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Since youth friends, family, and everyone in between has always been intimidated by my words or judgement, even in situations where I wouldn't normally make judgements. An early girlfriend told me the reason she lied to me is because she was afraid of disappointing me. In my youth at the time I disregarded this, but as I grew I came to realize that while everyone's actions are their own there was huge amounts of truth in what she said. This was repeatedly verified by later girlfriends verbatim, as well as my observations of interactions I've had with everyone my whole life. As a consequence I rarely complain to people about my issues with situations, because their immediate response is almost always strongly defensive, either rejecting what I'm saying (even if I am directly repeating their exact words back to them) or lashing out at me. I've always been someone who told people if they're honest with me about something they believe would upset me, I may initially have a less than ideal response, but I would get over it and take it worlds better than if they tried to hide it from me. Of course this meant people lying to me became an extremely common behavior, and for whatever reason these things always end up coming back to me. Strangers, friends of friends, others are always approaching me and telling me about the things others are trying to hide from me. I like that the truth always seems to come around to me, but I'd much prefer if I could reduce my intimidation factor so people aren't afraid to simply tell me themselves. Any thoughts, comments, experiences, or suggestions would be greatly appreciated.
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You could ask yourself what would be your reaction if your friends were honest. Play out in your mind one of the scenarios where a friend lied to you. Watch your reaction to the truth, observe your words and actions and feelings about it. Observe your friend's reaction to your reacion. Also, start observing your reaction to your friends and to others in real interactions. Maybe your natural response seems to others to be harsh, judgemental, abrasive, sarcastic or otherwise hurtful. According to Gregg Braden, some reflections are of things we judge. 1
I love your response, Fairy Princess and think this is perfect advice!
(08 May '13, 17:28)
LeeAnn 1
Thank you. :)
(08 May '13, 19:02)
Fairy Princess
Thank you :)
(09 May '13, 11:03)
Fairy Princess
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I believe there are multiple explanations for this, but mainly: People lie to those who are not good listeners. For example, many women complain that when they confide in their husbands, they are always trying to fix the problem in their own way rather than lend support and listen. Often, people just want someone to listen and be supportive or empathetic. They are not looking for answers or action. With those who refuse to do this, they will resort to covering things up or lying, in order to evade the drama completely for a time. So be a good listener if you would like others to confide in you and be honest with you. Many people gloss over the truth because they themselves are unable to face it head on. And more importantly, they do not want the consequences. This has nothing to do with you and everything to do with them and their own deficiencies. Your only defense against people like this is to not associate with them to begin with. This is an interesting subject and I am glad you brought it up. I will be anxious to see what others say about it, since I would like to learn more than just the few things I have observed over the years on my own. 2
LOA - lies attract lies... Whether one lies to themselves or to others... A good question to ask yourself if you are in the habit of attracting liars is "what am I lying about"
(08 May '13, 01:33)
ele
An interesting point ele. Though these experiences started in my youth. You've been told a few of these stories. I don't believe I attracted being cheated on, nor being lied to about it, nor being told it was my fault I was lied to about it. I do believe the latter is my fault from being unapproachable, but I am definitely not someone who plays the role of a cheater. A cheatee at times, usually without my knowledge, but not the point. I lie to myself all the time to convince myself I'm happy~~
(08 May '13, 02:17)
Snow
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~~ but this generally works.. And can be 'productive'? At least it works. As for lying to others. I will have to closer analyze my behavior in my life and see. I definitely have had a habit of glazing the truth, generally in the interest of defending the emotions of myself or others, but that's not a valid excuse for poor behavior. I suppose it's a better idea to be completely honest even if I know the truth is going to crush someone. Just never something I liked to do.
(08 May '13, 02:19)
Snow
There is more than one definition of cheater. I KNOW you would not do that. Were you emotionally available?
(08 May '13, 02:26)
ele
You think you do, but only because you haven't encountered complete honesty. This scenario presents an interesting conundrum for me. I hate being lied to, yet I regularly am (not) 'forced' to lie and not share my true feelings because if I did the words I would say would be destructive to put it as mildly. I am gifted at inflicting pain or joy with my words. I'm also cursed with often being very unpleasant on the inside. I suppose my options are hermit life or silence, or being blatantly evil..
(08 May '13, 02:37)
Snow
"You think you do" - sweetie, let's just say I know you better than most people on IQ, ok. Take it to email if you want.
(08 May '13, 02:55)
ele
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"I lie to myself all the time to convince myself I'm happy but this generally works." I wouldn't call it lying more along the lines of faking it till you make it.or telling the story you want to hear. "Just remember that the story you tell is the basis of your life. So tell it the way you want it to be." --- Abraham
(09 May '13, 00:58)
ursixx
Great quote ursixx!
(09 May '13, 01:01)
ele
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Another way of looking at this question is "how" to intimidate people ... intimidation implies the presence or operation of a fear inspiring force ... and we feel afraid when in presence of a strong force that violates principles of justice or fairness. In short people feel they're being unfairly treated, they feel they're being bullied. Here is a link on how to intimidate people that will most certainly shine some light on the subject http://uk.askmen.com/money/mafioso_100/118_mafia.html
@Snow - ru bis posted a great link. Build "uncertainty" - fascinating! It reminds me of Leo's answer to how to be a magician..
(08 May '13, 03:39)
ele
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@Snow and once you have fully assimilated this explication you will surely find the answer to your question "do greater 'entities' manifest in human form?" :)
(08 May '13, 03:46)
ru bis
@ele: That was on this account @ru bis: I really wish you would explain what that means. It seems as of late everyone is in on some secret I'm apparently not informed on, and that comment seems to be a nod in the direction akin to what numerous people I encounter regularly like to harass me with. When I'm in a good mood (like now) it doesn't bug me and I can shrug it off, but eventually it does get a bit tiresome. But c'est la vie. I could be reading too much into an innocuous comment..
(09 May '13, 00:34)
Snow
@snow I stand corrected. Your answer was my personal fav. Who said I can manipulate anyone anytime I want? I wish you could let go of the past and live in the present. Perhaps it's time to move on & make new friends..
(09 May '13, 00:55)
ele
ok @Snow, may i ask you, with which dog could you most identify yourself, the little or the big one, in other words how do you "see" as in "feel" this picture of the two dogs?
(09 May '13, 02:41)
ru bis
yes @Snow you feel small and vulnerable on the inside ... and so to maintain equilibrium, what is the outer image, the mirror image that you show to other people ?
(09 May '13, 04:01)
ru bis
Well I can attest to that. Snow is soft & sweet, romantic & very sentimental - sappy even. Big heart & loving soul... Good man!
(09 May '13, 05:19)
ele
yes @Snow, a big tough guy with a soft heart ... women must fall like flies :)
(09 May '13, 05:24)
ru bis
Negative ghost rider. Been single for years and I'm in no particular rush to change that. I'm in a bit too much personal turmoil and what I'd call a "transitional" phase to ever wish myself on any poor unsuspecting young ladies. So I set my eyes well beyond my league as a nice excuse for avoiding risking hurting myself or others. =) For the time being I'm going to keep waiting till I'm a rockstar superhero and maybe I'll reconsider casual dating at that point. ^_^
(09 May '13, 17:26)
Snow
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As an owner of Great Danes I can tell you that I have had more little dogs scare them off... Lol!! Funny to watch sometimes, They do not always understand their size...
(09 May '13, 23:17)
Dragonflybreeze
@Snow"single negative ghost rider" wow, reminds me of clint eastwood lol, in that case i reckon you're more attractive to men than women ... don't forget that "waiting to be a rockstar superhero" means you'll wait all your life without ever becoming it my brother
(10 May '13, 00:22)
ru bis
@Dragonflybreeze yes it's not always size that counts lol
(10 May '13, 00:24)
ru bis
@ru bis "negative ghost rider" simply means NO. It's an aerial term for NO from the movie Top Gun. As for 'single' - he's only 23. Too young for marriage imo. lol! I know @Snow is too confident in his sexuality to let your remarks offend him & I'm sure he laughed. I just want to set the record straight for anyone who might read these remarks - I wouldn't doubt if guys are attracted to him due to his good looks - but - I know Snow loves women & is ONLY attracted to members of the opposite sex.
(24 Jun '13, 02:55)
ele
=) Thanks for the love and protecting spirit as always ele. Let's just assume he only meant they're attracted to me with no further implications, and especially no ill will intended behind it. Not sure how this topic came up but no I'm not bothered by males being attracted to me, and yes it's a true assessment sometimes, but who cares? I take it as a complement, doesn't concern me. And just to avoid murphys lawing myself into a corner, I don't refuse change but I'm pretty sure of what I am. ;)
(24 Jun '13, 03:46)
Snow
@ru bis I'm sure your intention was never to offend & you were only trying to be understanding & helpful as is your nature to be. Just trying to set the record straight.
(24 Jun '13, 03:51)
ele
@snow I said males might be attracted to you - NOT ru bis.. BTW, I didn't refresh my screen - I never saw your comment until after I made my 2nd comment to ru bis.. ETA I'm sure NO ill-will was intended on his part. I added the other comment to ru bis because I did not want any misunderstandings. Love ya..
(24 Jun '13, 04:14)
ele
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From you question, you acknowledge that the answer will lie with you and that is a fantastic place to start. Finding themselves with this insight, i.e. people lie to me, many people would be looking to find ways of making other people change to make themselves more comfortable. Firstly, you could ask someone maybe on the edges of your social circle, not invested in their relationship with you - somebody you consider to be wise/insightful. If you are in college then a tutor is often in a position to observe your interactions with others but isn't invested in them. The other method I would recommend is to get a natal birth chart reading from a good astrologer. You need your date of birth, time of birth and place of birth. The natal birth chart gives you a ton of information about yourself that would take years for a psychologist to uncover. You appear to be a natural inward quester Snow so this would be highly interesting for you anyway. Most people assume that astrology is about predicting the future but personally I feel its prime value is to give you a good overall character and personality assessment - a snapshot of how others might see you. It tells you a great deal about your ways of communicating and interacting with others. It tells you what you consider to be important, what your areas of weakness are. It can even tell you about your karma - good and bad - and what you have to work on in this life. Much of our "stuff" is unconscious and therefore hidden from us. Our strengths are often also hidden from us too so bringing those out into the light can give us some solutions. In this particular instance it would be useful for you to know whether your standards for honesty are at the top of the scale. It is easy for us to assume that everyone shares our standard for truth telling but a quick observation of those around us will show us that what one considers an unacceptable lie, another considers to be tact. If a session with an astrologer is out of the question then even just a $10 report from one of the astrology on line sites would give you some valuable information. The computer doesn't have the finesse of an actual astrologer but is a great starting place for anyone on an inward quest. If that is out of the question then many sites offer a free birth chart, giving loads of valuable information. I very much doubt whether this is the answer you were expecting when you wrote this question. In short, the answer lies inside yourself but you need to go outside yourself to get some insights first. Good advice on all counts. =) http://www.newsunware.com/eng/FreeChart/ A friend showed me this awhile back. I didn't have my exact birth time though, but I do have a chart. Gunna get a more accurate one now, though I still don't know the 'exact' time.
(09 May '13, 00:05)
Snow
@Snow There are two ways round that - either dowse for it(or ask someone who dowses regularly) or I think an astrologer can do a rectifying process (working it out based on events in your life so far and possible chart) but this takes time. The best type for this scenario would be a psychological astrology birth chart. You would definitely get some great insights into this situation ..... just a hunch .... are you Scorpio or Saggitarius?
(09 May '13, 02:08)
Catherine
I'm a Leo, and coincidentally a loud mouth Italian who happens to embody the characteristics thereof. Had people guess Scorpio before. Not sure what that means or what makes me Scorpy like.
(09 May '13, 03:31)
Snow
I don't know how anyone could mistake you for anything other than a Leo @Snow . Leo fits you to a T. If I recall correctly, I think Scorpio is good match for you..
(09 May '13, 05:11)
ele
@Ele - not as good at this as I thought I was - LOL. @Snow Leo is a lovely sign. They tend to love their hair, their mane ..... hmmm I wonder whether Greg Bradden is a Leo?
(09 May '13, 05:56)
Catherine
@Catherine - lol! You are absolutely right about Snow's hair - I did not know about the hair thingy in regards to Leo's... He'll love it! I know he loves his hair...... Too funny - Thanks for the laugh...
(09 May '13, 06:37)
ele
I'm sure you're plenty good at it, probably better than you give yourself credit for. Some people I hold in high regards and respect lots also concluded Scorpio. It could just be I am very tri-polar and so hard to read at times And the hair bit makes me laugh... My hair is past my shoulders now. I've always enjoyed long hair, now maybe I know why.(Though really it's just that I don't have the time or interest in getting it cut.) We also apparently talk about ourselves too much. Egomaniacs. =)
(09 May '13, 17:30)
Snow
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@snow Do you think you can intimidate me, do you think you can make me afraid, do you think you need to judge me? I am not the one that will judge you, the words that I speak are the ones that will judge you on the last day, will also say to you if you truly know people around you, you all ready know why they do this. Do not let this bother you and your inner peace. solve those division in you find the truth, be merciful with others as they should be with you. Let there be light, be the light that you can be, experience and enjoy. I don't know if I can intimidate you, it depends entirely on you. The point of this question is that I don't DESIRE to intimidate you, or anyone 99% of the time. I actually used to be a pretty warm and cuddly fellah, an aspect of myself I've had to hold on to as I've grown up. I don't want people to feel they need to lie to me, or especially not be afraid of me. It's not the way I am, or at least not the way I want to be. It can be beneficial don't get me wrong, but I'd rather it be contained.
(08 May '13, 23:56)
Snow
well if you have discover that it depends on me, then why do you torture your self with this? That people lie or are afraid of you it depends on them. If you are able to observe your self and other in truth. You all ready know who it depends on. You also know why it is like this. it depends on you to be wise enough to change what you can change and to know the difference. And for what you can't change do not loose faith and be merciful. Often people do not know what they are doing forgive them.
(09 May '13, 20:41)
white tiger
When I say it depends on you this is the short way of explaining "It depends on how you are with being around potentially intimidating people". Just because ultimately it IS up to the individual when they decide whether or not to be intimidated by me does NOT translate into "There is nothing Snow can do to make himself more aware of in what ways he is intimidating and improve himself in controlling that influence he has on other people." Bettering myself to get responses I desire from others.
(09 May '13, 20:46)
Snow
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tbBmpaDBizA sometime you cannot trust yourself to some people on different things. you will get to know them do not worry to much every things comes in due time.
(09 May '13, 20:47)
white tiger
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@snow yes do to other what you would like that they do to you. Yet always do this with truth understanding and wisdom. Because they are not you, they might not have the same understanding and experience that you have, or you might not have it like they have it. in that is the difference. to make example:some are Jesus and some are Nicodemus and need to get on the same level to understand each other. for Nicodemus since he does not have the experience and cannot accept the testimony
(09 May '13, 21:16)
white tiger
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it is more hard for him to understand. It will come in due time. as for Jesus he must limit him self on what he say to him. And give him only what he can understand. Some are on milk and some are on meat. yet you cannot give meat to the one on milk.
(09 May '13, 21:20)
white tiger
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@Snow- I have always been intelligent, and refused to "dumb-down" myself for those who were around me. I used a four-dollar word when a simple word would have sufficed. Boys especially, and later, men, found me intimidating. I refused to be another "dumb blonde". It cost me a lot, and showed my lack of humility. What I thought of "dumbing-down" was really just not understanding that there were people I was going to encounter who actually did not understand my vocabulary. I was also a very poor listener. I was never content to sit back and just listen to people. I had to learn (sometimes by getting my feelings hurt) that people needed sometimes just to vent, and did not require any real assistance from me other than my forbearance and understanding. So eventually, I would get lied to or was treated badly due to my lack of humility. I believe humbleness is a hard trait to acquire when one is highly intelligent. I confused humbleness with acting stupid to please people. I often scared people with information and big words. The root of this was my own insecurity. I actually, deep inside, did not feel intelligent or worthy. So I put on a show for others, and they knew it. Perhaps you need to work on your own insecurity as I did. It really helped me see what I was doing. Love, Jaianniah |
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Hi Snow, We've discussed intimidation elsewhere. I wanted to make a couple comments on the subject of lies. Something to ponder ~
"The one who lied and the one who believes it are both responsible for the result. So, instead of blaming him/her, just take a moment to reflect on where you fell short." You said and I quote ~
I agree, honesty matters. Trust is hard to repair. Why don't you think you deserve better? Forgiving is great but there is something to be said about that old adage "Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me." Nothing destroys a relationship more than lack of trust. Sounds like you felt like you weren't worth the truth. That feeling alone puts a huge dent in your self confidence. "You've got to know when to hold 'em and know when to fold 'em." You need to recognize your own value. Lies erode and destroy relationships. Its been said that love is giving someone the power to destroy you, but trusting them not to. Relationships are about trust. Trust is the glue that holds relationships together.
... but Love and Trust are not the same. Love may be unconditional but trust isn't. Trust is about respect and that also includes self respect.
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It may not be you, but the experiences that they have had in life that they are afraid now to speak of certain things with anyone... not so uncommon... Perhaps once they get to know you for a period of time and know they can trust you (as sometimes it simply takes time), they may open up to you more.. hope this was helpful. ;)