A couple of days ago my partner and I were asked out to lunch with a woman we just met and we regarded it as a great opportunity to get to know some new people. Making arrangements, we spoke to the 'hostess' on the phone and when referring to her partner a couple of times she said "he looks odd - but he's OK" ... We arrived at their house at midday and they were drinking wine - and he seemed quite drunk.

She offered wine and we shared a bottle with the hostess and then walked with them to a nearby cafe for lunch. The host had been drinking large mugs of cask wine at home while we shared the bottle with the hostess. The host had another bottle of wine to himself at lunch and he could hardly walk home - what we found disturbing was that over the four hours we were with them he became more and more abusive to the hostess - shouting obscenities at her and telling her to shut up. We didn't say anything and rode it out, feeling for the hostess who was obviously uncomfortable and kept apologising for his behviour and saying that he has medical problems.

When she called us the next day (we were surprised to hear from her!) she asked whether they hadn't been "too feral for us". What is puzzling us is - why did we keep staying when the situation was becoming more and more uncomfortable and surreal, and why did we reassure the hostess the next day that there was no problem? Is it because we both grew up in households where there was anger and violence and we learned to keep a low profile and therefore stay out of trouble?

The hostess paid for lunch before we had the opportunity to contribute and we feel some obligation to return the hospitality, but we cannot imagine spending any more time with them. Unfortunately we are also continually referring back to the experience and wondering why we behaved the way we did ... and are seeking any guidance on 'feeling better'. We like to feel that we are honest with people - but this time we seem to have contributed to a situation that we did not intend.