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Trying to manifest the absence of someone seems like the opposite of LOA. Following my internal emotional guidance I feel strongly that it is time to move on from my marriage, even though we live peacefully together. He is very depressed about this, which makes me feel bad, but that doesn't feel like reason enough to stay. It would be so much easier if he would accept this and not make it emotional and difficult. I care about him and don't want to be responsible for his misery. I am treating him with compassion and love and doing my best to keep my thoughts bright and not dwell on the ill effects this will have on him or his family. It may seem selfish to people, but I know this is what needs to happen because the alternative makes me feel like I am stuck. How can I navigate this tough time so both of us come out unharmed? He is already an emotional wreck and I would love to get the universe to help out. Everyone I have sought advice from says this cannot possibly go easily and without hurt and pain, but I don't believe it has to be that way. We do have a long history together, so it may take time. |
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I was in a relationship once where the "other party" decided to leave. I was devastated, and made the other person's life a living hell for awhile trying to convince her to come back. In looking back on that part of my life, I realized that, initially, it was finding out that she was leaving that turned my world upside-down. Wrapped up in that realization are all sorts of feelings related to one's self worth, that you are somehow no longer worthy of this person's interest and affection. Whether you believe people are responsible for their own emotions or not, it is always unsettling when something that fundamental changes in your life. However, once I realized that she had made her decision, and she wasn't going to come back, I was thereafter making my own self miserable. That was my decision, not hers. Some people will use this as a form of control: "I can't be happy unless you are here." Anyone who says that is giving over their personal power to someone else. It is better that he learns how to be happy on his own, rather than being dependent on you for his own happiness. There isn't any way to make it (naturally) painless, because you do care about this person, but being sure in your own convictions about what the right thing is to do will lessen the pain. I feel if I allow myself to be affected by his sadness over this then I am giving my own personal power away. I guess I need to stand my ground on this decision while showing as much compassion as possible. There is no reason for either of us to lose our dignity over this. It is a smallish town and we share all the same friends (of course).
(02 Jul '11, 18:30)
Earthlygoddess
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If breaking off the relationship was your decision alone and he wasn't OK with that, then because he is being forced into a change in things, he is probably not going to like it. There will be attempts at making you feel guilty, there will be pain, tears, pleas and so forth. No way around that. I've been through a divorce and have seen many family and friends go though break-ups as well. It just isn't going to be easy. Be careful with your caring and compassion though...those are wonderful states, but don't give him any mixed signals, or it will only be more painful in the long run. I would say make a clean break as best you can, and let him sort out his own feelings. Don't draw it out, which is bad for both of you. It isn't heartless to move on, it's heartless to keep encouraging a doomed relationship, so don't feel bad or guilty. I once read about an exercise where you go to your meditiative level, clearly envision a string between your heart and that of the other person, and then cut it with a scissors. Tell the other to go in peace. I tried this once and found that it did help, so much so, that I only had to repeat it a couple of times. Best wishes... Thank you LeeAnn. I have been visuallizing something similar - a yarn that is slowly untwisting into the smaller threads, and as one thread separates off I say to myself "please undo this bond". I will try your version, I like how gentle it feels.
(02 Jul '11, 18:12)
Earthlygoddess
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As long as you act in a kind and compassionate way, you are not responsible for anothers feelings. You love and care and be gentle with anothers heart and hope for the best...for them. I can see why he might get devastated, your words portray you as a wonderful person and I am sure you are. I personally am very thankful for the devastating hurt I got when my girlfriend left me. Of course not at the time :)) Michael I chose your answer Michael because it felt the most right to me personally. This may take time to move through, but once we do we will both have the opportunity to experience greater happiness. Still not sure why you would be grateful for being hurt, but maybe that's the only way you could accept it and move on? Thanks so much for your input.
(02 Jul '11, 18:35)
Earthlygoddess
Thanks, I believe we learn more about ourselves in the darkness and sadness that exists than walking around in bliss...you are more tan welcome
(02 Jul '11, 20:34)
you
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Great advice from all of the above. The only thing I would add is that a certain amount of pain or suffering will be inevitable in the break up especially if it is a long-term relationship, but the amount of acceptance or resistance will determine to what degree each of you will suffer.And acceptance is no easy task when it comes to a relationship ending. And remember that you cannot be responsible for his misery... that can only be determined by his own choice to accept or resist what's happening. Take some solace in the fact that you are coming from a place of love and compassion, and endeavour to hold that space without being drawn into his drama. Maybe at some future point in time he will come to realize that, by orchestrating this,you did in fact do both of you a favor. 1
I love your answer too Michaela. And I hear what you say about inevitable pain and suffering, but I read another comment on this site (sorry can't recall where) about not accepting someone else's ill feelings into your reality and it was an ah ha for me. I do not have to participate in the pain or welcome it into my reality, just recognize it and let it flow through me. That's what I'm working on. Of course while stil being the caring person I am, and while sticking firm in my decsion. I hope you are right that he will come to appreciate that I made this change one day.
(02 Jul '11, 18:43)
Earthlygoddess
@Earthlygoddess...Good for you if you can allow that pain to just flow through you. If you're coming from the heart (which you obviously are) I'm sure someday he'll realize that the decision was right for you both. Hope you both move through it with as little pain as possible :)
(02 Jul '11, 19:45)
Michaela
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Teach him EFT. Do it enough in front of him that he could do it on his own. Tap in front of him on things like, "This pain from the divorce," and pray outloud for him. It would be helpful for him to see that it's not fun or easy for you either and that you do care about him. He needs to feel loved, so if you can make him feel loved even though you are leaving, that would help him. Without know why you are leaving limits what I can say. Was he abusive or just depressed? That kind of thing might affect my answer. Blessings I am just know learning about EFT, but none of these things interest him at all and I don't think he would let me try it on him. I am trying it on myself though. I am leaving because I feel stuck and that is never a good place to be. He is a good man, but I think we ar not as well matched as we wanted to believe. There are huge parts of my ife I cannot even share with him. We lost our intimacy as well, and I have told him for a long time that I cannot accept this. I finally am finding the courage to walk away. I saw another post where you described the EFT process quite well. Thank you FP.
(02 Jul '11, 18:21)
Earthlygoddess
You're welcome. I am glad it was clear. I hope it helps. Try tapping on the guilt you feel for leaving, for it not working, etc... Be kind and loving and tap on any negative emotions. I am glad he isn't abusive. Blessings to you both.
(03 Jul '11, 00:12)
Fairy Princess
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