I won't be making other questions but I have to get this off my chest. I don't know if there is any answer anyone can give me that would give me any sense of relief or direction but I'm making the question just for the sake of making it, maybe The Universe will reply some other way.

I remember that I have in the past gone through periods of what I could only describe as a calm euphoria. Periods of certainty, trust, confidence. Periods of just going with the flow and feeling generally good. If what I felt in those periods wasn't "being in the vortex" I don't know what is. My posts here may have given the impression that I'm always complaining or focusing on the negative but that is not the case.

However, I am finding it is getting difficult to feel truly good and pretty much impossible to sustain that feeling. The heart of it lies in my awareness of the past; I remember that I failed and I have come to expect failure. While in the past I could overcome that expectation by deliberately focusing on a positive expectation, by dreaming of a better future, it now feels like my dreams are dead and unreal.

I think the core of this may be the sense that I am now too old, that I am running out of time. The sense that I can just pick myself up and try again is fading. My life did not go as I had hoped; I basically feel like I did not live the last 15 years. When I say I feel old people think that is odd because they see someone still in their twenties but I say that from the perspective of a person that on a mental level, is still around twelve and looking forward to his teens and growing into adulthood.

It feels like someone stole a huge chunk of my life. I'm not saying anyone else is to blame, I know I did it to myself but now I carry this weight of guilt in me for having stolen a child's future, for being both the victim and the perpetrator. When I would go in search of a gun to give up on life what stopped me was thinking of that child as another person, the one person I felt I had victimized and had no right to abandon.

This is actually the only reason I turned to all of this "law of attraction" stuff, because I had to find a way to redeem myself and there was no way in the "natural" world. I didn't get to the law by reading books, watching the secret or anything, I felt it and deduced it intuitively and only some time later (over an year) did I start reading the material. When I talk of the modeling thing or being a playboy or whatever, those are the ways I can see to make up for what I deprived myself of without asking for a Disney movie type miracle. I am just trying to abandon the constant and fruitless struggle I went through in the past, having my mind focused on things that I didn't really care about but thought were important and give that child, myself, the life he deserves, because I love him and he shouldn't have to be stuck with the mess I created.

So what happens is that I feel heartbroken not so much because I failed this or that time but because every year I fail puts me further away from anything I would consider a success. It's not a pain I can just let go of because it constantly renews itself. It's getting hard to see in the future, from where I am, anything worthwhile. Time feels like an enemy, not a friend. Even Neville with all his "there are no limitations" and "all things are possible" takes the fact that we age for granted. He speaks of being restored upon death and my thoughts are that I want nothing in this life anymore and only hope his belief is true and that I can have a fresh start, without loss of identity.