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I have spent a lot of time this year learning about being kind to myself. I am used to forgiving others for most anything they say or do, and now I've been learning to forgive myself. Finding out I'm not so bad after all. I know when something seems awful, that I can pivot on it, and decide that it is ok, or even wonderful.... I just can't wait to find out how! I know there is no help in getting down about things - the solution doesn't lie in negativity, whatever it is. Given all of that self-empowering progress, there is one brick wall I have been running up against on occasion, as I am now, and I don't know what to do or how to approach it.... What if what I have done really was wrong? What if I have hurt someone? What if I was the one who said or did something thoughtless or just plain stupid? I'm afraid I have. I think I may have hurt someone I care about, just through not thinking clearly, through reacting from a place of insecurity, through opening my big mouth. I didn't even consult my own heart. Thought I was protecting his, but it looks now like I didn't. I behaved in ways I say I dislike when I see others do it. Cowardly. What the hell can I do? I can't pivot and make it ok to hurt someone I love. It isn't ok. I've done focus blocks, but I am only getting to the point where I can say honestly that I didn't mean to hurt anyone. Any advice you have for me would be much appreciated. This is bothering me. Thank you. Edit 11/29/12 Thank you all for your answers and comments so far. I have a lot of confusion about this, and conflicting feelings, and of course that mess was reflected in the muddled nature of my question, I apologize. Of course, were I able to think clearly about this, I would not have come here with it. I try to spare you the details of my personal situations so as not to bore you all too much, but if you want to know, read on. If not, there is no reason to bother, and thank you again for your suggestions. I should have said in my question that I am not in a romantic relationship. There is no one to leave me. I believe I have mishandled someone's feelings, and feel I should have done so much better. I have tried to talk about it, but receive a clear "no". The subject is closed as far as he is concerned, and I have to respect that. There's nothing else to say. I'm sure I'm over thinking, @ele, of course you're right. Its an internal struggle, and an old one. I've been here many times before. I cause it by trying to do the right thing, and not the real thing, by not consulting my heart before I speak. @CalonLan, you're also right, because I'm hiding. My question is about how I can alleviate that pain in me, the disappointment in myself, not really the situation. I want to feel better about it, because I know if I keep my vibration high, and keep love and harmony in my mind, the problem will pretty much solve itself. My issue is, I don't know how to feel better about it - what can I say to myself to make a real mistake ok within my mind and heart? @releaser99, your answer does help me inch toward this, thank you. This man has been in two very unhappy marriages, and is now single again. He is a very sweet and loving person, and treats women very well, but somehow manifests real misery for himself. He and I have known each other a little while, and know each other's histories even more, due to both of us confiding in a mutual friend of long standing. He came to me with his feelings and fears about trying to start a new relationship, because he knows a bit of the experiences I've had, that I am also single but willing to date, and because we do have a mutual, sincere affection for one another. I reacted out of fear that he was talking about a relationship with me. I was afraid it would ruin our friendship, or that I would hurt him unknowingly because he has been through so much, and because I believe that he needs more time on his own before trying to start something new. I am also seeing more clearly now, that I am terrified for myself as well. I am sorry to say, what came out of me must not have been helpful, and it may have been very hurtful. As I said in my question, I did not consult my heart. I cared, but gave him a mainstream, politically correct answer. If I'd listened to my heart, it would have said that he is a lovely man, and if I wasn't so frightened, I would think of dating him myself... but I did not have the guts to even think that, let alone say it. I don't really know if I ever would date this man, I don't even know if he was talking about me at all, but only after a month of wondering what the hell have I done, did I realize that I've run from someone beautiful, and probably killed the friendship let alone any possibility of anything more. I usually speak of the things that no one else will, because I hate taboo subjects, and love communication, honesty, and connection at a deep level with people. If I had feelings for someone who normally talks to me of such things, approached them and got a standard, cookie-cutter answer like that, it would hurt my feelings. So I failed myself, and hurt him. Also, I think it is possible that I may have done something somewhat similar to another friend more recently, which is just too weird - I would love to understand how the heck I am manifesting "hurt people who come to you in love and friendship". Seriously, WTF? All because I'm scared they may want to be closer to me? Ptttttht. Wonder why Grace is still single? LOL!!! I have mentioned before that I am sort of a runner. I seem to accomplish that in creative ways. Sabotage. Alienating people is easy, isn't it? Any advice on how to quit running would also be appreciated. I want to bring my vibration back up so that things will get better on their own, but don't know how when I can't see how it can be ok. I'm also aware that none of it matters to anyone but me, he has probably long dismissed it. I know that the second friend I mentioned probably isn't worried about it, so apologies don't have much of a place, anyway. Its me. Its all in my head. Perhaps its best to just forget it. It doesn't matter. All this is also coinciding with a change coming in my living situation that is making me feel vulnerable and alone, and is no doubt amplifying everything out of proportion. There's nothing really wrong. It doesn't matter. Thanks to everyone for their suggestions. I appreciate you. Love, Grace
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I would do a focus block on this topic. Here is what i would begin with. Perhaps you can feel a little bit truth in those statements and feel at least 1% relief.
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I really appreciate this, @releaser99. I did not have a clue as to how to proceed. It is amazing how muddled I can get when I'm upset. Thank you so much.
(29 Nov '12, 14:14)
Grace
@releaser99, I've been able to spend some more time with this answer, and I think it is really wonderful. The creative ways you have listed of getting throught the tiniest cracks in my unhappy thinking are amazing. I love #8. "and if I don't like it, I can take it back." Lol! The negativity in my mind keeps trying to argue, but just can't win against these gentle, incremental little rays of light. Really good to have on hand for any difficult Focus Block, I'm keeping this handy.
(29 Nov '12, 22:55)
Grace
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@Grace I'm glad to help. But i think you should take the initial statement and see if you can get to the core belief of it. At first glance you seem to think "i can't forgive myself, if i make a mistake/hurt someone." You can ask yourself "What would I have to believe is true about myself in my relationship to this situation to be experiencing what I am experiencing?"...
(30 Nov '12, 02:03)
releaser99
1
...This question i often found to be of value. If you can get to the core belief, focus blocks could do wonders for you. I think the initial belief would come down to something like "i have to punish myself by hating myself, otherwise i am a bad person." But it could also be something different. Only you know what the core belief is that is holding you back. It will help if you can work your way up to a belief that says "It is ok to forgive myself and others no matter what mistakes were made".
(30 Nov '12, 02:06)
releaser99
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I love your questions and answers, Grace. They are always so deep and honest, you open so many new ideas to all of us. :) It's important to remember that we are not perfect and we won't be perfect all the time- we all dip back into the negative sometimes. I have been unkind and unfair to ones I care for and I don't always cope well with it. It can be hard to deal with, because you know you're not yourself in those moments and it really isn't the other person's fault. I believe this is why it is so important to learn how to be happy within ourselves, because who else can guarantee us that joy? Anything from the outside has the potential to leave, and if our happiness is dependent upon that, it breaks. That's why our inner happiness is so powerful and unique- no one else has the power to break it or deter it unless we allow it. One thing that is clear with your question is that you truly care. This person means a lot to you and you hold a special place for them in your heart. Perhaps they may just need the comfort of knowing that it was nothing personal, that you do deeply care and what happened had more to do with you than it did them. Coming from my own experience, the things that hurt me the most were when I took something too personally and felt like it had something to do with me. I began to see in time that my friend was simply acting out of their own discord and that they were struggling, not attacking me. That alone made me feel better, to acknowledge that it wasn't because of me they were angry, but because things just weren't going well for them and they had trouble coping. It helps to see that, I believe. Perhaps it would help to show this person in some way that what happened had more to do with you than it did with them. Maybe it will help you heal. Remember the good things. Think back to your favorite moments with this person and just feel those memories again. :) Even doing this once in awhile helps me tremendously. Good luck, Grace. I hope this was helpful for you. :) Thanks @supergirl :)
(29 Nov '12, 08:19)
LapisLazuli
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Wonderful answer, @LapisLazuli. This is the second time in two days I've been reminded here it is so important to learn how to be happy within ourselves, because who else can guarantee us that joy? A clear message from a loving Universe, through beautiful people like you and @releaser99. :) Received, loud and clear. Thank you.
(29 Nov '12, 14:17)
Grace
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See if you can find some way to make it up to them, one that satisfies you, one that makes you feel that maybe you are compensating for the hurt you caused. It is possible to redeem yourself,@Grace! If it's not possible to make it up to that particular individual, find something that makes you feel that you are doing good in general. Then forgive yourself and try to learn from the experience :) 1
Thank you @Bedazzled. If I get the chance, I will gladly make it up to them. :) Possibly the very best thing that I can do is learn from this. Learn some more courage, I think.
(29 Nov '12, 14:13)
Grace
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Regrets we have from situations are our acknowledgments of lessons. Now have we to stop and ponder these lessons as you are doing now, we have clear opportunity to learn and grow. We can not fix the past it is gone, so any self torture over the past is a moot point and needs to be stopped. Once we cut someone we can put a bandage on it. It heals but there is a scar left there always. Take the Bible advice and be quick to listen and slow to speak and act. Next time let yourself settle down before answering. A good answer that is helpful comes from a place of peace and understanding. Understand this thought though, at the time you did the best you could with the ability and understanding you had. Pray for those you hurt, send love, peace and healing their way until you feel a release of peace within your being. We are all one as we help and heal others we help and heal ourselves, as we hurt and harm others as you have painfully found out the hard way, we as well hurt and harm ourselves. I'll pray for your peace and release Grace. @Wade Casaldi - Thank you. I appreciate your answer. We so often cast ourselves as the hero in our own stories, don't we? But right now, I am surprised at my own character, or rather lack thereof. I'm not proud of this, not my best day on IQ. If as you said I can learn and grow from what I've done, it seems like I can redeem myself, in my own eyes, anyway.
(29 Nov '12, 23:12)
Grace
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Grace you show more honor, courage, wisdom, and character right now than you realize. It takes a lot to examine where we went wrong, where we were less than we believed we should have been. Many might just say, "I wish this never happened but it wasn't my fault." The very fact that you feel this way shows you want to be better and are making effort to be a better person.
(30 Nov '12, 00:33)
Wade Casaldi
@Jai I agree, it is a very, very wise answer @Wade Casaldi
(02 Dec '12, 03:07)
ele
Thank you, @Wade Casaldi. As you probably guessed, this trouble with misunderstandings was something I caused due to a deeper problem, and I've been struggling a bit. Kind words are always wise to share, I believe - if they are sincerely felt. You just never know how badly their recipient may need to hear them.
(09 Dec '12, 01:32)
Grace
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@Grace re-edit, May I have 3 minutes and 30 seconds of your time right now? Sip a bit of good tasting tea to reset your mood and click the sing along link and sign along or at least try :)...but please, do really engage for 3 minutes and 30 seconds of your life. Then continue reading if you wish... Tea now... and then.. - ;) - I hope you don't understand neither French nor the meaning of the song. But if you really engaged in it and allowed the music surround your so that everything else went blurry and away in your mind, then by now you understand that neither understanding French nor the meaning of the song really matter. And at best you were humming along to the energetic beat of it. This song is like life itself. It's regardless whether you know what it's about or not, it's just beautiful. The problem you create for yourself is you think too much and live too little. You sing for a while and then wonder what is the meaning of what you just sang, or whether you sang it correctly... WHILE the song of your life is still playing on and tons of its musical beauty go unnoticed. If Albert Einstein said
Then let me re-phrase
You yourself recognize that it's just a perspective. A mind create illusion of reality. Now it's time to let go of thinking and start to experience living in the present. Or at least, if you think, think of what you are doing right now. Hopefully, I have showed you how to do that through that song and you'll be able to apply the same approach onto everything else. And you'll get to live just that, careless but with a smile on your face and joy in your heart. ;) You reminded me of a song I learned as a kid. There is more here than I learned http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KmXaCyK3y_k
(30 Nov '12, 13:11)
Fairy Princess
You can hear it better here http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BOSxRxGnJ6Y
(30 Nov '12, 13:12)
Fairy Princess
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I used to constantly second guess every interaction I had. I would tell myself how badly I had behaved, nit pick every detail and worry about it. Sometimes, I would call the person and appologize, and they would have no idea what I was talking about. I had done nothing wrong as far as they were concerned. My friend from church said that I shouldn't speak life into such things. I had heard them say that kind of thing at church. Then, I started manifesting things I didn't like. I remembered what my friend had said, and realized I had done it. So I started looking for things that would help stop the nagging voice in my head that sounded like my mom. Meanwhile, someone referred me to a woman who taught me EFT because of my accidents. I had one free session with her and never saw her again. I started watching videos online, I bought the training DVDs, etc... However, it hurt my shoulders, and could take rounds and rounds and rounds to work sometimes. I knew there were other ways out there, so I started looking. Then, I decided that I wanted to come up with my own healing technique. So I really started checking out healing modalities and the science behind it, like Bruce Lipton, Dawson Church, Gregg Braden, John L. Sarno, etc... And that is how I found IQ. In Feb, 2012, this year, I came up with EZ Deletion Sequence using the midline. In May, 2012, this year, I came up with Two Hands Touching. Then, in Sept. of this same year, I combined THT with EZ Deletion Sequence to what is now EZ Deletion Sequence. I have had amazing results with these. The only thing, is if I don't do it, it doesn't work. So, now when I feel that I have done something wrong, I ask myself if it is worthy of an appology. If so, I appologize, if not, I remind myself that I was doing the best that I could at the time. However that is just a bandaid if I don't believe the words. So I do THT when I need to stop the chatter, stop the mind and be still. I use EZ Deletion Sequence for specific emotions, people, etc... related to the issue. When I can't do THT, I sing outloud or in my head, "There's only good in this world, good and love! Only good, good and love good and love! Only love good and love good and love! There's only good in this world, good and love!" @Fairy Princess - I recognise the telling of your progress in my own life, which was surprised to find myself so tripped up by this; thought I was passed it. I've since realized that an underlying cause was throwing me off balance. I just wasn't solid and stable enough in my thoughts at the time to see this clearly and handle it well. I appreciate your answer, and your sharing the story of your own journey through. Thank you.
(09 Dec '12, 01:44)
Grace
@Grace you're welcome. I am glad it helped. Thank you for the reminder.
(09 Dec '12, 05:49)
Fairy Princess
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repent where you did a wrong, make a right that is equivalent or superior to what you did wrong. learn from your error and sin no more. the truth will set you free.so let there be light,be the light that you can be, experience and enjoy.
And how much of a problem exactly is it to approach that guy and explain yourself honestly?
Maybe you're holding deuces and playing 'em like aces. Afraid of the world finding out, you're looking for techniques of how to cover up your bluff even better, so that no-one ever get a clue. That's what you're doing right here.
Get out of your closet with open, honest heart. Most of the world will judge you, only few won't. Stick to the few, forget the rest.
Obviously you didn't do that yet, that's why you came here. Because you're afraid,and I can only guess, that it's being honest with him that you're afraid of, his reaction or judgement. If you hold him so dear, it's appears scary should he leave you.
But reality you live is just one of many possibilities. If this guy leaves you, there's another guy who wouldn't.
Living in lies and cover-ups will only make you suffer. Live honestly, regardless of how many relationships it may destroy.
I'm confused. Have you discussed this with him? If so, did you apologize and show remorse or is this conversation going on only in your head? (I know what that's like!) Women think different than men and if there is an age gap, even more so. What you are so worried about may not be any big deal to him. Is it possible you are over-thinking this? You said this was someone you love; he must love you too. Talk it out.
"Sin" - NO, @white tiger <shakin' head="">
@ele, oh please...women think differently than men. I would of thought we had been over this absurdity by now. Especially in a place like this.
@CalonLan - not all men are as evolved as you.
@ele,evolution is an individual matter,categorization with comparison following immediately after is just a way to create bubble of intellectual fluff.And prejudice,which is closely related to categorizing.
It might have been a smart man's intent to create simplified version of a complicated concept of understanding each other for average Joes to relate to.But dull people will relate to anything in dull way,regardless of its simplicity.
I suggest we steer clear of putting people into boxes.
Did you appologize? Have you tried EZ Deletion Sequence? What did you do it for?
@ele are you with out sin to cast the first stone? go and sin no more. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2k0RzhVJSxE
@CalonLan EVOLVED - development, progression, expansion, growth, transformation, advancement, improvement, enlarge, increase, to change, to improve, to adapt, evolution. To develop gradually. To develop by a process of evolution to a different adaptive state or condition, undergo evolutionary change, transform. EVOLVED
@white tiger What are you saying? You've sinned.
@white tiger - in order - yes, pretty much so, I was NOT casting any stones & you know as well as I do, what you said to Grace was NOT very nice.
@ele who is being the judge of this? so yes inside you are casting stone. and i said nothing wrong to grace.
@white tiger - I realize English is not your native language. I'm sure you did NOT mean to imply Grace's accidental unconscious remark, which may or may not have hurt this man's feelings, was a sin. I should have realized what I interpreted as a rude remark was NOT intentional on your part. (to be continued)
@white tiger - (continued) - Believe me when I say this - I was not casting stones or judging you. You & I do NOT define the words judgment, SIN or casting stones in the same manner. What you hear as a judgment, is me expressing my thoughts or an opinion.
When you tell me " go & sin no more", it sounds like you are calling me a sinner & I'm sure this was NOT your intent.
I see Bill asked a ? about "judgement"; perhaps I'll share my view there.
@Grace Just noticed your update. You do realize users do not get notification when another user edits comments, A or Q. Even though you addressed part of your edit to me, I did not receive it. Usually your Q's are very detailed; which is something I appreciate. Your edit cleared up my confusion regarding an apology . . .
. . . continued @Grace I've read the majority of the Q & A you've posted since March; so I know quite a bit about you. I truly hope you found a way to quiet your mind & have finally let this go. You've punished yourself long enough. I'll be back to share some thoughts & tell you a few things I do to raise my vibrations. My ideas may be crazy enough to work for you.
@ele what you see wrong was me talking to Grace. when she said i was wicked is it not? here is what you said:in order - yes, pretty much so, I was NOT casting any stones & you know as well as I do, what you said to Grace was NOT very nice. are you the judge of this?
@ele Grace was thinking that i did not understand the word wicked. and i have said that i know what wicked is. i have even joked a little. and have send her the song don't worry be happy. that was what?3 weeks ago. and again are you the judge of this? and yes you must see sin as stuff from the outside. and you do not know how it relates to the inside. and what is sin in the inside. i will tell you this when you are able to stay in harmony with people even when they are not in harmony with you-
@ele with out passing judgement or seing wrong in them,and will be able to accept them as they are,and be at peace with other and your self with no darkness in you. then you will truly sin no more. every one make mistake and should learn from them. and if you are able to help someone else with out impossing your self very good for you and them.
dear gracey grace, oooo how i love u, please know, u have to forgive urself, u must see urself as great, and u didnt hurt anyone, it is them who chooses to be hurt sweetheart.. please know this, and please, re listen to my session here.... dont just listen to the words, feel them sweetheart, please,,, http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aiESuF7nWWk ... if u need me, call me, ok? please, love u sister
@ele Grace should know if she made something wrong,i do not think she is that stupid that she would not understand what she did. and if she made a wrong she needs to do a right of equal or superior to what she did wrong. then it will be paid in full. she will not have to remorse herself. if she does not know something get informed. and if she has problem lack of understanding or communicating with someone talk to that person and solve the problem.like i said the truth will set her free.
@ele, yes I know what the word means, and I was several light years far away from it in my follow up comment, so sorry to say the echo of the emphasizing the word again did not reach me.
Thanks to you all for your input. I appreciate you.
@grace http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ikes4yPulmI http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=endscreen&v=5-m8Juz1gz4&NR=1 http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=endscreen&v=6et2ZSodS0g&NR=1