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It was a warm summer day. I took a day off at work, because I could no longer handle seeing a certain person in my office. I was brokenhearted and devastated, and presence of that person was a constant reminder of that big ball of mess I used to be. And so much aching was the realization that I seem not to be able to destroy this notion of myself when we were bumping into each other all the time. All I ever wanted was to fall in passionate crazy unchained love. And I was so close this time. I literally asked and address this question to the universe - why can't I have a love like that? Little did I know, that later that day I will receive an answer. I got home and was wondering about how to spend the rest of the day. Still feeling emotionally distressed I opened a bottle of fine alcoholic drink and had a few shots. A few moments later I remembered I had still a lil bag of weed. It felt appropriate to have a go and help my mind and heart fight my great sadness. Before I went for a walk, I felt a sudden urge to listen to Macy Gray's voice. I went through a few songs on youtube and loaded them into my mp3. Then went out. I was walking for about 30 minutes in woods, I felt alcohol and weed kicked in and so I began to think once again about the hurt I was feeling. Unafraid of admitting truth of whatever nature I finally saw that I was "second best" for that person in the office. Not the number one this time. I even felt my Ego getting hurt upon that realization. But feeling of happiness was so overwhelming that I forgot that little sore spot on my soul in a heartbeat. And as I was walking, and contemplating my thoughts, I heared following words in my headphones....
I was stuck and sure that it was no coincidence I should hear those words. That was the answer the universe has given me to my question. (abusing a bit the world felt here) but I literally felt the presence of the trees, fields and all the flowers at that moment. As if their spirit was touching mine. It was amazing. And not only giving me the answer, but also reminding me through that song what I used to dream about. The love so pure, honest and open. It was a nice day. And wonderful and liberating realization for me. So now that I know the universe is giving me real love, I'mma go ask for that second best, human to human love kind of thing. ;-) The song is "Real Love by Macy Gray and Bobby Brown"
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I am sorry I am trying to understand this and see what happened other than "the alcohol and weed kicked in" as you said. @CalonLan LOL, thanks for best answer and welcome back. :-)
(17 Jan '13, 17:06)
Wade Casaldi
So funny this life, isn't it. @ele, consider this.... If it was true that after our death in previous life we could decide whether to join the source or go back and experience something,.. and we chose another life, well here it is...then why do we ever worry. We chose this and that and all that comes with it. The deal was made, destiny sealed and er were sent to the time/place/environment which would give us the desired experience. So in a way we're going through already determined actions..
(07 Jan '14, 10:26)
CalonLan
...only to experience what we wanted from the beginning...and then we go back either take a rest or have another round. =)
(07 Jan '14, 10:27)
CalonLan
Are you telling me you came back to IQ with this tear jerker of a story? Did you think other members might be holding a grudge? lol!
(07 Jan '14, 10:50)
ele
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Beautiful! What a wonderful feeling! To need so, so, badly to know, "Am I loved? Isn't there any love for me in this world?" And to get a such a cymbal-bashing, trumpet blaring, resounding, YES!!! I know what it is to try to comfort yourself as best you can when you are hurting so badly, you feel you just can't take it - to try to create a cushion of safety between yourself and the pain. Is that what you meant, when you wrote that when the alcohol and the weed kicked in - that it was only then that you felt you could allow yourself to revisit the overwhelming feelings? When it felt a little safer to do so?... Thats what I got from what you wrote, and I get it. Its been many years since I felt that way, but it is not something you forget. When it gets that bad, it can feel like I am standing on the edge of a cliff, and have to be very careful about looking over the edge to have a look at whats down there... I also know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that your answer came straight from our Source, who absoutely adores you, and who went to a great deal of trouble to shout that in your ears and display and resonate it all around you! I'm so glad you experienced such a lovely time of awareness. Its up to us all, isnt it, to remember that this is how it really is? Its up to us to allow it; it is always right there in front of us and inside us all, all of the time. I hope you can keep it alive and warm and comforting inside you always! I believe absolutely that you will experience the beautiful, pure, and loving relationship you dream of. Its easy to see that from here - Just look at what you have expressed; you are beautiful, pure, and loving already! We don't get what we want, we get what we are. So hang on to that, and that is exactly what will come to you. I'm sending a big, warm hug and lots of love to you, CalonLan. |
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@Calon- Really sorry to hear this. There are times like this when I feel like writing a letter to God, and cursing him of his invention of heartbreak.
The good thing is, there is nothing emotionally worse. Perhaps not now (a few months after this has happened), but maybe in a year or two you will have such great appreciation for whatever you gained in this experience. Pat on the back, and all the best dude, you'll get a mermaid one day I'm certain.
@Nikulas, lol it feels like this happened several light years ago. To someone else.
That person is still in my office and we notice each other physical presence from time to time. But other than that it is as if she wouldn't be there. Back then, trapped in attachments and despair of desires, I idolized her and that delusions hold onto me for a long time. But somewhere between then and now, she has lost all that glitter that attracted me and grey facade of her soul remained....
...all that I held onto was gone and all that I didn't fancy remained. I could not help myself, but let her fall into depths of oblivion, for she was no longer that shinning star upon my sky.
I traveled way too far and seen too much to travel back and stay in the world she lives in. I bid her good life and goodbye, for I shall never return her, not even in my thoughts of 'what if', nor shall I slow down and wait for her.
Being with her, would hold my adventurous soul back in many ways.
And I already appreciate it didn't went well and that she was not the one. Although sometimes I doubt I'll be able to find someone to match speed of my vessel to keep up with me. Seems almost impossible in this society and this era of specific thinking anyway. But that's alright.
And funny thing is, in the corner of my soul I hope aliens will come and provide me with opportunity to explore the whole universe. lol. I so don't want to settle because of that.
"but I literally felt the presence of the trees, fields and all the flowers at that moment. As if their spirit was touching mine. It was amazing."
@CalonLan - your words are so strong - I am feeling the trees and the fields and the flowers too