there is many fish in the ocean try to find the right one.8. And he said, "The person is like a wise fisherman who cast his net into the sea and drew it up from the sea full of little fish. Among them the wise fisherman discovered a fine large fish. He threw all the little fish back into the sea, and easily chose the large fish. Anyone here with two good ears had better listen!"

http://www.gnosis.org/naghamm/gosthom.html

I am very aware of comments like "there are other fish in the sea". Yes, I know this, in the post I mentioned already catching a few. But even when I was with other people her presence would 'bother' me. Not because I want her back, not because she wants me back, just bothered me.

My issue isn't being able to "move on". I could, been in a couple relationships since, and it isn't hard to fake or just roll with it. But I can't control if I feel satisfaction out of being in a relationship with a person. I can care about them deeply, greatly enjoy their company, etc.. but can't control the feel.

well snow stop faking. you said:and it isn't hard to fake or just roll with it. i think the problem is that you see people that are fake or putting a mask. and now you do the same and you don't like it so you feel no satisfaction from it. and that is what is disturbing you. but that is what i see. go in your self and see what it is. meditate and you will find the answer.

I am having difficulty expressing myself in a manner that allows you to understand what I am intending to explain.

You suggested "there are other fish in the sea" I responded "I'm aware, I've done it, I can still do it, but I don't because it isn't 'real'." I don't do this, because it isn't something that I think is fair to the other person nor something I particularly enjoy for myself. My point wasn't that I continue to fake it because I have no other options, my current course of action is to just stay away from romance. Which is fine, and I'm happy with it, but I'd like to get over her..

That was a little bit more forward than I intended it to be, but I suppose being blunt is the easiest way to explain how I feel.

Sweetie - I get that. There is nothing wrong with feeling love. In fact, in time - when you think of her; that will be ALL you feel. You'll just remember the good times. I'm NOT saying you should condone what she did to you - NOT at all and you do NOT and should NOT tolerate someone's wrongful behavior.. You have to let it go - you have to set yourself free. Forgiveness is about healing wounds and when you do; you will not be a VICTIM of those painful past experiences. Right now you are in a prison of your own making.

Open your heart and try to feel compassion for her and yourself. Why did she do this to you? Is she an injured soul too? How did you attract this? Forgiveness means that you do not hold others responsible for your experiences. I promise you; someday you will think of her as one of your greatest teachers. Learn from this and listen to your intuition.

@snow - it's very brave of you - BUT - if you want too; go ahead and delete your comment - it is very personal.

The thing is this: -I'm not mad at her -I accept that she is welcome to live her life how she wishes -I have voiced my concerns about her lifestyle choices as a friend, she appeared to have taken them to heart but then the situation worsened -I accept that she isn't going to listen -I acknowledge that the person I fell in love with no longer exists, and perhaps never did -I even admit that I am being completely illogical for still caring about her like that -But even with all of that, being able to say "I'm stupid for feeling this way", not WANTING to care about her, I can't make it go away.

And I don't feel the need to edit that out, it is personal, but that doesn't mean I can't feel comfortable sharing it here. Others have shared much more personal information that I have learned from, maybe my story will help someone else. And at the very worst I don't believe anyone will be reading this who I need to be concerned about. It's relatively hidden, in an already relatively safe environment.

@Snow - Try this: It is very helpful and works for worry - at least for me

Repeat over and over like a mantra - NOT Helpful! Not Helpful! Not Helpful! whenever you start feeling those feelings.

I know you are NOT mad at her; you are mad at yourself. Forgive yourself and you will release the hurt...

-_- What makes you think I'm mad at myself? ... I'm only annoyed by your assumption because it is correct. But I don't believe that all things should be forgiven so easily, especially as it pertains to myself. I hold myself to different standards, because why would I want to be like everyone else? I made mistakes, and they definitely aren't as big of a deal as I make them sound in this comment, but to they are mistakes I never want to make again.

I don't think that my issues with my own choices are what are preventing me from stopping my feelings towards her. I could be wrong, however

@Snow - I need to know you'll be ok. A year is a very long time to mourn. On other threads; you've mentioned being depressed and you've been on many of the suicide threads. Years ago, my cousin who just turned 18 was dumped by his girlfriend. When his mom came home from work; she found him laying on the couch - he had taken his life with a gun. Since it has been over a year - I think you would benefit from counseling - more than you can get here on IQ - no matter how well intentioned our advice it - we are not trained counselors.

"I don't think that my issues with my own choices are what are preventing me from stopping my feelings towards her. I could be wrong, however"

ok - what is preventing you?

The reason I know you are mad at yourself is because I've held myself to those same high standards. I blamed myself because I thought I should have known - I'm the smart one. Take your power back and stop being the victim.

I'm actually already OK. I went through my dark phase shortly after we split up. The reason I'm active on suicide threads is because it's something I have had issues with in the past, and I suppose I feel like that might give me a better vantage point than some.

I've absolutely and irrefutably grown out of that stage, and detest myself for ever reaching that point. However, it was a very good learning experience for me, and it's helped me help a few different friends in real life, and not just on that topic but also those who cut themselves and things like that.

And regarding the question 'what IS preventing me': I have absolutely no freaking idea, and that's the only thing that genuinely aggravates me out of all of this. Logically I know it's stupid for dozens of reasons, emotionally I don't even have interest in her anymore, nor even physically really [mostly because I think her activities are 'gross' to avoid using a more harsh word].

At this point my issues are simply I still dream about her [nightmares], and my heart still drops sometimes if I hear certain songs or are around her or friends, certain memory stimuli, etc.

I've pretty much concluded that time is all I can rely on at this point, and so that's what I'm doing until I find a better option. Sure, I ask people informally for suggestions or input, try to learn from what they have to say, see if applying it helps, and a lot of the time it does.

But I am fine, I'm a relatively well rounded person most of the time, not depressed in a manner that is gunna hurt anything beyond me having difficulty holding a 9-5 job cuz of sleep issues.

Like I said, generally speaking my disposition is always positive when I'm communicating with or around other people.

@Snow - You said you've had issues with depression since you were young. I still strongly suggest talk therapy. Since you gravitated to a spiritual site; I think you instinctively know this may be a spiritual crisis.

@Snow A spiritual counselor may be advisable. What I know works for many is talk and walk therapy. Every morning, at the SAME time, rain or snow, you and a spiritual advisor or someone you trust, walk for an hour each and every day - NO matter what! If the other person cannot make it for whatever reason - YOU walk anyway. It will soon become a healing ritual. (OR, you can even do it alone) Get in touch with Nature and Mother Earth

@Snow - I'll take you at your word - you're ok. Last night, I was imagining how alone you must feel - losing both the love of your life and your BEST friend. You have so many issues to resolve and trust must be huge one. I'm guessing you are about 20; therefore this has taken up a quarter of your life and sadly, it's become your identity. STOP being so hard on yourself!!

@Snow The death of my friends son a week ago is still fresh in my mind. On Monday, I lost 2 friends; both in the prime of their lives, to cancer. They lived only minutes from one another and they died within minutes of one another. (It does make you wonder) Soooo, make the most of today, Snow - Don't worry about tomorrow and find a way to let go of your painful yesterdays and think about what I said; especially about identity.

Well. To be completely honest, I refuse to [formally] see a therapist only because I'm one of those "If I can't do it myself then I need to try harder" kind of people, though I take it to extremes that I would never encourage anyone (even myself, if I could change myself) to follow.

It is a core part of my nature, something that I can't and wouldn't want to change even if I could.

Spiritual counselors I have many, some of whom aren't even aware I classify them as such. Where do you think[...

I get all of my stories from? ^_^

I love the 'walk and talk' idea, and I do actually do that whenever an opportunity arises, with anyone who is willing to participate. Not necessarily walking either, just spiritual talks, or even talks about anything else.

Yes, I did feel very alone, but I've always felt this way. That wasn't meant to sound melodramatic, just to imply that I feel that I am very 'different' from most people, especially those I am surrounded by regularly.

As for getting in touch with myself and nature and mother earth, absolutely. I regularly meditate, indoors and out. I even made myself a cool little grassy area next to a creek that is hidden away by a little path, a very personal place for me that I enjoy. Your suggestion is a very good one, and that's why I do things like that. And go walking, dancing, yoga, etc. Your estimate was close, I am 22. And yes, my ex was and still is the person who was the closest to me for the longest period.

As for my trust issues.. they started in my youth and have persisted ever since, and I really don't want to get into them here because I'm afraid the only response I will get is along the lines of: "Well, you've clearly been manifesting people to make you not trust them since you were born and need to stop it" and that kind of advice isn't particularly useful to me.

See, I really hate talking about my 'issues' because I feel like it comes off as something that I'm looking for attention about, and I'm really not. My demons are my own, and they are my issue to deal with. I gladly offer help to others with their problems, because I enjoy it, but it just is weird to me to even discuss stuff like my trust problems because then people try to 'help' and are upset when they aren't able to instantly find solutions to something that has troubled me for two decades.

Or they take offence when I point out I've tried their suggestions before and they didn't help me, or they already did help me but reached their limits of how much they could help.

I find it is more beneficial for me to just listen to what people have to say and learn from it what I can, and through that method I've learned a huge amount about myself from you personally, this website, and countless others who weren't even TRYING to help me.

I'm sorry about your losses, my wishes go out to your loved ones and hope the best for all of you.

I thank you again for everything you've said and shared, both in this conversation and more importantly for just being yourself. I spend some spare time reading answers and questions from different users here, some speak to me more than others. I find that people are often the most helpful to me when they are simply doing what comes naturally to them, not on my behalf. Thanks again. ^_^y

well snow meditate i tell you. i know that you do not believe or think that it can help you. but then use this to fuel your self to meditate until you reach it and it is solve. when your mind will see throught those veils you will see how this small problem was not a big problem after all.

"well snow meditate i tell you. i know that you do not believe or think that it can help you."

You must not have read that conversation.. I do meditate, daily. I love to meditate. I spend my alone time in one of three ways: On the computer (video games, chatting, forums like this, etc), exercising in way way or another (often coupled with meditating), or meditating. Sometimes static meditation, other times coupled with yoga or body resistance isometric exercises in fluid motions similar...

... in appearance to doing a kata or tai chi. I love meditating.

I'm assuming the only reason you think that I don't meditate is because I asked a question about "What do I do when meditating doesn't help my anger", and that was an isolated incident that was very, very unusual for me. Normally meditating helps me work through all that ails me, and that question was meant to read "What do I do when meditating NORMALLY works great but CURRENTLY is actually exacerbating my problem."

I wish I was capable of allowing meditating to fix this problem for me. (For all I know meditating could work, I'm just not personally able) I would have been over my problems when I started meditating, around the age of 14. ^_^y

Thank you for the suggestion though. =)

yes you would have. experience and enjoy.