I had several attempts to ask a comprehensive question and to the point on here, but every time I write, everything that troubles me seems to appear in the question, topics swing wildly and I can't seem to get to the point of actually posting it; I end up saving the draft, and starting a new question on a different day. It's nice to see that whatever I have been immediately digging up on Google and on here actually had a lot of my questions answered; and it seems I am following in the footsteps of many users on this forum, and yet I am unable to contain my questions as they occur, and like a child, I hurriedly write them down, impatiently seeking answers, putting my life on hold. Yet if I only were to research further and somehow come to peace that answers will come.

Anyway, horrendously long 'something of a question' below which I hope serves me in writing the answer, whoever reads it and maybe whoever answers it and then back to me and readers to benefit from it further.

For many months now, I think something in this shape or form of a mantra (i.e. FEEL GOOD NOW) has been emerging towards the end of last year. I am an obsessive thinker and a perfectionist tormented by the same subject for many years, now somehow I have reached THIS. But it hasn't been working. Too much more information comes to light, even though I still stand by the truth of feeling good. Just a bit of background...

At some point at the end of last year, while writing my diaries (still haven't figured out if I was compelled to or if I even enjoyed it, because a lot of problems arise when you document everything in your life, obsess about details, try to remember everything and never stop questioning...so yeah not having much fun practising any... except I am better than I was, but still, stuck with a problem that just doesn't seem to go away), it occured to me to just commit/tell myself to follow a rule I set for myself in a radical uncompromising way, because if the rule was to be taken faithfully (just like someone's faith in the law of attraction), then it should be applied in every way possible, so I figured by obeying it, I would somehow feel my way whether I need to question anymore and somehow sort out my obsessive thinking and writing and remembering and fear of forgetting ways. So if 'nothing is more important than feeling good now' was to be applied 100%, then it should just take over and make my decisions (or rather my decisions will be filtered through it). So I closed my diary, and something amazing began to happen: I was focusing on what I was doing and I experienced what could only be described as make belief...I was making things happen by virtue of disallowing all resistant thoughts, no matter what (the types that would typically throw me out of the vortex or quite quickly begin to make me feel worse so that you do eventually feel in the old familiar place - on low vibes). Somehow it became more mechanical by the end of the night, the whole leaping and releasing resistance no matter what it is, without processing, all the **** that I would otherwise feel compelled to think about but no longer enjoyin and tired and just wanting to live life. At some point next day I felt that I could enter the vortex in one deep breath doing this weird abstract thing which I basically can never replicate no matter how I described it in my diaries.... It's a struggle to capture things accurately and perceive them from a different vibrational state; as if it's mostly pointless to document your high vibes because you can't properly capture them, and even if you do, the writing doesn't speak out the experience with feelings as you were experiencing them at the time; mostly because you're not on the same frequency when you're reading it. Goes without saying I found myself out of that crazy high vibe soon enough...noon/afternoon next day.

It was genuinely a revealling experience to be able to just leap no matter what; I describe it as something that you realise you have to leap, but it isn't obvious and you're quite reluctant to do it when you're outside the vortex; the feeling when you're there cannot be perceived/imagined from the outside, and it doesn't help knowing that you have to do it because you've written about it and know that things will sort themselves out once you're there...many times in the vortex, I document in my diaries to just go for it, to leap and release all resistant thoughts, no matter what. When I am low, I am unable to get back up; I lose faith down in the whole thing, and only when I get into the vortex once in a very rare while, I realise why I am there and only then it makes sense, but something always manages to trip me up and throw me out of there unless I have one of those 'no matter what' attitudes (achieved after repeated failures and then getting mad at myself and saying "that's it").

As I was writing this, I had this weird realisation. It's amazing to acknowledge how much I have come in terms of all this; reality analysis, thought, law of attraction... Even though I don't think I am supposed to know any better...I guess this is high up, and we perceive it as normal because we're all in this together, in the reality we share - on a common frequency, but perhaps we are naturally accimilated to not perceive/realise other realities we were living in. Just imagine how far we've come, we may have been in a more primitive world before (say even six years ago) where none of this was known, but we take it for granted... I think this is hugely difficult to see; it's like an illusion (to think of your past and trully appreciate where you're now in comparison... in terms of how you think about your reality)

I can't quite perceive how dumb I could have been before. Maybe there isn't time and it's just a moment we experience where time exists... ?? I just cant perceive how dumb I could have been before...I have just had a glimpse of that old reality, but there is only now...the world has changed and I find myself in a new world, that exists alongside the old world (or not hehe); I understand something many do not, but all of you do. Now I reconstruct what my reality may have been, as I had a momentary glimpse of it when my brain was firing away, that it must have been a world that I was living in that didn't have such understanding as I do now, about reality creation; and what world am I living in now, if you could compare my level of thinking back then? What reality was I living in really? But there was history you say, in that reality, like memories of what happened, but it was viewed from that old perspective, it may not have even happened and were just memories, but who said I didn't inherit history when moving into this reality...did ww2 really happen, or was it just something that happens in this reality...and we believe it to be true...are you transporting consciousness or your memory is for one linear reality and there really no switching going on? Or is memory of a reality conditions the consciousness to fulfilling a reality that can suit (or is altered by) existing memories accumulated over different realities (vibrational frequencies), who knows if there are memories of vibrational states? I guess not, from experience you can't experience a vibrational state from recalling it from memory, just like you can't recall smells, you just recognise them; same with vibrational realities; you recognise them but you don't jump to them directly, you just follow contrast and choose what you think or not to think to improve the way you feel (and change your vibrational reality to match a new improved vibration - you may get different reality here, different smells you recognise but can't recall directly, you don't control that) and somehow from feeling good, what you want would magically begin to manifest, in this weird dreamworld you're generating... Must accept the present moment because it is the present reality with its own timeline, but if it is, why do hold on to the past, or am I in a reality in which I hold on to 'some past'? Must accept the present-moment reality as it is, because there is no other reality despite the false thoughts/memories that say otherwise (but again, they're part of the reality that I created; I created the reality with the confusion within it).

The mind is open to attack when you announce something bold. But I see being a writer as one of the realities that I could persue, but it's not what I want to get sucked into...why not! I could persue it if I didn't write this just now opening myself up to an attack. Must let go of words...and just write. Let the new flow... You could say you are living this reality not co-creating it with what you remember of your reality, but you are observing a physical space that others are also observing, and seeing the same planet and the same physical space... OR :) You are creating everything and you have the illusion that there is anyone else but you creating it all. So you share nothing with other physical beings? Who are they - am I talking to myself? So your response is also created by me. I am also creating this drama. Just think a little deeper (because there will always be a deeper way) is that this is just 1 notch above the 'you create what you think', just how radical and just how much you create, this is will go as far as you are able to go....

Next day after writing the above, I've just read http://www.inwardquest.com/questions/12226/is-it-really-possible-to-shift-into-a-parallel-reality-with-a-different-past Stingray has been nailing these thoughts! What a boffin! And here I got a bit depressed and lonely, but thank God others think along these lines!!

And I know that to feel good, no matter what, is the way to go, but I don't know for sure all of a sudden, because there is a way to observe that pattern of yourself and see a level deeper; like that you are creating everything including the role of vibration, the law of attraction and your feeling good mechanism, all you creating it. As if it's another reality that you created and hold yourself prison to, and that you can think yourself out of it? Such deep thinking go beyond feeling good and that you're creating your reality; such thoughts sit at the back of my head that eat away at my ability to enjoy life. I guess I should be asking myself this fundamental question: am I enjoying it? Is a part of not ready to just enjoy life and seeks purpose of a higher level; something within those questions and answers? A part of me is thinking my way out of the whole feeling good paradigm, and I feel I am constantly breaking away from that. How can I do everything via "feeling good", how can I place that principle above everything else and explore life without consciously violating that principle? There has to be a way to firmly never doubt this. After all, fast vibration allows for higher quality thinking, and fast vibration means feeling good; can anything sit deeper than that understanding; that feeling good means everything? What am I missing, what am I not trusting?

Questioning this leaves me destroyed, bitter, depressed, lonely... I feel that my ability to think beyond the loa/feeling good (whether it is ultimately flawed or not is another story) is causing this. I don't think I have a limit to the depth of my thoughts at times, and it can give such a horrible sinking feeling :(

...

Really sorry to have put it all out here. ... By the way, I feel like what would others describe as channeling, but to me, this is just sometimes thinking on a higher than normal level, and what you say is accurate and delivered smoothly. It's just a tuned up brain thinking and reasoning and asking questions on a higher level. I do that when people engage me on passionate subjects and I feel good and in the mood, it just pours out of me, and the same in writing. The reason I think that I am not really channeling, is because I sometimes ask questions too - if I ask questions, then I am not channeling some high intelligence that is supposed to answer everything. No one has all the answers; it's ignorance and chasing a lie to believe someone does; some have solutions to many questions and a knack of turning questions into answers that they can provide to give an illusion that they have all the answers, or that all the answers are almost in the bag, but it's all just you creating an illusion of people who appear to know these answers...but have to face the facts. I don't know; food for thought. ... I think I suffer from compulsive writing (Hypergraphia), depression and bi-polar! I've been writing a lot, on my PC at home, at work, on my phone, on paper...I type very fast and just let things pour out...I don't think I want to be doing it, or I can't seem to find a balance between when it is enjoyable and when it becomes an annoyance or an exhausting habit... what is the purpose of writing anyway? Why do people enjoy channeling and writing stuff... surely it should be rooted in desire and joy; like everything... but things get very confusing when you do things compulsively.

I seem to be unable to deal with new questions and constant analysis of ideas and concepts, integrating my experiences as I go along. The problem is I feel that whenever a new question pops up, I feel resistance; it makes me question things. Perhaps I do want to analyse and write, and that there is some resistance mixed in it that I associate with it, but perhaps I genuinely do want to analyse, to question, to write? Is it a trust in emotions problem? When I get new questions, I feel that they're legitimate questions/observations, but at the same time they mess up my current frequency and typically throw me out of the vortex. Is there a way to navigate questions and within questions so not to trip up what you already know, or is this something I will just have to try for myself and make up my mind and wholly commit or??

I somtimes think it's the years of quesitoning everything, writing it down, or when not writing, trying to remember and fearing forgetting... what is basically a habit of thought, so its just compulsion or a habit that i developed in the brain that's more of a mechanical issue rather my inability to commit? I.e. is it just compulsiveness or habit of the mind to question (hence feeling unpleasant), or are questions natural, just to avoid resistant ones, or avoid resistance as number 1 rule, as fast as possible, no matter how brutal the thought release?

Should I find a perspective or a way to deal with my questions and compulsive writing and remembering, or should I just let all resistance go and along with it all the questions, or maybe I should just take a break? It's just sometimes I am in the gym or in the sauna relaxing, my thoughts start to pour, and I feel compelled to write them but I can't, so I try to remember... and I don't enjoy the process at all. Should I let go of the things that I would want to remember, and just be in the moment...should I just think about something and let the conclusion go? If you say, that I could write it down later, and I say that I fear that I would forget what it is, and sometimes there are way too many things, does anyone have a good way? So should I let it all go and write whatever I do remember, without getting upset at what's lost, or just not bother writing anything at all? Is there a point in writing your thoughts, your reasoning, your conclusions? There should be joy in the thinking and the writing, no? I often find myself writing and enjoying it, and it feels like I am channeling higher consciousness (just me tuned up to higher frequencies), but there comes a point where it is inappropriate, compulsive, obsessive and exhausting, so I lose the joy in the now, and then it takes over my life. I prefer to talk (to others) and let go, if I am able, because the flow is faster, it's interactive. Then during my thinking or talking, something can trip me up, like an important piece of information that I want to remember. I feel if I were able to let go of some pieces of information that I feel compelled to write/remember (like say, I was talking and it came out with some clarity, and you know it sounded good and it seems important to remember), I would flow so much better; but some things just trigger this weird fear of forgetting and if I don't let it go immediately, it would start to eat at my brain and destroy my flow. Can I salvage my flow, my writing, my talking, and just release of all need to write/capture - which is the possible resistance in all this or am I thinking about it the wrong way?

What sort of response do I want on here? I feel that I have a say in that too.. I feel that I must focus on my intention, not on what your response would be or what I want it to be. I hate thinking that I create everything; it makes life boring, as if creating life without any surprise in it.

I wrote most of it in a certain state of mind, and often when I wake up, I get frustrated so I either put it away or delete it. This time it's out. I hope I haven't broken all the rules of this website.

Weird that I realise as I write the question, I know the answer, and I just don't want to choose it. I am asking the question because I am toying with myself. But I suspect I will soon find myself in a default reality of some sort and i will be convinced that I am very familiar with it, but perhaps it's a reality I find myself in and maybe never have been in before.

When I feel that I am going to practice 'feeling good now' as much as possible, without allowing myself to think resistant thoughts and just kind of hoping my desires/what I want, would let themselves known, you know, 'cork floating' anaology by Abraham... I didn't like how 'feel good now' sounded like a rule, because you wonder if you're supposed to always do things to feel good now, yet even asking that kind of question prompts me to feel negatively, indicating I am just being awkward! To feel good means to do whatever you want to feel good. But I settled for this argument: emotions is all we (I) have to guide us (me) in this lifetime - there is nothing else (it is really a state we are just currently experiencing and not recognising our current reality from the the 'previous', but the history of it all is just an illusion/a memory)....Don't even care about manifesting, just want to be able not to think about what's upsetting me.

I can't seem to answer for sure if 'feeling good' is all that I want in my life, and I can't certainly say if I my writing/questioning/thinking is all that bad. I can't keep my thoughts steady on one subject, so not much gets done in my life for a few years now.

Can the law of attraction and feeling good unravel my problem? I think I have to do so many things, and there are so many things potentially useful, but it's overwhelming. E.g. exercise, sleeping better, napping during the day, meditation, vitamins (vit-c/msm), eating healthy, fasting, maybe doing full body cleanse, maybe taking a big break from it all, maybe smoking some pot. I sometimes feel so naughty for writing something, and my old philosophy was to write if I want to, but don't get fixated on words/perfecting the text, just let it go; basically "not allowed to feel bad" no matter what. But somehow it's the first bit: not being sure if I want to write or it's some compulsive habit!

Should my ultimate point of question be whether any of this is improving my life, whether I feel good about it or not, and brutally disregard everything else?

The answer a part of me wants to hear is 'leap! you know what to do!'

It all has been a bit much, don't know what I want, what to do...I guess I want clarity. I am overwhelmed with all the notes, lists, writing, analysing, questioning, trying to remember, turning all my conversations to everyone about THIS, being a pain in my own backside.

It's like I consider 'feeing good' a way of being that I don't have to 'use'; yet before I can think beyond the 'vortex' if there is such an absurd idea, I need to get into it; and since I always find myself falling back on some default unpleasant reality/vibration, it might as well be vortex. I might as well cultivate my abilities to get into the vortex, as it's a much more pleasant realm.

By the end of writing up this verbal diarrhoea, I feel like 'VORTEX! Screw everything else' , 'be happy and f** all this Ah, but if only happiness did not depend on (or such is my illusion at different states of mind) answers and resolution of complex thoughts...and apparent need for clarity. Questions will never stop, will they, so what to do? If I want to focus in the moment and if I can't afford the time to think/do something, I could 'offload' what pops into my head for later by writing it down, like a 'to-do' list, I still miss the moment and these lists tend to grow big... If I write, I miss the moment... documenting is not living, if I try to capture it all, I am not focused in the present, not allowing the new to flow; and since it always flows, what's the point of capturing it; it's like capturing itself within itself. How can I make my exploration fun, the questions fun, the analysis fun?

All of the questioning can feel painful as they can dehumanise you and everything around you. I guess I need to be more human, and enjoy life, enjoy relationships of opposite sex (but that's a pile of confusion right there). And a part of me wants to be human and enjoy life...I hope my spiritual journey will become fun soon.

I want change, I want to flow, I want to kick the proverbial ass...

I know I push it too far with this long and ridiculous post, but it has been an eternal struggle, but I know many will relate to this, and maybe we all can hopefully progress a little somehow.

Phoa, I feel a little better :)