@Stingray said this in a comment.

Is this true?

I think so.

So if I am being treated badly, does this mean that I did something to deserve it?

I guess deserve may be a bad choice of words. Perhaps I should say, Did I start the whole thing with my own behavior?

I got lambasted [again] by yet another family member today. It hurt. For once, though, I tried to look at the source of the problem in my own behavior. She says that just about everything I do is "manipulative". I stooped to her level (I lowered my vibration) and argued with her. Surely, I did not even think of manipulation when I spoke to her. "Manipulation" is a strong, strong word. She says the word manipulate, and I freak out. To me, that word implies a lot of forethought, which I cannot even claim to have. Nonetheless, I did engage in verbal combat, and it just got more nasty.

I realize now that I should have just kept to a short agenda with her, and should never have deviated from that.

Why is it so hard to be our true selves around our families? And also, why is it that they stick to their images of us, even when those images are blatant nonsense? Finally, why is it so hard to hold to yourself with family? All the resolution in the world seems to dissolve when things you did years ago are dragged out and rehashed one more time.

I get this now. If I want to be treated better, I must keep my vibration up when I am around people that want to pull me down. If I act "up", perhaps I will be treated "up".

I think this has to be the hardest bit I have ever posted. I want to have all of you tell me that I am not like "that" at all. I have written and re-written justifications and stories, all designed to get sympathy. I have had to edit this, and re-edit this. I really would love to write 50,000 words about my nasty family, and how I seem to degrade and dissolve into craziness when I get around these people. But, in the end, what I really want to say is that even with your family, what you get is truly about you. That is it. This does not mean that it is easy to change what you do around your family. In fact, it is ** hard. But what Kim had to say today is only a reflection of what I say and do around her. If I want it to be different, I must first change myself.

I have managed to do good things in the world, outside of family. I wish that I could tell them all about it. (Justifications! Defensiveness! Low behavior!) Will I ever be "myself" around them? I hope so. Will they ever change what they think about me? I doubt it. As long as I care what they think, I will be forever caught in their web. I really need to stop caring about their opinions.

Yes, I would love to hear from all of you. Yes, I would like to discuss this. I know that my post is true: What I get is about me. But, man, that does not make it easy to swallow.

Blessings,

Jaianniah