God helps you by expectation on how that help is to come. Just know and trust then recognize the help.

After some thought on how this was originally worded as a joke instead of a parable I thought I need to get my mind in a wave similar to Henny Youngman, so I am going to tune in now and retell this more as a joke.

The Joke

A flood was coming and Bob a man of faith was watching the water come past his house. Bob prayed for God to rescue him. A neighbor came by on a raft and said "get in I'll save you!" Bob said "No I am waiting on God to save me!" His neighbor went past, now the water was raising fast! The water was rushing past his second story window! A ship came by and offered help but Bob refused saying, "I have faith God will save me!" Finely as Bob stood on his roof a helicopter came and shouted down "Grab the ladder!" Bob said "No God will save me!" They left and Bob was washed away, Bob meets Jesus judgement day and says "What happened I waited for you to save me?" Jesus responded "Bob I sent you a raft, a ship and a helicopter! What more did you want? The coast guard?"

Jesus is watching you

A burglar broke into a home and was looking around. He heard a soft voice say, "Jesus is watching you".

Thinking it was just his imagination, he continued his search. Again the voice said "Jesus is watching you".

He turned his flashlight around and saw a parrot in a cage. He asked the parrot if he was the one talking and the parrot said, "yes." He asked the parrot what his name was and the parrot said, "Moses." The burglar asked, "what kind of people would name a parrot Moses?" The parrot said, "the same kind of people who would name their pit bull Jesus".

one day a one legged man was going in the street jumping on one leg. then he stopped put is hand in the air and asked god i am tired of jumping on this leg please god make my leg like the other one. then he falled on the ground.

Ok here is one I read recently. I have taken up meditation. It's better than sitting around doing nothing.

I was at a talk on Transcendental Meditation. I like the program, but the presenter was just too much. Short, pompous, arrogant, pink three piece suit. He gave his talk and offered to field questions.

I asked him if Transcendental Meditation could be used to control the pain of dentistry without drugs.

He replied that some people used it for that, but it was not his real focus.

I told him that question was the main reason I had attended his presentation. After all, aren't you teaching how to "Transcend Dental Medication"?

No need to described his reaction, but I was glad that I am 6'1" and weigh over two hundred pounds!

The Zen master steps up to the hot dog cart and says:

"Make me one with everything."

The hot dog vendor fixes a hot dog and hands it to the Zen master, who pays with a $20 bill. The hot dog vendor puts the bill in the cash drawer and closes the drawer.

"Where's my change?" asks the Zen master.

The hot dog vendor responds: "Change must come from within."

I heard this today and thought IQers might appreciate it -

Question to Ascended Master: How many ascended masters does it take to change a lightbulb?

Answer: None, that's the lightworkers' job.

This is my sense of humor when I see somebody focusing on his/her body all the time. I mention this imaginary situation to them which possibly could have actually taken place somewhere sometime.

I guy jogged to the gym, did a 2-hour workout and was jogging back home when a truck kills him.

The shape he wanted for his body will soon be different from the one it gets.

(sounds cruel but is a bitter fact)

Dolly (Bliss Haven Retreat Ontario)