I felt like this should be my first question because initially when joining I had/have many - but my thought processes have kept me from asking anything thus far; until now, that is.

A little bit about me:

• I have exactly one friend who lives in another state. I talk to her a couple times a week, but only when she has time. She's pretty busy with work and other stuff.
• Other than her, I only talk to my husband and sometimes my mom.
• My mom drives me crazy. I think she has Narcissistic Personality Disorder and I really can't be around her too long, or even talk to her at length because most of what she has to say to me is either negative, critical or judgmental of me, my friend, my husband, his friends and our family. She can be nice and helpful and overall she is not a bad person, but her behavior hasn't changed and sometimes she is unapologetic about the things she says or does and I feel that the best thing I can do is just to stay away from her. Too bad she lives next door.
• I wish I could talk to my dad more but he's become more and more...I'm not sure how to put it. I don't want to say empty, but he has had a very hard life and he's going to be 82 years old on Sunday (I'll turn 30 the same day). He was recently diagnosed with lung cancer. I love him very much but the situation with my mom has made it very hard to spend time or even talk with him, and sadly, most of what he has to say is melancholy, sad and depressing (he talks about dying, never getting to see Belize again and what to do with his body etc..).
• I have siblings but they are not close. They are from my mom's first marriage and no one talks to each other. I only hear about them from my mom - usually in a complaint.

I think the about encompasses the people in my life.

I only have one friend in my life because over the years the people I have met haven't quite understood me, were not as nice as they seemed or have lived too far away (I've had a lot of online friends before). I've very sensitive. Anything can make me cry in sympathy/empathy. Commercials, shows, pictures, thoughts, other people's display of emotions, stories, songs, just whatever. And I hate for anyone to see me cry. I hide it from anyone who might see. I even feel silly doing this by myself. I even get really out of breath if I'm really happy about something. This does not happen often but it can be a real mess if I can't calm down.

This might be why I handle negativity or my heightened feelings the way I do. If something bothers me I usually keep it to myself unless it's just something silly or petty. My poor husband will hear these rants for a while. It's mostly just me working through my feelings and he doesn't really say anything to me. This is ok until I really need feedback and he can't because he can't relate to me. He also has a very stressful job so at the end of the day he doesn't have much left to provide the area of emotional support, and frankly, I need a lot.

In cases like this I really wished I had a close friend or anyone really that I could feel completely comfortable sharing these feelings with. The problem is that I don't feel comfortable sharing a lot of my really deep feelings much less my negative ones with people because efforts in the past have gotten me quizzical looks, rudimentary advice that I know is provided to the best of their ability or even distancing.

Because of this I spend a lot of time in self-reflection trying to get a good handle on my feelings, negative or otherwise. Sometimes my emotions are so intense that I've had to curl up into the fetal position. The horrible fits of despair and sadness passed a long time ago. I've become really good at "erasing" those thoughts and emotions before they start (I mentally wipe away a table or wall in my mind until it is white). This is good and all but doesn't do much for insistent or unresolved problems that keep coming back, especially in relation to things that happen that involve my mom.

What I do instead is either write emails that never get sent or blog entries that never get published. After I've written most or all of how I feel, I delete them. I used to have facebook and the desire to post something about these feelings was always strong but I would never write anything about them, instead only posting happy things, if I felt like it or nothing at all because I felt just posting for the sake of it was insincere (I've left facebook because I felt it was an insincere place to begin with..). This same desire happens with anything that I use or have used in the past - the status bar. I think I posted something once when I was really feeling overwhelmed and someone immediately de-friended me. I know this is all silly but it's this sort of thing that makes me withdraw further away from people.

So, I've decided that my negative thoughts and feelings and my deep complex emotions are not for others to experience or witness because I've found that the people that I've come in contact with thus far haven't been able to or haven't wanted to try to understand them. My one friend does, but like I mentioned earlier, she is very busy. Otherwise, I don't like to burden anyone with these emotions because I understand that it is no one's responsibility to try to understand me or to comfort me with my problems. I try to keep all of this as self-contained as I can so I don't effect anyone or dampen their spirits. I think this thought about all stops me from sharing the most. Ironically, I enjoy helping people with their problems and I love to listen and help them sort through their emotions and such since I feel a deep connection with those emotions and feelings.

This question/post is probably the most I've shared with anyone in years and honestly I'm very uncomfortable with this. I'm actually in tears because I'm afraid to post this but I'm also afraid not to. How am I supposed to change if I don't try?

So, after a very long post, is what I am doing helpful or harmful to me? Or am I going about it the wrong way?

Sorry if I got the tags wrong!